Hi. I'm maite. And I do really stupid things at such inopportune times.

like last night.

I was on my way to Makati med where my abuela was confined when I started thinking "Hmmm.... what if some hot guy picks me up tonight and wants to take me right here in the middle of the kalye. What will i tell him?"

So i started thinking about what I would tell him cos god i wouldnt want it to lead to a relationship (whatever). So i stopped, took out my palm, and wrote down my monologue. I just changed one line in there when i typed it kanina. Anyway,


WHAT I WOULD SAY TO MY ONE NIGHT STAND

Don’t tell me your name
I do not need to know it
I will call you baby
I will call you god
That will do

And if by chance a name escapes my lips,
Pretend it is yours.

Don’t tell me what pays your bills
or how you like your eggs.
Don’t speak of the party that kept you up
or the monsters that wake you in the middle of the night.

None of it matters.
Not now.

And you don’t have to know my name.

You can call out 14 different names
And I will be every single one of them.

Picture me your virgin.
Picture me your whore.
Picture me the widow of your best friend.
Picture me your 7th-grade fantasy.

I am all of them tonight.

Let this be about everything that is nothing.

Rob touch of purpose
Deprive kisses of promise
Take away the meaning of anything that resembles love

It won’t be made here tonight

Save it for the girl you haven’t met
for the wife who waits
for the life you dream

Or pretend it is here
But know that it will soon die on top of me,
Spent and satisfied.

*****

I shouldn't really be thinking of stupid things at these times noh.

Ako'y isang bakya...

Opo. Bakya po ako. Pinakilig at pinaiyak ng mga pelikula ni ate shawie at claudine baretto, pumadyak ang paa ng sayawan ni Aga at Gary V. sa Bagets at hotshots, at tumili ng parang baliw nung may gustong patayin sa sindak si barbara. Mahilig akong manood ng pelikulang pilipinong pangmasa. Isang bagay na hindi ko kailanman ikinahiya.

Well what about this DREAMBOY movie?!?!?! Ano ba naman star - ang sama eh. nakakasuka. nakakadiri. nakakahiya.

Come on peeps... lets do better.

At saka, no offense to her fans ha, but bea is not really bida material.

Inventions nga eto... because where is drew barrymore?

ISA PA...



AT ETO ANG KICKER!

It must be nice to be jet right now

and i'm honestly so inggit ha.

so, in the universe inside my head where everything is possible, i will clone me into 4 billion etties, gather around the edsa shrine to rally and chant....

PENGENG CRUSH!
PENGENG CRUSH!
PENGENG CRUSH!
PENGENG CRUSH!
PENGENT CRUSH!

at sana yung realistic. tama na ako sa patrick dempsey at colin firth.

Hee hee hee

I was the most angry naman in my last blog eh.

Get off your high horses so i can box you both in the head

Okay, this is gonna be quick because i have to run to a meeting but i also have to vent because im very upset.

1. To my friend's vegetarian friend who said i shouldnt call myself a vegetarian because i started eating oysters, clams, and shrimps again because i didnt want to deprive myself of all that is good in this world -

You arrogant moron and a half, you can take your vegetarian label and stick it up your constipated ass because I DONT WANT IT. If you're doing this because you genuinely care for animals, then i suggest you get down on your knees and kiss my feet because I'm helping you save them regardless of my reasons. And if you can't see past my reasons for doing it cos maybe you think its stupid that im doing it because of a promise i made to God or because I break out in hives when I eat meat or because I just simply prefer vegetables to meat, then you just shut your ugly mouth before i send a decapitated horse's head to your bed tonight.

2. To my client who spent two hours of my time back-biting his brother in law because the brother in law is rich and he's not -


You pretentious angry old man, you stop pretending that money means nothing to you when you've based your entire hatred for your brother in law on the fact that he has it and you don't. You're no different from the gold diggers who cant see past the dollar sign except that you dont cling to the rich, you run away from them even if they turn out to be nice guys in the end. You told me that you hate it that he's proud of being rich, well thats not any different from you being proud of being poor. You think i think of you now as a humble, principled man who doesn't let money get in the way of his rationality? No sir, you're just a bitter, proud man who's making his wife miserable because he refuses to get along with her brother.

okay, i have to go to my meeting now.

My Boracay

It’s been 5 days since our plane landed from Boracay and I still can’t get the island off of my head.

Simply put, I love that place.

I love that the beach is big enough to allow everyone a spot to build sandcastles. I love that the island is small enough to give a sense of familiarity and comfort to strangers and natives alike. I love that the food bought off a street stand is just as good, and unfortunately as fattening, as the gourmet plates that are served in its first class restaurants. I love that vendors never tire of offering their goods despite the countless times they have been turned down, and I especially love that some of them sell items that have no business being sold in a beach like pearls and gold. I love that everyone will insist to be your personal bellhop and carry your bag even if it’s just a tote. I love that all dogs are communal pets and everyone shares the responsibility of taking care of them and scratching their ears. I love that I can run barefoot in the sand and jump around in the water like an unchaperoned 7 year old. I love that the fine, white sand and the clear, clean waters still surprises me every single time I step out in the beach. I love that I can always count on the sunset to take my breath away and for the gazillion stars to make me want to hold somebody’s hand. But most of all, I love that I can just turn to anyone and smile knowing fully well that I will get an even bigger smile in return.

Despite of all the whys I love Boracay though, there were two reasons that I especially loved my visit this time; the company and the food.

THREE’S COMPANY

I was with my brother Joey and my sister Guada. He spent a night there 5 years ago and she has never been. So, with 3 Boracay vacations in my belt, I took the island-expert role and told them to follow my lead. They were the most excited tourists I’ve ever gone with on a vacation. He was the ‘Go. Go. Let’s do everything’ kind and she would hesitate and bite her fingers first before she grudgingly said yes.

And while they both loved the island too, they expressed it in different ways.

On our last afternoon there, Guada and I were frying on the sand when Joey emerged from the water, ran to where we were, plopped down beside us, raised his arms up in the air and with the biggest smile shouted “THIS IS THE BEST VACATION EVERRRR!!!!” He would take off on his own at 6 in the morning and 12 midnight while we girls slept because he would rather enjoy the island outdoors. He would come back with amazing photos that made us almost wish we didn’t sleep instead. Almost.

Guada, on the other hand, was not as vocal. She would watch everything in silence and just smile every once in a while as though she just suddenly discovered the island’s biggest secret. Being our resident OC, she would stop us from petting possibly rabid dogs, touching possible bacteria infected surfaces, and leaving a mess in the bathroom after we bathe. She would impatiently ask me “what are we eating for dinner?” two seconds after we have breakfast. And wow did she love the shopping.

I can’t wait to go on another vacation with these two.

THE FLAVORS OF THE ISLAND

Before I left for Boracay, I made a list of all the places that I should bring my siblings to eat. I wrote down two places in bold letters. One of them delivered, one disappointed.

‘Real Coffee’ is a small quaint café hidden inside one of Boracay’s alleys. The place, which is mostly made of bamboos, has a cozy feel that makes you just want to sit down in a corner and read a book while drinking a cup of their freshly-brewed coffee.

Even before Josie, one of their friendly staff, handed me their menu, I already knew what I wanted, omelet with cheese, tomato, onion and pesto. It was the first dish I had the first time I ate there two years ago and I never ordered anything else since. The tomatoes are always juicy, the onions still slightly crunchy, the eggs still a little bit runny, the cheese perfectly melted and the pesto, oh my God the pesto, always a perfect mix of basil and garlic. In the 8 times I’ve had their omelet, they never ever failed to satisfy.

While I never have dessert at breakfast, I had no choice but to do so at ‘Real Coffee.’ Their brownies and oatmeal raisin cookies are soooo good. But it was their calamansi muffin that really got me. It just had the right mix of the sweet and the tart that went perfectly with the mildly bitter coffee.

The second place on my list was the Indian restaurant ‘True Foods’. I love Indian food and every time I’m in Boracay, I make sure that I eat there. The ambience at ‘True Foods’ is very relaxed with just about the right touch of sophistication. Chairs were thrown out for more comfortable huge throw pillows that are perfect for the very low wooden tables. The view of the beach from the second floor is nothing short of spectacular though a jacket is recommended to keep the chill away. Everything was perfect. Except, unfortunately, the food. I don’t know if there has been a change of management or a change of kitchen crew or a change of recipe but that was definitely not how I remember their food. I don’t know if they were just having a bad day but I was really disappointed that night. The Shrimp Biryani had all the heat in the world and none of the flavor. The Tandoori chicken was dryer than my skin. And, I’m sorry, but Indian cuisine does not have room for thousand island dressing as dip. Where the hell was my chutney?

But the island found a way to make up for that mess of a meal. It always finds a way to make up for anything actually, be it a burnt house (long story) or a broken heart (longer story.)

All in all though, it was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had.

Good company, good food, good times!!!

I dont care if I get it

Well maybe i do a little but at this point, im okay if i dont. Because i really love the video. And not just because I dont look so fat but because it was so fun to make.

And since this is my first video, syempre may credits.

Tracy, for shooting, editing and calling me stupid 2million times last night because i was being emotionally gross.

Deesj, for telling me about it and encouraging me to apply. And for claire's cam and directional mic.

Mamu, for telling me to focus on something in my essay.

Adi, for holding the camera like a pro when tracy was nanginginig na from lack of a tripod.

Gigi, for turning the light bulb on on cue and shooting the stills.

Jenni, for answering my texts at 2 in the morning about possible concepts.

Drach, for his inputs about the show since he's the only one who has actually seen it.

Monster, for that killer 'fart' line and for finding it funny.

Margie, for laughing til she cried.

Jerking Shrimps

You know that wonderful jerked chicken gastronomic orgasm that gigi makes, she will start selling na the marinade. And she said it works with shrimps too!!!!

Wooo Hoooo!!!!

My geads this is all i can think about right now.

***

To all those who will be buying gigi's wonderful marinade, may i suggest to try any of many equally explosive desserts to cap your meal from Compulsive Eaters.


Shameless plugging eto.

Conversations with cabbies

I spend a lot of time in cabs. So obviously, I spend a lot of time with cabbies. I have come to appreciate the...hmmmm...loneliness cab drivers must face everyday. To be constantly surrounded by people and yet be invisible. To be always in the middle of conversations and yet be ignored. To be ordered, forgotten, paid, and left behind all in the time it takes to get from benavidez to valero.

So i try to be a polite passenger whenever i can.

I listen when talked to, answer when necessary, and even smile occasionally.

They do love to talk. They talk about anything and everything. From politics, to religion, to showbiz chismis, to, of course, the rising cost of fuel.

But when they start talking about themselves, i channel my inner Oprah and start to have a conversation.

Last night was one of my favorites.

***

"Alam ko ang United Paranaque. Bago palang ako mag abroad alam ko na yan," he casually says.

"San ka nagpunta?" I asked. If you've been abroad, I want to know where because I'm an inggitera.

"Every year ako nag a-abroad. One year sa Kuwait. One year dito. Driver ako dun."

"Talaga?"

"OO. Maliit nga lang ang sweldo ko eh. 3,600 lang."

"Dollars?" I asked.

"OO," he answered.

I, of course, couldn't stop myself from saying "Ang yabang mo naman. Hindi nga?"

"OO nga. Pero mababa yon kumpara sa ibang amerikano na kapereho ko sa trabaho."

"Talaga?", although I'm sure there was a big SHYAR!!! flashing on my forehead noh. "Fun ba sa Kuwait?"

"Okay naman. Open city na yon. Maraming pinay na babae na blah blah blah" He must have noticed that mind had already drifted off because he cleared his voice before he continued to say "Pumunta ako sa Kuwait pagkatapos kong makulong."

So, attentive na naman si ets diba?

"Nakulong ka?" I asked as i hold on tighter to my bag with my left hand and ready my right to open the door in case i needed to jump out of there.

"OO. Sundalo ako nuon. Napasama ako sa coup nung kay Gringo," he shares.

Fear turns into judgment "Bakit ka naman kasi sumama dun?"

He gets on the defensive "Hindi ko talaga alam maam na ganun pala. Sundalo ako sa probinsya (I forget where), sarhento na ako. Tinawagan ako nung superior ko ng madaling araw, sabi nya na i-ready ko raw ang platoon ko. Alam mo kasi sa military, obey first before you ask. So wala akong tanong-tanong. Na-excite nga ako dahil babyahe kaming maynila. So pagpunta namin ng maynila, pinapunta kami sa Dusit, sa Hotel Nikko. Tapos yon, coup na pala yon. Na-aresto kami, nakulong ako ng anim na buwan."

"Pinagsisihan mo ba yon?"

"Hindi mo na rin masabi eh. Ganon talaga sa trabaho namin eh."

***

Another story that I haven't forgotten happened several years ago. I've unfortunately forgotten who I was with but we were a lot because I remember feeling cramp at the back.

We were driving by 6750 when he points to the building and says in perfect english "That's where my daughter works. She's an executive for Caltex."

And thats when I started to take notice of him. He was probably in his early 50s. You had to look closely, but you could tell that his features were very mestizohin. Even in his worn-out shirt, he could have easily passed as one of my dad's friends. And it was obvious from the way he spoke that sentence, that he was educated.

As it turns out, he was a rich kid. He went to La Salle for college and graduated with a degree in business management. He married his girlfriend and they had 2 children. He quit his job shortly after he got it because he was too spoiled and too arrogant to take orders from someone else. He took his parents' money and he gambled it away. Took his wife's money and gambled it away.

His wife left him and brought their children with her. She did okay without him. Found a job and was able to raise their kids well and send them to college.

He was hit by depression and wasn't able to recover as quickly. But one day, he realized that he had to do something. By this time he had already lost his friends too and had no one to run to. No company would touch him. So he applied as a cab driver.

At the time we met him, he had just been driving for a little over a year. "I'm not used to hard labor," he said. He holds up his hand to show us his calluses that still seem fresh "I got these from driving everyday of the week without a day off for the past year. I want to change my life," he added.

***

And there, of course, is my all time favorite cabbie. He's name is Guy Goma. He is my ultimate example of a man who will pretend to know how to swim when he's thrown in the river even if he's drowning just because people are watching on the shore.

***