Thursday, December 13, 2007

My feelings about feelings

I just recently realized that I’m not at all comfortable having feelings. I mean I love to talk and I’m vocal about my opinions and my theories and I have no problems sharing them with anybody but feelings are an entirely different thing. I hide it, deny it, bottle it or pretend they’re something other than what they are. I don’t like being afraid or vulnerable or ridiculously happy or hopeful. When I start feeling these things a part of my brain turns around and runs to the opposite direction.

I envy people who can easily talk about their feelings. They walk in a room, sit down and casually, and some inarticulately, deliver a monologue of feelings both so complex and silly it deserves a sit-down with Oprah. And I listen amused, entertained and, yes, envious.

I am not made like that.

Apparently, I can only talk about my feelings when I’ve already detached myself from them. And talking about feelings you’ve already detached yourself from is as insane as thinking about wearing a shirt you’ve already given away.

The other night I had devastating news. I couldn’t talk about it until I was sure I could without breaking down. I’m afraid that if I give in to the fear, the universe will really act on it. So I allow myself to shrug off the severity of what I feel because acknowledging it would just be risking too much.

And so, I therefore conclude that I don’t like having feelings.

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