I was talking to my mother on the phone just now when she
casually tells me that she’s worried about my soul. I ask her why and she says because I don’t
hear mass anymore.
I laugh it off.
My soul is fine.
I have never felt better about my soul. I have made a promise I intend to keep and I
am at peace with that. God and I, we have a thing.
But now that I’m a mom, I completely understand her.
She was raised to believe that her performance as a mom will
depend on my performance as a catholic so she worries when I, or any of her
other children, stray from the catholic path.
I remember her telling us when we were children that she’s not breaking
her back to take care of us in this life only to be separated from us when we
die. “Let’s all be together in heaven,” she
said.
Sure. I’m all for
heaven.
So, what shall I base
my performance as a mom on?
Well, I just
want two things for sage - to be happy and to please please be kind, possibly the two hardest things in the world to be sometimes. Of course I will love her anyway if she turns
out to be miserable and cruel, but I don’t think I will be able to hide my
heartbreak.
I actually miss going to mass. It's very much like yoga to me. Time to reflect about things. I don't think God will keep me away from heaven if I miss mass. I believe being a bad person is the only thing that can do that. But maybe I'll start going to mass again. I haven't been in a while only because, well, walang time sa world!
So I shall make a real effort now to go for my mom because my going is more important to her than my not going is to me. And I love her. And I don't want her to worry anymore.