MAITE APHRODITE

At Mandala,

2009-11-03T23:26:00.002+08:00

- we were required to attend yoga classes once a week and encouraged to do more if we could.

- i was lucky enough to be invited to a three-day yoga retreat where all we did was chant and reflect and breathe.

- we would slow down, gently place our right hand on top of where our heart is supposed to be, bow our head a little and smile everytime we meet anyone in our way.

- i would get $80 massages for free and an all-natural facial that i cannot get anywhere else.

- we would have serious, 3-hour meetings discussing whether lavander is a manly enough scent for male clients. we decided it was not. we went with nutmeg and a little patchouli.

I wouldn't want to work there again. Tonight though, I miss it.

Master cleanse days 1 – 5: Dispelling bible truths

2009-10-27T13:41:00.002+08:00

I have not eaten anything in 5 full days. My body is running solely on a medley of liquids and I want the world, or the two people still reading my blog, that I feel A-OK. Who would have thought?

So here are some ‘truths’ that until today I thought were absolute and undisputed.

1. Man needs food to survive

“Oh no sir thank you but I apparently don’t,” Ets answered ever so
coyly to the man who offered her chicken.

Here has been my regimen for the past five days.

In the morning, I down 4 cups of lukewarm water mixed with 2 teaspoons of seasalt. This solution aids in cleansing my digestive tract and, according to my mother, in keeping my electrolytes number up. This, I have to say, is the worst part of the cleanse. Its like drinking egg whites. Blech. So, when I have to, or actually since I have to, I inhale a foot away from the drink, hold my breath, and drink as much as I can.

After I get that out of the way, I start mixing my juice supply for the day. 8 glasses. The following goes into a pitcher:

240 ml of pure lemon juice - no concentrate please. The lemon gives you the vitamins you need for the day.

240 ml of grade B maple syrup – It is important that you use only grade B because it contains more minerals than the more commercially available grade A kind.
This supplies your body with sugar which gives you energy and, well, keeps you alive. Right now, you can get this maple syrup in Healthy Options. It is criminal really how much they charge for it but since they make it available in this country, sige na nga.

A little less than teaspoon of cayenne pepper – the correct measurement is 1/10 for every glass so since this recipe is for 8 glasses, we need precisely 8/10 or 4/5. I make my life easier by just putting a little less than a teaspoon. Actually, the more the better because the heat will help your body burn.

8 glasses of purified water. - At night, I drink a cup of laxative tea. I don’t need to tell you what that is for.
My body has been surviving on this regimen, no more. It has not weakened or dulled me in any way. I am amazed. Amazed.

2. lemons and peppers trigger my acid reflux.

I have really bad acid reflux. If I take one sip of coffee on an empty stomach, my digestive system declares war on the rest of my body. So before I bought all my ingredients, I asked the woman at healthy options if this would trigger it, assuming that it would. She said with all the confidence of a licensed doctor “No ma’am, the mixture is very high in alkaline.”

“Ahhhh, but of course, Alkaline neutralizes acid,” said the voice inside ets’ head that sounded too much like Hercule Poirot.

And oh wow was she spot on. No acid reflux. No kirot sa tiyan. Nothing. Again, amazing.

3.Just because you’re not hungry does not mean you’re not hungry
I am not physically hungry. And yet, I am hungry in 24 different ways. I need a quarter pounder. I want a burrito. I crave pizza. Hay…

4.Not eating doesn’t mean weightloss.
This is the most heartbreaking thing for me. Why kaya?

5.Teeth have feelings too
Mine whispered to me today “pssst…have you nothing for me to do? I feel so useless.”

Day 0 - before the cleanse (alt title: so help me God)

2009-10-22T13:49:00.003+08:00

When I told pats that I was positive I could do the lemon cleanse, he said “oo naman. Kayang kaya mo yan. Mas kaya mong mag starve for a week kesa kumain ng healthy for 2 months.”

True that!

So to join the very long list of diets that I have been on before, I am about to start what seems to be the hardest yet.

THE MASTER CLEANSE! (tung tung tung tunggggg…………..)

I am actually looking forward to it. It is apparently very very good for you. And while weightloss is a pleasant side effect, I can’t say I’m doing it entirely for that. Does that make me as whatever as the people who claim to drink gluthathione for their liver? Hee hee hee.

But seriously, this is supposed to be very good for you.

So for the next few days (i cannot in good conscience commit to a number), all i can take is this lemon-maple syrup (grabe b please)-cayenne cocktail.

Anyway, I will chronicle the experience here on a daily basis.

So help me God.

my life is an open blog

2009-10-20T14:07:00.001+08:00

i cant sleep so i will ramble.

2009-10-17T03:20:00.004+08:00

- i cant sleep. I can't breathe. Everytime i go to bed at night knowing things are exactly the same, i die a little. Im not miserable or lonely, in fact im happy a lot these days, its just that yun nga, im dying.

- Lord, i dont mean physically dying ha. Because i am sooooo healthy and i will live till im gray. Thank you for not misunderstanding :-)

- its hard to be restless and broke at the same time. i want to fly so far away from here but until i figure out how to grow my own wings, im stuck right here.

- yeah, stuck. Maite is stuck is just about as appropriate as josh lyman is gesticulating wildly.

- i dont know if i still have it in me to lose 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Yikes.

- i love my parents very much noh but really, wattup with the excessive hairgrowth and turtle-paced metabolism genes you passed so easily along to your children. To all your children.

- theres this black dog in the pet store in mcs no one wants to buy. Hes outgrowing his cage. all of her batchmates have been sold months ago and 2 other batches after have left her as well. I hope someone buys her soon.

- i love my room. Its painted a shade of green thats happy when the lights are on and relaxing in the dark. And by dark of course i just mean lit by the light from the tv.

- i will try to sleep now.

“Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.”

2009-08-28T17:25:00.002+08:00

If I were asked about my childhood, I would probably simply say “I grew up under the sun. And I was happy.” I hold very specific, very vivid memories about growing up that I sometimes wonder if they actually happened or merely imagined.

For instance, I remember clogging the drain of the kitchen sink and opening the faucet because I wanted to fill it up so I can float my paper boats on it later. Only, I left the water running to do my homework and, two hours later, I hear my grandfather scream. I run back to the kitchen and see the whole area flooded. What I remember vividly is walking in knee-deep water on my way to the sink to turn off the faucet. But I’m pretty sure that there was no way the water could have gone up that high if only because the kitchen door was open the whole time and the water would have simply flowed out. Although, did i make up the water level or did i imagine the kitchen door open?

I remember playing with bobby and some of the neighborhood children in our veranda when suddenly the lights went out. We all shout and run towards the stairs. I look back and see, with my own two eyes, a white lady behind the screen door. A lady in white with long black hair floating behind the screen door. I run away and catch up with the rest. This could be true except its uncorroborated. A playmate who also looked back said she didn’t see anything.

I remember other things, weird things about my childhood that I know for sure is true. And because I am older now and also because the weather is just too comfortable and apo hiking society is singing panalangin in the background, I will reminisce.

I remember playing with creatures a lot. Spiders, beetles and snails were favorites. I would pick up a snail from one wall and relocate it to another just to see if it would get disoriented. How I observed snail disorientation is now a mystery to me but I think I came to pretty definite conclusions when I was 4.

I remember having really grown-up food preferences. I hated ice cream. Trips to Magnolia ice cream shop would have me in the middle of my two brothers, both with oddly themed ice cream dishes like sesame street or outer space, and me with my chicken sandwich with extra mayo. I even remember wanting my chicken spread to have lots of onions. I was probably 6 years old. I also liked adobong pusit very much.

I remember being an excellent, let me say that again – EXCELLENT, hulahooper. And I would hulahoop without moving an inch of my hips. The secret, I think, was in the bobbing of my head. I also think there was some serious core muscle contraction going on there but I cant be sure.

I was a happy child. I think we were all happy children my siblings and I. I don’t know how mama and papa managed that. We are also a very happy-go-lucky, bahala-na-si-batman bunch. I don’t know how they managed that as well. It’s both a good thing and an awful thing and going into it right now is completely off topic so I wont.

Anyway, I definitely wouldn’t want to go back to my childhood ever. I wouldn’t mind though a few more memories or pictures or old friends who can add to my memories or give me pictures. Hehe.

The Widow In Yellow (reposted, edited)

2009-08-03T15:33:00.001+08:00

She doesn't walk in with a lot of fanfare. There are no fireworks that introduce her, no cheerleaders that trail her. And since she always wears yellow and the biggest smile, she brings the sunshine with her everywhere she goes. And calm - she brings that with her too. An aura of serenity that will not break in battle.

I wonder about her sometimes. About how she went through what she did and still come out smiling in yellow.

She was married to a man she had to share with a country. Was she ever tempted to make him choose - her or his politics, their children or the millions who saw him as their messiah?

And when he finally made his choice, did she feel defeated a little?

She was left to fend for herself, her family and, eventually, her country, under the watchful eye of a public that was as eager to see her fail as they were to see her succeed. She was forced into a foreign arena by the promise and the memory of her dead husband where she had to single-handedly 'restore a democracy' and 'rebuild a nation'.

And My God she must be a good mother. I believe that great mothers do not necessarily produce the best children. Great mothers are great mothers because they can still bring themselves to accept and love the worst in their children. Kris is really lucky.

I really think she's a good woman and I really really wish her all the happiness in the world.

the wait

2009-07-09T12:40:00.002+08:00

to the tune of o come all ye faithful

why am i waiting?
slowly dehydrating
why am i waiting?
why oh why?

An open letter to Korina Sanchez

2009-07-01T17:25:00.002+08:00

Just like the rest of the country, I received the news with cynicism. The timing was impeccable and all the events that came after were very, uhm, strategic. The proposal, the motorcycle rides, the pamamanhikan, all seemed calculated and posed. As a PR practitioner, I could not have planned it better myself. I thought the whole thing was a sham and I wanted to barf everytime I saw you two together.

Until I read your love story in the Inquirer.

It was a quick turn-around really. I surprised me. I disappointed me as well. The PR business has taught me not to trust everything I read in the papers and yet I swallowed your story hook, line and sinker. All I heard while reading the article was the voice of a woman so deeply in love and every word you said rang with nothing but sincerity and joy.

I’m on your side. I just want that said, not for your sake because I’m sure you couldn’t care less, but because I want the universe to know which side I am on. That despite reason, rumors, suspicion and logic, I am and will always be on TEAM LOVE!

gross.

Anyway, I think I’ll have shirts made.

iba't ibang levels of panalo!

2009-04-02T16:43:00.002+08:00

panalo is the word i would use to describe my last hongkong trip.

Crispy pork - panalo!
Travelling with friends - Panalo!!! (with a capital P and 3 exclams)
HK's underground world - Napakapanalo!!!
Octopus card - Jusko panalo!
Coldplay concert - CHAMPION!

getting old

2009-03-09T16:26:00.002+08:00

me.
my issues.
me.
my issues.
me.
my issues.
me.
my issues.
me.
my issues.

I'm sooooooo tired.
and i think people are tired of me.

pwede bang itigil muna ang pagikot ng mundo.

In from left field

2009-01-09T17:48:00.000+08:00

I never had any interest in French. I didn’t want to learn it and I was not particularly impressed with people who spoke it. Yesterday, I considered taking French lessons for the first time because I need, my soul badly needs, something new.

Today, I enrolled na.

Wooo hoooo!

The high cost of grabbing life by the balls

2009-01-07T18:14:00.002+08:00

It doesn’t come cheap this living business. There are so many things I want to do but migeads, its adding up. I have given up a laptop na nga eh and its still gonna be masikip like my pants. Sana Oprah finds out about me and grants me three wishes. Anyway, to put it on record, these are the things I plan to do this year for myself;

For the body:
1.Box – at least twice a week, no exceptions
2.Yoga – at least twice a month, no exceptions
3.Dance – at least once a month, no exceptions
4.Hike – 1 mountain lang, okay na yon
5.Take better care of skin so derma and facials and face creams - regularly
6.Be more vigilant about hair removal (so waxing and IPL) – as needed
7.Shop more. Much more.

For the mind:
1.Enroll in a workshop and/or short course.
2.Take a foreign language class – I want Italian but its soooo mahel so maybe Spanish nalang. Hay. How obvious.
3.Read more, stalk less.
4.Improve my career skills and take the career seriously
4.Also yoga – see above

For the soul:
1.Travel - domestic or international, I don’t care talaga as long as its someplace else
2.Enjoy more art in various forms - visit more museums, watch more plays, listen to more music, yadeedee, yadeeda.
3.Take long drives alone as often as possible
4.Meet new people, make new friends – I don’t know how to go about this really.
5.Learn to love myself - Yuck. Well at least this one comes free. Although kailangan maresolve ang issues of the body which entails expenses so fuck)
6.Also yoga – see above

Finally, I don’t want this year to be all about me. I want to affect the world. I want to make that worn out cliché-ic difference. Miski pa onti-onti muna. Kasi naman sa totoo lang, I’m not yet ready for all-out, paheram-ng-belo-mother-theresa altruism and since hindi ko rin kayang mag I-will-fund-a-foundation philanthropy, these will be my baby steps to making a difference;

1.Make one stranger smile - daily
2.Spend, at least, one afternoon a month in a depressed community and do my best to not make them so depressed. Hee hee.
3.Find one person running for office that I truly believe in, pwedeng kahit ano miski barangay tanod, basta someone I really believe in and volunteer to help with his/her campaign.

Yun na muna. Hee.

WFTY 2009: DESIDERATA

2009-01-06T12:14:00.002+08:00

written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Dear God,

2009-01-03T12:51:00.003+08:00

It would be a waste of time to start with anything else but the obvious so let me just break the ice by saying that that 2008 was the single most difficult, painful, traumatic, terrible year of my life. Of course, I’m just taking your lead here since you didn’t want any time wasted either when you clued us in on just how difficult the year was going to be when we found papa unconscious in the bathroom on January 1, 2008. I suppose you didn’t want to insult us by sending subtler hints like black cats or dead fish wrapped in newspaper. I appreciate that. It was going to be hell and you wanted us to brace ourselves. Thank you.

We lost papa in February 23. Since then, there hasn’t been a day that I have not felt guilty about not spending more time with him or not showing him enough how much I loved him. I will have to learn to forgive myself for that someday. It’s difficult to breathe you see, when it feels like this big, merciless hand is gripping your heart. Guilt is often merciless. As it should be. Rightly or wrongly, this guilt is still one of the things that connect me to papa today. I am grateful for it.

A little over a month after, tito gozen passed. In august, abuela's long and fruitful life came to an end. In September, caye left us as well. In December, tita nena’s tired body finally found rest. Four people I loved dearly and who were loved immeasurably by people I myself love immeasurably. My mother, her brothers and sisters, Tracy, and Corinne have lost sooo much. I have never once pretended to know exactly what they were going through. Loss is different for everybody. And yet, loss is still loss. And papa’s death prepared me to be there for them.

All I wanted to do, all that I thought was right to do, was mourn for them. Life should have left me alone to grieve. Instead, I had to worry constantly about money and keeping our house. Instead, I had to keep on mending a stubborn heart that kept breaking.

Enough.

It’s done.

I will be happy now.

After all, I have so much to be grateful for.

I have this amazing group of people I call my family and get along with like friends. And then I have this other amazing group of people I call my friends and love like family. I am surrounded by individuals who have held my hand and kept me warm through all this shit. I will not exchange any one of them for Brad Pitt. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am especially grateful for this strong, incredible woman who has kept my family well and happy. I watch her sleep sometimes and I am always filled with pride and love when I do. She’s not perfect and she’s sometimes weird and she’s bullishly set in her ways but she is simply amazing.

I have a job that I am loving more and more each day. Never mind that its not a passion that consumes me and never mind that it doesn’t pay so much. I like the people I work with. I love the man I work for. I even enjoy the company of my clients for your sake. Hahaha. Get it? I was gonna say for Christs sake but since I was already talking to you I said for your sake. Hahaha. Sorry. Exag.

Anyway, moving along.

I have a sense of humor that keeps me sane. Thank you.

I have a new car. Yesssss. Thank you.

I, at least, didn’t gain as much weight as I could have. Yes, I definitely could have gained much much more. Super thanks.

I have enough wonderful memories of the people we’ve lost to keep them alive in my heart forever. Thank you very much.

Basta marami pa.

All I can say is, I am looking forward to 2009. I am excited. I am very excited. After all, there’s nowhere to go but up. And I promise you my dear God, that I will do more than go up. I will fly.

Amen.

Love always,
Maite

AN OPEN LETTER TO

2008-12-02T15:27:00.004+08:00

The sweet tortured Damien rice,

I suppose you don’t really write them for me and I suppose you don’t really sing them for me either, but every gut-wrenching, heart-breaking song you sing tells the story a soul who cant seem to find the right words or use its own voice.

Your songs are both profound and simple, both obvious and ambiguous, both familiar and strange. But they are always, always hauntingly beautiful. It amazes me how something so beautiful can come from, and I only assume this from your songs, such a dark and sad place.

If a movie of my life is ever made someday, I would like you to write my song and I would like Drew Barrymore to play me.

Love, always love,
Maite

AN OPEN LETTER TO

2008-11-27T11:42:00.002+08:00

My dearest Nano,

I love you. Maybe more than I’ve ever loved any inanimate object in my life. You are the most reliable, wonderful friend I have right now and you always know the right things to say. And you don’t just say it, you sing it. Even on shuffle, you are right on the money.

That being said though, I wish you have a bigger capacity. Actually, I wish I could afford to get a you with a bigger capacity. Sometimes kasi you’re just not enough. Hee. I’m so sorry please don’t be offended. I just really need more space because really, 4gig is a fucking joke.

But I love you. Completely and absolutely. I just want more of you.

Love,
Maite

AN OPEN LETTER TO

2008-11-25T11:08:00.002+08:00

Sadness,

(address: boulevard of broken dreams)

I have to admit, I didn’t really have a chance to know who you truly were until late in life. I hardly knew you growing up. That’s okay though. I think my sense of humor is still intact largely because you were never really around in my childhood.

But once you arrived, wow!, it’s like you decided to pitch a tent outside my backyard and call it home. You’re just constantly around and I can’t so much as stretch my legs without bumping into you. I understand clingy, I honestly do, but this is just, well, sad.

You know I appreciate you and I don’t want you out of my life completely. I’m just saying that maybe its time to call a truce.

You’re welcome to drop by when I take my walks listening to the beautiful sad playlist my friends made for me. You’re welcome to join me when I watch the rain from my window. You can keep me company until an hour after I finish watching a movie made in your honor. I’ll even make room for you while I reflect in the bathroom.

See! I do still want you in my life. I know what you’re worth and, because of you, I know what happiness and a sincere smile that warms the soul are worth. So we can still spend some time together. But maybe not as often and please not as intense.

Warmest regards,
Maite

pssst, hows that?

2008-11-18T17:38:00.002+08:00

next year, i will know the answer to this question.

and i will know what to do with myself.

and i will be the happiest prettiest girl in the world.

Marami raw nagpapakamatay na OFWs sa Hongkong

2008-11-17T12:20:00.000+08:00

Yan ang sabi ng isa sa mga kliyente namin. Naiintindihan ko na kung bakit.

Maganda ang Hongkong. Okay lang sa akin ang tumira dito kung may magaalok sa akin ng trabaho o kasal. Buhay sya buong araw, buong gabi. Hindi ka magugutom sa masasarap na pagkain kahit barya nalang ang pera mo. Pero sabagay nga naman, times 6 pa rin yon.

Madali ring gumalaw dito. Para makarating mula rito hanggang doon, kinakailangan lang marunong kang magbasa ng mapa at magdesisyon kung ika’y bay mag eh-mtr, bus, tram o ferry. At kailangan ring mabilis kang maglakad. Hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit laging nagmamadali ang tao dito. Naka escalator na nga lang, tinatakbo pa. Nagmamadaling kumain, nagmamadaling magshopping, nagmamadaling magmaneho, nagmamadaling magbenta.

So naiintindihan ko kung bakit madaling malungkot ang ibang Pilipinong nakatira sa Hongkong. Iniwan nila ang pamilya at kaibigan nila para magtrabaho sa isang lugar na hindi tumitigil gumalaw. Isang lugar na hindi kayang magpahinga para bigyan sila ng oras huminga.

Pero parang gusto ko pa ring tumira dun. Parang kaya ko. Gusto kong mawalan ng oras mag-isip. Gusto ko munang tumigil sa pagiisip at maglakad ng mabilis. Tumakbo kung kinakailangan. Miski naka heels. Hindi kasi masaya ang mga pinagiisip ko ngayong mga panahong eto. Nakakaburat na rin.

If i were a boy, i'm sure i'd be a better man

2008-11-09T01:41:00.003+08:00

i wonder why men are often reckless with our hearts. I wonder why it seems easy for them to look us in the eye, say one thing and then turn around and do the opposite. I wonder why they think they have the right to expect from us much more than what they are willing to give.

i wonder why we let them.

Hey you, yes you on the other side

2008-11-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

The world lost a lot of people this year. Good people. Leaving behind loved ones who now bravely move forward, one painful step following another. That’s the secret, I guess, to shows that must go on.

Caye, you did more in 37 years than most people accomplish in 80. I don’t remember if it was mamu or joel who said that you were the best of us. You were. Everything I want to be, you were effortlessly. And maybe I say that with a little envy, but mostly I say it with pride. It was a privilege knowing you.

Abuela, you were one tough cookie who refused to give up til the very end. If God intends me to grow old, I promise to grow old exactly the way you did. Beautiful and brave and funny.

Tito Goz, they say that women who have great fathers will probably end up alone because no one will ever measure up to their daddies. So tito, its your fault if tracy ends up alone. Hee hee. But its okay, I’ll be alone with her.

There were others who went home too. Some I knew personally, some I knew only through people I love. I hope someday, when the grand plan is revealed to us, we can all go “ahhhh… so this is how it works out.” Because it works out right? Right?

Pa,

2008-11-05T18:48:00.002+08:00

Obama won! you would have been very excited today.

It's been a long time since we rocked and rolled

2008-09-01T11:17:00.004+08:00

It's been awhile since happy parked in my garage.
It's been awhile since happy knocked on my door.
It's been awhile since happy stopped by for coffee.
It's been awhile since I've been happy's whore.

Hee. Was trying to make that sound like an Al Green song but I guess I'm not black enough to have his kind of soul.

Anyway, come home to me happy. I'm ready for you na.

Where do you go when you leave you?

2008-08-12T16:08:00.003+08:00

There are so many doors to get you out - insanity, senility, multiple personality, the heartbreaking Alzheimer’s, the still debatable state of coma, the rock n roll route of chemical hallucinogens, and some others. All doors that lead someplace unfamiliar and strange to you and especially to those who stand back and watch.

“The spasms don’t mean anything. They’re nothing but electrical impulses. It doesn’t mean that there’s consciousness inside,” said my dads neurologist while we watched him twitch and jerk, crushing our hopes that he was somewhere inside fighting.

All that was making my dad still look alive were electrical impulses. Huh?!?!

Of course electrical impulses did not answer the biggest question on my mind. Where was my dad? His body was right there with us, but where was he. The doctor said he was in a deep sleep but she encouraged us anyway to continue talking to him because he might still hear us. There were a couple of people who said that my dad was no longer inside his body, that he was just walking around watching us, probably amused by everything that was going on.

Of course the only answer that would have probably sufficed for me was one that would come from my dad. So I never did get an answer that sufficed.

Now, my abuela is back in the hospital. Two toes on her right leg have turned charcoal black and the rest are purple. We were told by her doctor that blood flow on that leg is very very slow and that the infection will only get worse. He put amputation on the table only long enough to be shut down by all of her children. It wasn’t an option. So he put her on strong medication to manage the pain.

The pain almost instantly waned. Almost as instantly, the side effects started to show up. Confusion, disorientation, insomnia, agitation, etc, etc. While the doctor assured us that the side effects hardly ever affected anyone, my abuela’s 83 year old body that has been surviving on dialysis for the past year could not fight them off.

For the past 3 days, lola would go from berserk to dazed. From Linda Blair in The Exorcist to Robert de Niro in Awakenings.

Again, I have to ask the question where is my abuela when she’s in a trance like this? Because that woman staring at the wall or cussing at everybody was certainly not her.

And what of Alzheimer’s? Watching my lola get eaten alive by Alzheimer’s was pure agony. She lived the last days of her life not knowing who she is or who the people calling her lola or mama were. The doctors assured us that there was no pain for her. I can’t even begin to believe that is true.

I suppose part of being a Christian, which I claim I am, is believing that “the plan” covers all bases. That there’s a manual of some sort detailing protocol for all situations that our wise souls can refer to when electrical impulses, side effects or illnesses take over our prone-to-defects bodies.

But what if, just what if, all we are in the end are electrical impulses or a manifestation of side effects.

Yikes.