ashes to ashes

"today is a good day to die," said a pre-24 kiefer opening the movie flatliners. i dont think il be ready to say that anytime soon. the only time i felt ready to die was in pristine boracay, watching a freshly cleansed world after a typhoon, that time i thought okay na rin kung kunin ako ni lord ngayon.

tapos na yon. my fear of death is back. fear of what lies beyond the life i know.

in college, death was lengthily discussed in my philosophy subjects. i dont buy any of it. i mean, all arguments were made by people who were still alive so what do they know of the subject anyway. So none of the arguments from the logical to the scientific to the religious could appease my frightened little soul.

what if everything ends with our last breath. no white light. no heaven. no hell. no purgatory. just nothing. everything we are just stops being. everything that was becomes nothing.

i am more comforted by the concept of hell than nothing. for the possibility of hell implies the possiblity of heaven. the punishment of evil connotes the reward of good.

and heaven i can strive for.
and good i can achieve.

kaso, hindi ko sure ang standards ni God. so hindi ko alam if im ever good enough to merit me a piece of heaven.

then there's always reincarnation. globe had a promo before na you type your name and birthday and you send it to a certain number then they send you a text about who you were in a past life. stupid noh? pero sucker ako for these things eh. so text ako.

my name was luciana something. a candlemaker from italy. i was married to a wax supplier who worshipped me. i died peacefully in my sleep of old age and when i did, the whole neighborhood gathered around my house to light a candle for me.

how nice noh?

anyway, can you imagine nalang my sadness when i met the guy who was commissioned by globe to make up all this pastlife bullshit. not that i believed it in the first place. but it was a comforting thought.

anyway, about reincarnation. im not sure i buy that either. because really, how tiring naman to just be born and then die all the time. its nietzsche's eternal recurrence. a vicious never-ending cycle.

to me it means a soul never finding home. never finding rest. never finding peace.

hay.... basta siguro live well nalang noh? fuck death. concentrate on living.