Thursday, September 23, 2004

why am i waiting? slowly dehydrating. why am i waiting? why oh why

its 9:22 says my computer clock. its time to go home now says my tired weary body. i would too except im still waiting for the script from monster.

so the wait should explain the time i have on my hands right now.

okay, last night, the girlfriends were having a pint of ice cream and cinnabon at powerplant. and we started talking about 'passion'

i dont have it. for anything.

i really believe that part of my fascination with italy and the italian people is their culture and how it is all about passion. it speaks in their art, in their language, in their food, in their willingness to die and kill for family, love and whatever else they believe in.

i dont have it. for anything.

i wish i did though. i wish i had mamus passion for acting, or deesjs for photography, or drachs for music, or nivs for film, or even riyas for organization :) but as it is, i dont burn for anything. my life is blah. a steady leisurely drive to tagaytay instead of a high-speed car chase. and sometimes i want the exhilaration of a high speed car chase.


cinderelli, cinderelli, everybody cinderelli!

been shuttling back and forth from north to south this week. meetings in paranaque, quezon city, manila and makati have kept the nerves on egg shells, in dire need of calming. clients who have always been patient and friendly, are still, understandably, clients. and clients tend to believe sometimes that the world revolves around them and agency folk will wait, in eager anticipation, for their next demand.

thats how my past two weeks have been - demand after demand after demand. "Maite i need this..." "maite can you send me the...." "maite could we meet on...."

maite, maite, maite, everybody maite.

everybody wants a piece of me. just because im fat doesnt mean there's more of me to go around for crying out loud.

i need a break. or, at the very least, a complete 8-hour sleep.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

conspiracy theory

sometime last week, im not sure where or why, but 5 of my accounts got together for coffee and plotted against me. they probably decided that i'm not doing enough already. probably thought that i was superwoman and have devised ways and set deadlines to test my powers.

truth is, im just a girl, sitting infront of a computer, waiting for next sweldo.

Friday, September 17, 2004

my favorite poems by pablo neruda (now this is what i call MUSH!)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.



eto na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. ang daming things ang nagtra-trafic ngayon sa intestines ko.

breakfast: tortillos
lunch: pasta, 4 (4 man!) slices of pizza and two scoops of ice cream
merienda: more tortillos, macaroni soup, binatog and chocnut


Thursday, September 16, 2004

if i were a book (raw)

You're Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

because mamu asked me to

Which Alan Rickman Character Are You?

NOTE: i havent seen this movie so i cant verify its accuracy.

may beef rin naman ang pigs ah.... (for deesj)

to dispel misconceptions that i am all sunshine and roses, my top five pet peeves;

1. taxi drivers who, before you even set foot inside the cab, already demand that you add extra to the meter cos its traffic, or late, or some other reason. i will naman talaga eh. without them telling or reminding me, i will naman eh. asar.

2. DJs who love to talk (case in point - chico and delamar) i want to shoot them. if i wanted to hear conversation, i would round up the chums and have a far more interesting one. car rides from here to there is the only time na nga lang for me to catch up on 'music' eh ido-dominate pa nila ng 'issues' at 'point of views' nila na really are not all that amusing ha. i know, i know, i can just tune in to another station but, my brother pats, just because he sits in front, gets to choose the station and i am held prisoner to the stupid banter of these two.

in connection with that, i also hate it when DJs feel that they have to end their spiel exactly before the song begins. god, how hill-billy-willy?!?

3. buhok sa sahig ng banyo - specially sa gym. gross. gross. gross. although guilty rin ako dito so hee....

4. these fucking call back alerts from globe. its really stupid.

5. for some reason, and this is pretty illogical of me, but i really really hate pagkakamot sa ulo. not of the get-rid-of-an-itch-scratch kind. yang you ask them a question and they scratch their headler, i hate it. i hate it.

ika nga ni olivia newton john "I LOVE HUGH. I HONESTLY LOVE HUGH"

i didn't really understand the mass hysteria at first. yes, he was cute and all but, at the end of the day, he was the man who got caught with his pants down and his dick in divine browns 5-dollar-a-blow mouth. The fact that the stunning elizabeth hurley would have done it for free and more is but gravy to the testimony of how stupid this brit could be.

but i have spent countless, cold, lonely nights with him since. him as William Thacker in notting hill, him as daniel cleaver in bridget jones' diary, him as George Wade in two weeks notice and, the one that really knocked me down cold, him as the prime minister in love actually.

Reality check time: maybe, to borrow the words of a good friend i dont see anymore, MAYBE on a cold and rainy night in tuguegarao, maybe he will want me too. if only for a quick fuck. MAYBE. but i know the limits of my charms and this man will never ever fall in love with me.

SIGH....... such is life.

but there are a few men who/m i definitely think will:

1. Matt Damon - a brilliant mind with a lost soul, thats how i see him. I think he has yet to discover true love and i think i can show him if tadhana only lets him find me.

2. Colin Firth - he will love me in a repressed yet highly intense way. he will watch me as i sleep to make sure that i'm okay but he will leave before i wake so i will not know just how much he loves me.

3. Pablo Neruda (if he were still alive) - he will write poems for me and will hold my hand as he recites them to me.

4. Aga Muhlach - mamu said he's bland. but i think i can spice up his otherwise bland personality and he will forever be grateful to me for it. and i also hear that he's having problems with charlene.

5. David Kelley - because sometimes i see michelle in me. and i know he will too.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

how sweet it is to be loved by you

i just read a blog - duckfeets - and it is, by far, the sweetest anything someone who isnt my boyfriend has done for me.

i am blown away mare. i was prepared pa naman to make you sweat a litlle thinking of ways to repay me for the weekend that i was deprived of. instead, i am deeply touched. with matching tears to boot.

it has to be said though, partly in the interest of reciprocity, but mostly because it would simply be an injustice of gargantuan proportions if it remains unsaid, that you have become a perpetual source of happiness for me.

that on many occassions, after a good day, i lie in bed thinking "if i had only seen riya, it would have been perfect."

that seeing your name on my phone automatically switches my button and i am instantly all lit up inside (arn't you somewhat glad that i didnt say 'turned on?')

that i am in constant awe of you - an old soul with spunk who gets along beautifully with 11-year-olds and parents alike. and that i sometimes consciously go on 'riya' mode when the situation calls for a different handle a maite cant pull off.

that despite the many people that surround me, there are only a handful i feel truly safe with. friends i can count on to love me and my bullshit. you're one of them.

and that yes, it would absolutely be a delight to have you on my side when we're old and gray getting massages and foot scrubs :)

Friday, September 10, 2004

am i ready for this again?

i adore kids. anyone who knows me knows that. kids can be the most honest creatures kasi (and i use the word honest without attaching the word malicious to it), they say what they feel and what they think without thinking of the consequences not because they're mean, but just because they're too innocent to know that it could be potentially damaging.

like yesterday, i was so bored here so i went to creatives supposedly to talk to dodo who turned out to be busy. so i approached amos instead. Amos is the 7-year-old son of one of the CDs. so I sat beside him to bond a little and also to eat his fries.

ETS: hey amos. do you remember me?
AMOS: yes. you're tita goddess. {kids are also easily brainwashed so i take advantage sometimes}
ETS: good. so amos tell me, what do you with your time?
AMOS: What do you mean?
ETS: When you're bored, what do you do?
AMOS: {gives me this blank look} what is bored?
ETS: {ets ignores the question and changes the topic} am i fat?
AMOS: Yes {says it matter of factly}
ETS: like just mild or super
AMOS: {looks up from his bag of fries} super {looks back down}

ganon lang yon for them eh.

anyway, im spending tonight and tomorrow night with riyas kids for india. im dreading it somewhat, no offense mare, but i really have no connection with these children. im sure they're endearing and all but i have yet to prove it. i was hoping i wouldnt have to but riya got herself bit by a mosquito and is now homebound with dengue and itchy feet.

im sure, at some point this weekend or perhaps throughout its entire duration, i will be comparing these kids to my own last year. and im willing to bet one hundred million dollars that this bunch will not measure up.

cos how can they compete naman with these adorable ones?

my cisv kids Posted by Hello


i had the most vivid dream the other night.

he was sitting two rows behind me in a classroom. the other people, me included, were having a rather passionate debate about something or other. and he just sat there in the corner, by the window, reading a book, lost in his own world.

i would look at him occasionally, to check on him. something told me that although i did not really have a friendship with this guy, we had a connection of some sort. at one point, he looked up from the book he was reading and met my gaze and i could tell he felt the connection too.

ika nga, may electricity there.

anyway, cut to cut to an open field na may washing machine na naconnect sa puno at si ets naglalaba ng damit. there were a lot of people around me, all of them caucasians by the way, na, for some reason, dressed in their sundays best drinking tea. weird. but yes, there i was, in the middle of a hoity-toity tea party washing my laundry in a washing machine connected to a tree.

someone tapped me on the shoulder, i turned around and it was him (by the way, this guy is really gwapo ha.) and with the most urgent look in his eyes, he said "i have to leave but there's just something i need to do before i do," and then he kissed me. that soul-draining, earth-quaking, got-me-in-my-boots-shaking kind of kiss.

surcharge of electricity dito. ibang klase. i can still feel it.

after we kissed, we just started laughing. you know that nervous laugh that makes you feel all warm inside. thats the one.

after we laughed and kissed some more, he said "come with me" and i said "okay" and we walked into the sunset, holding hands.

been desperately trying, since i woke up yesterday morning, to remember what he looks like. i fail. oh well....

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

the silogs of marinduque

mamu and i were chatting about the silogs (of marinduque). she's in love kasi with toci and misses him badly. i personally think toci is too sweet. my best friend is longga. sometimes though, i hang also with tapsi. tapos i said na kay toci ako hindi super close, mas close pa nga kami ni dangsi (cilio) na tawang tawa lang sya. two seconds later, i got this file from her. by the way, dang cecilio na ti-next rin bigla ni deesj from out of the blue yesterday morning.  Posted by Hello

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

the third stooge... and why i love him

His name is larry and he’s my boss and for as long as I can help it, I do not want to work for anybody else.

My reasons;

1. because this morning, on our way back to the clients building from the loft, he whispered to me (as if reading the question in my head) “maite, mas mataba sya sa yo”

2. because yesterday, he came to our work area with the biggest smile on his face to announce “girls, I have a new boytoy for you. a new writer” and when we said “sir, ang bata nya” he answered “okay nga yon eh, MAKATAS.”

3. because kanina, knowing that I had a 5’o clock deadline for a proposal I hadn’t yet started at 3:30, he shyly reminded me na “maite, we have to submit that today ha” and when I said “u-umpisahan ko na sir” he is all at once reassured.

4. because whenever its dead silent in his car on our way to or from a client, he asks me about my love life. A conversation that almost always ends with “don’t worry maite, you’ll meet someone who deserves you.”

5. because sometimes he just casually announces “nagugutom ako” and then 30 minutes to an hour later, food comes for everybody.

6. because in one of our pitch presentations, when I told him that I might not be able to go, he said “but you’re my lucky charm.” (I know it was bull but still)

7. because when he overhears me borrowing money from someone, he immediately offers me “how much do you need maite?”

8. because when he asks me to clean my desk naman (cos you know naman ets), he’s so nahihiya pa.

9. because when I’m bored and I know that he’s not doing anything (or even if he is), I can just enter his office and talk about anything under the sun and I always leave the discussion with new learnings.

10. because he gave me a minimizer bra for my birthday two years ago. From marks and spencers. What boss does that?

Monday, September 06, 2004

the yogi in me

my body is in pain. which is really weird considering i wanted to do yoga to feel better, to achieve some internal balance i know i dont have. Really so much for that. i feel like my stomach is all smooshed inside. i cant laugh heartily (which is really the only way i know how), i cant exert effort when i want to make uu, and i couldnt do my crunches properly at the gym this morning.

but my god, was my instructor bendy!

Friday, September 03, 2004

food file 001

restaurant: Ang maliit na kusina ng diyos
company: gigi

the artichoke with gorgonzola dip (appetizer) - loved it. the first reason for me to go back there.

pork tenderloin with mushrooms and tarragon wine (my entree) - a disappointment. im not being difficult or anything but i expect tenderloins to be tender. otherwise, lose the adjective porky. Also, that mashed potato could have used a tad more taste.

crispy lapu-lapu - (gigi's entree) the chief found other ways to make it better. Had she not, it would have just been glorified fish sticks. glorified with what you ask - SINGKAMAS!

pecan pie (dessert) - the best i've had ever. although, some more pecans in there would have elavated it to a whole new level. second reason for me to go back.

PR - good. the owner came to our table for a not-so-quick chat. weirdly enough, he thought I was the fil-am and not blue-carrying passport gigi.

all in the family

this morning, i jokingly (or maybe not) accused my mother for the nth time of misplacing my passport. she looked at me like a child who isnt really sure if she's guilty or not and said "but why would i do that sweetheart?"

she was so cute. and i was just so suddenly overwhelmed with love for her that i had to leave right away cos i was scared that if i look at her a second longer i was gonna burst into tears.

its wonderful loving someone that much.


yesterday was the blessing of my cousins office. it was also the first day of my sister on the job (yay!) so there we were in starbucks, my cousins, my cute pamangkins and my titos and titas, being very noisy.

our clan, on my mothers side, is a mix of everything extreme. when we get together, its either soooo fun or soooo scary kasi somebody is always almost about to throw a fit. eitherway, we're always always loud.

i love my family.

and yes, some more than others.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

what's in a name?

after a presentation today, the client, whom i just met, asked me if i was the youngest in the family. i said no. and she said, "oh, i assumed you are cos maite, which is also the name of my youngest sister, means my little one and is commonly a name given to the youngest in the family."

hmmmm.... interesting.


i am not easily awed. i am seldom blown away. my friendship, i give out unselfishly. but respect, been quite stingy with it.

today though, and this woman - the client i referred to above, is an exception.

she spoke and people listened. she would pause and people waited, with held breaths, for her opinion.

best of all, she had no idea that she is how she is.

makes me wish i met her when i was a child just so i can point to her and say "when i grow up, i want to be just like her."

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

some friends! hmph!

drach was obviously pilit to chat with me, arrian ignored my 65 buzzes and joel just invented some lame ass excuse to put down the phone.

and i am so very bored. and i still have to wait 5 more minutes before i can leave this office.

sucks my life man.
how cute naman slugger noh?  Posted by Hello

viva españa!

in coelho's highly overrated book the alchemist, he said that if you want something bad enough, the whole universe will conspire to help you achieve it.

last sunday, we had a family thing at home. my cousin ana and i decided, almost on a whim really, to move to spain and find work there. i mentioned it to my parents and, surprisingly, they were all for it. in fact, they were even encouraging. urging me to take some more spanish courses at instituto and they even mentioned that i should get in touch with CISV contacts there for opportunities.

so i have their blessing. good. but of course i dont have their financial backing. so thats what i have to do from now until then - save. im really not very good at handling my finances. my sweldo just go through my hands like water and i dont know where it goes. but okay, from now on, il always keep my financials in check. i dont know how but il find a way.

timeframe: basta while im still 30. which gives me until march 8, 2006.

so yesterday i talked to paolo (my officemate about my plans). i talked to him specifically because i knew his brother works in the philippine embassy in madrid. as it turns out, the brother is coming for a vacation in two weeks. so i get to meet him and beg for a job. which paolo assures me im sure to get anyways.

plus free board pa raw while im getting settled.

okay, i know i love making plans i dont pursue noh, but i have a different feeling about this.

Chums, walang magco-comment ng SHAR!!! dito ha. send me nothing but good vibes okay? okay!