Friday, November 26, 2004


it took a while to finally pin this word down and commit to it. it is everything i want the next year to be.

so there.

my word for the year i turn 30.

in 2005, let the universe clean me fresh and rid me of all my filth and baggage.

a rebirth of sorts. a beginning.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

a blog of appreciation

for leslie and adi.

for keeping me company in what could have a been a very long night.

that party, despite its theme, did not rock at all. but you guys sure as hell did.


Saturday, November 20, 2004

a trip down memory central

march 8 1993

the day i turned 18.

i just really wanted to keep the celebration quiet and simple. neverring the non-refundable downpayment made to coconut palace where i was to party in a fuck-me-red-geena-davis-oscar gown, i opted instead for a nice, sumptuous dinner with the family at the roma restaurant in manila hotel. that and a trip to hongkong.

that was my plan anyways.

that morning, my tita picked me up to go to the parlor (jesi mendez - hee hee) for hair and make-up which my mother insisted on. she said i should be beautiful on my birthday. i thought i should be too.

the next stop after the parlor was this shop in glorieta that sold only sesame street items. it was my absolute favorite place then although i cant seem to recall now what the store was called. heniways, so there i was, fully made up, checking out sesame street stationaries (yes, stationaries) when elvin and rommel walked in. elvin, who was already an ex at that time, was there to buy me my gift. a gift, of course, that i demanded from him. he loved me then you see and would have given me the moon if i had asked for it.


after the mall, we went to my titas house where i was to be picked up for dinner. i dont remember what time it was when bobby, my brother, finally came to get me. "We have to go back to the house to get them" he said. "hassle" i think i said.

when we got to the house, all the lights were off. "hindi pa yata sila ready. baba muna tayo" bobby said. "hassle talaga" i thought.

as i walked in the dark sala, fully made-up in a sundress by the way (yes the same sundress that people mistake for a daster in my hat-ching picture), the lights suddenly turn on and a very loud and excited "SURPRISE!!!!" greeted me.

they were all there. my family. my relatives. my good friends from high school (go HIP!) and one good friend from college (UST pa to - only one because i didnt really have friends there eh.) as if that wasnt enough, mongolian grill catered it and, guys, if you are from san agustin batch 92, you know that mongolian grill was the best thing then.

so after all the besos y abrazos that went around, my mother gently pulled me aside and said "go up to your room and change na."

when i entered my room, there, laid out neatly on my bed, was my gown. an hour later, beautiful and beaming, i recieved 18 roses and wishes from relatives and friends. the same people i would have chosen myself if i had a hand in the planning :)

so i didnt get my fancy schamancy dinner. so i didnt get to wear my fuck-me-red gown. so it wasnt all that quiet and simple. i was surrounded by people who loved me enough to take time out to be part of something i will remember forever. and i also got my hongkong na rin :)

that was the day i turned 18.

(tonight i will be attending the debut of a cisv-mate. i hope one day she will look back at it with the same fondness that i feel)

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

its 9 am

both in my world and jack bauers.

spent 9 hours of my past two days on 24. would have been glad to give more of my time to it too if it werent for work. the fact that i had to watch it on a laptop and earphones didnt seem to affect my viewing pleasure any.

our dvd player is a pretentious fuck. feeling all rich and classy and refusing to play pirated stuff.

sana you're just a SHINCO noh!!! get off your high horse.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

the sun is the center of the solar system

i dont deny it. in fact, il even be the first to admit it. im as selfish as selfish can get.

i think that;

1. the world revolves around me
2. things or others do not really exist until i acknowledge that they do
3. i matter above all else

despite that....

i also dont deny and il also be the first to admit that i am as insecure as insecure can get.

i think that;

1. i will never be truly appreciated
2. i live in mediocrity and, therefore, i will die in mediocrity
3. i have the worst, absolute worst, drawings in the world. i also cant sing for shit.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

ang thoughts ko kanina sa taxi

running on a treadmill.

thats pretty much my life.

constantly moving
profusely sweating
occasionally hyperventilating

where am i going? NOWHERE!!!

what if i am one of them people who are so deeply rooted, they die exactly as they were born. no better. no worse.

okay. being deeply rooted is actually a quasi-valid, somewhat-acceptable excuse for being stagnant. at least it connotes a firm foundation. but what if you're just plain lazy or scared to actually move forward. or worse, what if you're just too heavy na hindi ka narin carry ng gulong ng palad.

sometimes i really hate cab rides.

Monday, November 08, 2004

and then....

i ate na my sandwich.

now what.


ibang klase narin ang pagkabored dito. ibang klase.

klase, aint that a very sosyal person. person, first name sonny. sonny, aint that a brand of a tv and a partner of an ericsson. ericsson, aint that a hardening of a penis. penis, that means the end. tapos na.


oooooh.... my sandwich is here.

Friday, November 05, 2004








at santa, kung kaya lang naman....

Wednesday, November 03, 2004


** yesterday was a really good day for me. wasnt able to understand why until i was telling therese about it at lunch time earlier. Told her about my chat with 'him' and figured out why i felt so good about it after. Kasi while i was chatting with him, i had neither an ounce of bitterness nor an iota of hope in me, just a smile on my face that simply meant it was good to hear from him again.

And THAT is more than a big step. THAT is a closed door. TAH DAH!!!

** i realized that, of all my family and friends, the hardest person i will have to say goodbye to when i leave for spain is larry. just thinking about it now breaks my heart na.

** i will never ever mess with my hair again. i stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself every night waiting for my bangs to grow. cutting it is probably the only thing i regret doing in life. Im sorry tracy.

** the most frustrating thing in the world for me is being helpless at helping. i want to help out more but resources are scarce.

** youth is wasted on the young. money is wasted on the rich. power is wasted on the powerful. and sexy bodies are wasted on the ugly. SOMETIMES.

** i'de rather be decorative.

** i feel like im at the airport lounge, just waiting for my flight to take off. That's how im gonna feel until our boat sails off on december 10. everything from now til then is wait-time, waste-time.