Dear God,

It would be a waste of time to start with anything else but the obvious so let me just break the ice by saying that that 2008 was the single most difficult, painful, traumatic, terrible year of my life. Of course, I’m just taking your lead here since you didn’t want any time wasted either when you clued us in on just how difficult the year was going to be when we found papa unconscious in the bathroom on January 1, 2008. I suppose you didn’t want to insult us by sending subtler hints like black cats or dead fish wrapped in newspaper. I appreciate that. It was going to be hell and you wanted us to brace ourselves. Thank you.

We lost papa in February 23. Since then, there hasn’t been a day that I have not felt guilty about not spending more time with him or not showing him enough how much I loved him. I will have to learn to forgive myself for that someday. It’s difficult to breathe you see, when it feels like this big, merciless hand is gripping your heart. Guilt is often merciless. As it should be. Rightly or wrongly, this guilt is still one of the things that connect me to papa today. I am grateful for it.

A little over a month after, tito gozen passed. In august, abuela's long and fruitful life came to an end. In September, caye left us as well. In December, tita nena’s tired body finally found rest. Four people I loved dearly and who were loved immeasurably by people I myself love immeasurably. My mother, her brothers and sisters, Tracy, and Corinne have lost sooo much. I have never once pretended to know exactly what they were going through. Loss is different for everybody. And yet, loss is still loss. And papa’s death prepared me to be there for them.

All I wanted to do, all that I thought was right to do, was mourn for them. Life should have left me alone to grieve. Instead, I had to worry constantly about money and keeping our house. Instead, I had to keep on mending a stubborn heart that kept breaking.

Enough.

It’s done.

I will be happy now.

After all, I have so much to be grateful for.

I have this amazing group of people I call my family and get along with like friends. And then I have this other amazing group of people I call my friends and love like family. I am surrounded by individuals who have held my hand and kept me warm through all this shit. I will not exchange any one of them for Brad Pitt. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am especially grateful for this strong, incredible woman who has kept my family well and happy. I watch her sleep sometimes and I am always filled with pride and love when I do. She’s not perfect and she’s sometimes weird and she’s bullishly set in her ways but she is simply amazing.

I have a job that I am loving more and more each day. Never mind that its not a passion that consumes me and never mind that it doesn’t pay so much. I like the people I work with. I love the man I work for. I even enjoy the company of my clients for your sake. Hahaha. Get it? I was gonna say for Christs sake but since I was already talking to you I said for your sake. Hahaha. Sorry. Exag.

Anyway, moving along.

I have a sense of humor that keeps me sane. Thank you.

I have a new car. Yesssss. Thank you.

I, at least, didn’t gain as much weight as I could have. Yes, I definitely could have gained much much more. Super thanks.

I have enough wonderful memories of the people we’ve lost to keep them alive in my heart forever. Thank you very much.

Basta marami pa.

All I can say is, I am looking forward to 2009. I am excited. I am very excited. After all, there’s nowhere to go but up. And I promise you my dear God, that I will do more than go up. I will fly.

Amen.

Love always,
Maite