Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Master cleanse days 1 – 5: Dispelling bible truths

I have not eaten anything in 5 full days. My body is running solely on a medley of liquids and I want the world, or the two people still reading my blog, that I feel A-OK. Who would have thought?

So here are some ‘truths’ that until today I thought were absolute and undisputed.

1. Man needs food to survive

“Oh no sir thank you but I apparently don’t,” Ets answered ever so
coyly to the man who offered her chicken.

Here has been my regimen for the past five days.

In the morning, I down 4 cups of lukewarm water mixed with 2 teaspoons of seasalt. This solution aids in cleansing my digestive tract and, according to my mother, in keeping my electrolytes number up. This, I have to say, is the worst part of the cleanse. Its like drinking egg whites. Blech. So, when I have to, or actually since I have to, I inhale a foot away from the drink, hold my breath, and drink as much as I can.

After I get that out of the way, I start mixing my juice supply for the day. 8 glasses. The following goes into a pitcher:

240 ml of pure lemon juice - no concentrate please. The lemon gives you the vitamins you need for the day.

240 ml of grade B maple syrup – It is important that you use only grade B because it contains more minerals than the more commercially available grade A kind.
This supplies your body with sugar which gives you energy and, well, keeps you alive. Right now, you can get this maple syrup in Healthy Options. It is criminal really how much they charge for it but since they make it available in this country, sige na nga.

A little less than teaspoon of cayenne pepper – the correct measurement is 1/10 for every glass so since this recipe is for 8 glasses, we need precisely 8/10 or 4/5. I make my life easier by just putting a little less than a teaspoon. Actually, the more the better because the heat will help your body burn.

8 glasses of purified water. - At night, I drink a cup of laxative tea. I don’t need to tell you what that is for.
My body has been surviving on this regimen, no more. It has not weakened or dulled me in any way. I am amazed. Amazed.

2. lemons and peppers trigger my acid reflux.

I have really bad acid reflux. If I take one sip of coffee on an empty stomach, my digestive system declares war on the rest of my body. So before I bought all my ingredients, I asked the woman at healthy options if this would trigger it, assuming that it would. She said with all the confidence of a licensed doctor “No ma’am, the mixture is very high in alkaline.”

“Ahhhh, but of course, Alkaline neutralizes acid,” said the voice inside ets’ head that sounded too much like Hercule Poirot.

And oh wow was she spot on. No acid reflux. No kirot sa tiyan. Nothing. Again, amazing.

3.Just because you’re not hungry does not mean you’re not hungry
I am not physically hungry. And yet, I am hungry in 24 different ways. I need a quarter pounder. I want a burrito. I crave pizza. Hay…

4.Not eating doesn’t mean weightloss.
This is the most heartbreaking thing for me. Why kaya?

5.Teeth have feelings too
Mine whispered to me today “pssst…have you nothing for me to do? I feel so useless.”

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 0 - before the cleanse (alt title: so help me God)

When I told pats that I was positive I could do the lemon cleanse, he said “oo naman. Kayang kaya mo yan. Mas kaya mong mag starve for a week kesa kumain ng healthy for 2 months.”

True that!

So to join the very long list of diets that I have been on before, I am about to start what seems to be the hardest yet.

THE MASTER CLEANSE! (tung tung tung tunggggg…………..)

I am actually looking forward to it. It is apparently very very good for you. And while weightloss is a pleasant side effect, I can’t say I’m doing it entirely for that. Does that make me as whatever as the people who claim to drink gluthathione for their liver? Hee hee hee.

But seriously, this is supposed to be very good for you.

So for the next few days (i cannot in good conscience commit to a number), all i can take is this lemon-maple syrup (grabe b please)-cayenne cocktail.

Anyway, I will chronicle the experience here on a daily basis.

So help me God.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

i cant sleep so i will ramble.

- i cant sleep. I can't breathe. Everytime i go to bed at night knowing things are exactly the same, i die a little. Im not miserable or lonely, in fact im happy a lot these days, its just that yun nga, im dying.

- Lord, i dont mean physically dying ha. Because i am sooooo healthy and i will live till im gray. Thank you for not misunderstanding :-)

- its hard to be restless and broke at the same time. i want to fly so far away from here but until i figure out how to grow my own wings, im stuck right here.

- yeah, stuck. Maite is stuck is just about as appropriate as josh lyman is gesticulating wildly.

- i dont know if i still have it in me to lose 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Yikes.

- i love my parents very much noh but really, wattup with the excessive hairgrowth and turtle-paced metabolism genes you passed so easily along to your children. To all your children.

- theres this black dog in the pet store in mcs no one wants to buy. Hes outgrowing his cage. all of her batchmates have been sold months ago and 2 other batches after have left her as well. I hope someone buys her soon.

- i love my room. Its painted a shade of green thats happy when the lights are on and relaxing in the dark. And by dark of course i just mean lit by the light from the tv.

- i will try to sleep now.