realm of possibilities

A long time ago, I forget exactly when, I saw an episode of the twilight zone where a man met the part of himself that chose to go to war in Vietnam. As was later explained in the episode, that man, ten years earlier, was faced with the decision of going or not when he was drafted. He chose not to.

Ten years, a wife, a daughter and a war later, the man was still questioning whether he made the right decision. Apparently, it was the toughest one he had to make yet and he always wondered how different his life would have been had he gone.

As it turned out, as was revealed to him by a man in a wheelchair who showed up at his doorstep one night, a man who vaguely resembled him, he lost a leg in battle.

The man in the wheelchair was the part of him that made the decision to go and went.

Weird but such is life in the twilight zone.

Anyhoo, I was trying to take a nap when I remembered this story. And it got me thinking. How would my life be different if I had chosen to take another road from the one I actually took at one particular point.

What if I did drop that subject in law school and went on to become a lawyer?
What if I decided to stay in UST and went on to become a doctor?
What if I really did lose weight in one of my attempts to diet and exercise?
What if I took a cab instead of the shuttle this morning to work?

How different would my life be now? Would I be happier? Funnier? Richer?

In the movie sliding doors, gwyneth’s missing the subway spelled the difference between happiness and misery. Could it have possibly spelled mine when I went home earlier the other night when I could have stayed longer?

My world as I know it could have easily taken a 180 if I had done just one thing differently.

To someone like me, someone who jumps in the river to only later remember that she cant swim, the realm of possibilities that is out there and open to us is both empowering and paralyzing. On the one hand, there is a lot of room for promise, on the other, a lot of room for blame. On the one hand, liberation. On the other, dire consequences.

I’ve always claimed to believe in destiny. I’ve always claimed that I am exactly where I am suppose to be at any given point in time. The truth is, I don’t really believe that. I say that only because it is comforting. Because it allows me to shrug off responsibility a little because I can always just cry “but that’s life!” When things don’t work out, I allow myself to take a deep breath, sigh and say “hay…. buhay.”

My truth is though, when I am strong enough to say it, is this -

I have brought myself to where I am now. I have made myself into who I am now. My failures, as are my successes (few though they may be) are, solely and absolutely, mine to claim. In difficult times, these cute pudgy hands of mine will not be pointing fingers. Neither will they be applauding for anyone else in better days.