Tuesday, December 02, 2008


The sweet tortured Damien rice,

I suppose you don’t really write them for me and I suppose you don’t really sing them for me either, but every gut-wrenching, heart-breaking song you sing tells the story a soul who cant seem to find the right words or use its own voice.

Your songs are both profound and simple, both obvious and ambiguous, both familiar and strange. But they are always, always hauntingly beautiful. It amazes me how something so beautiful can come from, and I only assume this from your songs, such a dark and sad place.

If a movie of my life is ever made someday, I would like you to write my song and I would like Drew Barrymore to play me.

Love, always love,

Thursday, November 27, 2008


My dearest Nano,

I love you. Maybe more than I’ve ever loved any inanimate object in my life. You are the most reliable, wonderful friend I have right now and you always know the right things to say. And you don’t just say it, you sing it. Even on shuffle, you are right on the money.

That being said though, I wish you have a bigger capacity. Actually, I wish I could afford to get a you with a bigger capacity. Sometimes kasi you’re just not enough. Hee. I’m so sorry please don’t be offended. I just really need more space because really, 4gig is a fucking joke.

But I love you. Completely and absolutely. I just want more of you.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008



(address: boulevard of broken dreams)

I have to admit, I didn’t really have a chance to know who you truly were until late in life. I hardly knew you growing up. That’s okay though. I think my sense of humor is still intact largely because you were never really around in my childhood.

But once you arrived, wow!, it’s like you decided to pitch a tent outside my backyard and call it home. You’re just constantly around and I can’t so much as stretch my legs without bumping into you. I understand clingy, I honestly do, but this is just, well, sad.

You know I appreciate you and I don’t want you out of my life completely. I’m just saying that maybe its time to call a truce.

You’re welcome to drop by when I take my walks listening to the beautiful sad playlist my friends made for me. You’re welcome to join me when I watch the rain from my window. You can keep me company until an hour after I finish watching a movie made in your honor. I’ll even make room for you while I reflect in the bathroom.

See! I do still want you in my life. I know what you’re worth and, because of you, I know what happiness and a sincere smile that warms the soul are worth. So we can still spend some time together. But maybe not as often and please not as intense.

Warmest regards,

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

pssst, hows that?

next year, i will know the answer to this question.

and i will know what to do with myself.

and i will be the happiest prettiest girl in the world.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Marami raw nagpapakamatay na OFWs sa Hongkong

Yan ang sabi ng isa sa mga kliyente namin. Naiintindihan ko na kung bakit.

Maganda ang Hongkong. Okay lang sa akin ang tumira dito kung may magaalok sa akin ng trabaho o kasal. Buhay sya buong araw, buong gabi. Hindi ka magugutom sa masasarap na pagkain kahit barya nalang ang pera mo. Pero sabagay nga naman, times 6 pa rin yon.

Madali ring gumalaw dito. Para makarating mula rito hanggang doon, kinakailangan lang marunong kang magbasa ng mapa at magdesisyon kung ika’y bay mag eh-mtr, bus, tram o ferry. At kailangan ring mabilis kang maglakad. Hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit laging nagmamadali ang tao dito. Naka escalator na nga lang, tinatakbo pa. Nagmamadaling kumain, nagmamadaling magshopping, nagmamadaling magmaneho, nagmamadaling magbenta.

So naiintindihan ko kung bakit madaling malungkot ang ibang Pilipinong nakatira sa Hongkong. Iniwan nila ang pamilya at kaibigan nila para magtrabaho sa isang lugar na hindi tumitigil gumalaw. Isang lugar na hindi kayang magpahinga para bigyan sila ng oras huminga.

Pero parang gusto ko pa ring tumira dun. Parang kaya ko. Gusto kong mawalan ng oras mag-isip. Gusto ko munang tumigil sa pagiisip at maglakad ng mabilis. Tumakbo kung kinakailangan. Miski naka heels. Hindi kasi masaya ang mga pinagiisip ko ngayong mga panahong eto. Nakakaburat na rin.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

If i were a boy, i'm sure i'd be a better man

i wonder why men are often reckless with our hearts. I wonder why it seems easy for them to look us in the eye, say one thing and then turn around and do the opposite. I wonder why they think they have the right to expect from us much more than what they are willing to give.

i wonder why we let them.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Hey you, yes you on the other side

The world lost a lot of people this year. Good people. Leaving behind loved ones who now bravely move forward, one painful step following another. That’s the secret, I guess, to shows that must go on.

Caye, you did more in 37 years than most people accomplish in 80. I don’t remember if it was mamu or joel who said that you were the best of us. You were. Everything I want to be, you were effortlessly. And maybe I say that with a little envy, but mostly I say it with pride. It was a privilege knowing you.

Abuela, you were one tough cookie who refused to give up til the very end. If God intends me to grow old, I promise to grow old exactly the way you did. Beautiful and brave and funny.

Tito Goz, they say that women who have great fathers will probably end up alone because no one will ever measure up to their daddies. So tito, its your fault if tracy ends up alone. Hee hee. But its okay, I’ll be alone with her.

There were others who went home too. Some I knew personally, some I knew only through people I love. I hope someday, when the grand plan is revealed to us, we can all go “ahhhh… so this is how it works out.” Because it works out right? Right?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


Obama won! you would have been very excited today.

Monday, September 01, 2008

It's been a long time since we rocked and rolled

It's been awhile since happy parked in my garage.
It's been awhile since happy knocked on my door.
It's been awhile since happy stopped by for coffee.
It's been awhile since I've been happy's whore.

Hee. Was trying to make that sound like an Al Green song but I guess I'm not black enough to have his kind of soul.

Anyway, come home to me happy. I'm ready for you na.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Where do you go when you leave you?

There are so many doors to get you out - insanity, senility, multiple personality, the heartbreaking Alzheimer’s, the still debatable state of coma, the rock n roll route of chemical hallucinogens, and some others. All doors that lead someplace unfamiliar and strange to you and especially to those who stand back and watch.

“The spasms don’t mean anything. They’re nothing but electrical impulses. It doesn’t mean that there’s consciousness inside,” said my dads neurologist while we watched him twitch and jerk, crushing our hopes that he was somewhere inside fighting.

All that was making my dad still look alive were electrical impulses. Huh?!?!

Of course electrical impulses did not answer the biggest question on my mind. Where was my dad? His body was right there with us, but where was he. The doctor said he was in a deep sleep but she encouraged us anyway to continue talking to him because he might still hear us. There were a couple of people who said that my dad was no longer inside his body, that he was just walking around watching us, probably amused by everything that was going on.

Of course the only answer that would have probably sufficed for me was one that would come from my dad. So I never did get an answer that sufficed.

Now, my abuela is back in the hospital. Two toes on her right leg have turned charcoal black and the rest are purple. We were told by her doctor that blood flow on that leg is very very slow and that the infection will only get worse. He put amputation on the table only long enough to be shut down by all of her children. It wasn’t an option. So he put her on strong medication to manage the pain.

The pain almost instantly waned. Almost as instantly, the side effects started to show up. Confusion, disorientation, insomnia, agitation, etc, etc. While the doctor assured us that the side effects hardly ever affected anyone, my abuela’s 83 year old body that has been surviving on dialysis for the past year could not fight them off.

For the past 3 days, lola would go from berserk to dazed. From Linda Blair in The Exorcist to Robert de Niro in Awakenings.

Again, I have to ask the question where is my abuela when she’s in a trance like this? Because that woman staring at the wall or cussing at everybody was certainly not her.

And what of Alzheimer’s? Watching my lola get eaten alive by Alzheimer’s was pure agony. She lived the last days of her life not knowing who she is or who the people calling her lola or mama were. The doctors assured us that there was no pain for her. I can’t even begin to believe that is true.

I suppose part of being a Christian, which I claim I am, is believing that “the plan” covers all bases. That there’s a manual of some sort detailing protocol for all situations that our wise souls can refer to when electrical impulses, side effects or illnesses take over our prone-to-defects bodies.

But what if, just what if, all we are in the end are electrical impulses or a manifestation of side effects.


The Polyanna has left the building (for now)

What is left instead is still this pretty, funny, smart, amazing girl who is human after all. And these days, what is more human then emo and angst?

So in this light,

Poor me.
Fuck you.

Enough said.

Friday, June 27, 2008

And life is normal again

Or at least, as normal as it is ever going to be from this point on. Sometimes I really have to pause, breathe a little deeper and wonder why sleeping on a Tuesday still means waking up on a Wednesday like it always has. Shouldn’t life stop making sense the moment it stops making sense?

Today I woke up feeling fat.
Today I rushed to work worried about all the things that had to be done before noon.
Today I got bored listening to a client blah-blah about his products.
Today I got excited over my new friend in multiply.
Today I panicked at the thought of my bank account balance.

Life is just becoming a little too normal a little too soon. Ayoko pa sana. Buysit.

Eh why ba? I’ve always been vocal that moving on has never been one of my better honed life skills noh.

Buysit talaga!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


My greatest fear used to be death. I’m proud to say that I’m not afraid of it anymore. In fact, I’m even looking forward to it now because I know my papa will be on the other side to welcome me when I die. So I assumed that my second greatest fear, losing my teeth, would naturally move up and claim the top spot. But apparently there is now something more terrifying than that.

I’m afraid of forgetting my papa. Right now it seems unthinkable that I will but I have an already really bad memory and a family history of Alzheimer’s and I am soooo afraid that the time will come when I cannot remember anymore how he talked, or laughed, or got angry. What if all I have in the end is a vague memory of a man who used to live with us when I was growing up. Lord, please don’t let that happen ever. EVER.

Anyway, sana ako nalang si jim carrey sa Truman show para nachronicle ang life ko every second and I can watch it lang over and over again but since I’m not and I cant, ganito nalang muna;

1. I will remember you every time I eat Oreos or jolly biscuits because of all the nights you stayed up waiting for us to come home with this as pasalubong.
2. I will remember you every time I’m in sunshine mall because that was where you picked me up every time I commuted home when you could still drive.
3. I will remember you every time I will eat pusit or paella or lengua de gato because that was the last thing I cooked and baked for you on your last Sunday with us.
4. I will remember you every time I am in Boracay. I always wanted to take you there because I know you would have loved it.
5. I will remember you every time the U.S. have their presidential elections because of the times we watched Obama vs. Clinton on CNN together.
6. I will remember you every time I see a golf course and I will console myself by thinking that you are probably already playing on the best golf course in the sky.
7. I will remember you every time I hear send in the clowns because, for some reason, I have a vivid memory of you listening to that sad sad song.
8. I will remember you every time I see a black import because of that funny comment you made at tito ricky’s house one night.
9. I will remember you every time I hear the word FENGSHUI! And I will laugh every time I do.
10. I will remember you every time I smell coffee because of all those times I made a cup for you and for all those times I made someone else do it because I was too lazy.
11. I will remember you every time I drive by C5 because of that stupid night we slept in the pick-up because traffic stopped moving.
12. I will remember you every time I see michael’s long nails that you used to patiently cut and that time when you even ended up cutting the skin around his nails because you couldn’t see clearly na.
13. I will remember you with your eyes closed and your head bobbin every time I watch bobby sing cocaine.
14. I will remember you every time pats wears baggy pants because you really hated that
15. I will remember you every time I see guada healthy because of that time you talked to me, worried and sad, because you thought she will never be.
16. I will remember you every time I see mama happy knowing that she will never really be as happy as when you were with her.

There are still so many things that will remind me of you so please please please God let me never forget.


I miss you everyday papa.

my papa
September 18, 1943 - February 23, 2008

Thursday, March 06, 2008

How are you?

I am touched and grateful for the question but for the first time in 32 years, I don’t know how to answer it. More accurately, I don’t know if I should.

What would these people who ask me how I am do if I decide to tell them EXACTLY how I am? These, I have no doubt, good meaning and genuinely concerned people who probably ask only because they don’t know what else to say (Because really, what else is there to say?) Will they have the time, the energy to listen to me talk and ramble on and on and on as I try desperately to understand why what happened happened? Will they have the patience to just sit, awkward and still, when I lose myself in thoughts that are often too painful to share? Are they equipped to help me unload this heavy, heavy, unbelievably heavy feeling I've been carrying in my chest since that awful thursday?

So I say I’m okay - even if I’m not - because I believe I will be someday - because I'm tough like papa that way. Except I’m sure that okay will never mean the same again. Not without him.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


It doesn’t begin with a promotion or an elected position. It doesn’t come with money or a commanding voice that makes everybody’s knees shake

It starts here - the time when you wake up in the morning. That small window before your day breaks when your mind begins to stir before your eyes even open. That fraction of a moment when you have absolute power to decide if today is gonna be a good day or not. Because if you don’t make that decision then, you put yourself at the mercy of life’s whims, and that is never a good way to live.

Today is gonna be a fantastic day!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A new year. A new word. A new perspective.



Training is over. No more practice. It’s game time. Let’s play!!!