it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

in the past two weeks that i've been buried neck deep in work, i havent failed to notice the little signs everywhere that christmas is on its way. nights are fresco-er, days are not as scorching. last week i heard my first christmas carol for the year, jose mari chan reminding me not to forget the love i have for jesus. three days ago, cabbing back to the office, was a little surprised to see several parols outside cabalen.

i've always loved christmas. in the past couple of years though, christmas has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth. the kind that you just cant wash off with presents and holiday cheer. as far as associations go, christmas has always been about him. and hard as i try to forget, at christmas i remember.

tonight, i allow myself to wallow a little and to mourn, yet again, for all that i've lost. and for those who wont allow me as much, just close this page and move on to the next blog.

i miss him. i miss holding his hand. i miss kissing him. i miss the feeling of security when he was around because i knew, without a doubt, that nothing would harm me - not while he was there. most of all, i miss the person i was when i was with him. if you think i'm happy now, you should have seen me then. whole and complete. not quite the sap that i have become.

i have somehow convinced myself that the reason moving on has been quite a struggle was because it was not just about letting go of him, it was also about letting go of who i was. and although i suppose that i am probably a much better person for it, i am nonetheless broken and forever scarred.

i'm not in love with him anymore. i no longer hope that he comes back to me one day. but he will always be the one thing in my life that i would have given up everything for. and he will always be the one thing in my life who would have given up everything for me. and that, despite all the assholic things he has done since, is what i take with me.

sayang, had it worked, our story could have been one for the books. if it isn't already.