interlock

tisay ako eh. hindi mapagkakaila na may dugo akong dayuhan. pero my gead minsan, wala talaga akong audio-video lock. the words that are coming out of my mouth, it just really dont fit.

like before in high school, i was talking to this australian student who lived in dasma. eh, tatanungin ko lang naman kung bakit hindi na lang sya maglakad pauwi. but like this what i said you imagine:

dapat: hey melanie, why dont you just walk home?
ang lumabas: hey melanie, why dont you just woke hum?
ang ganda.

tapos one time when i did the first reading for mass, ayaw kong tawagin si jesus na "san of mon" ha.

mali.

and yesterday, during a meeting. sabi ni ets, in her somewhat modulated corporate tone

"we're taking the lead on this project. were spareheeding it."

God!!!

back in the groove

endorphins are the best.
so is perspiration.
i love sweating.
i love men who sweat in a non-dirty-and-mabaho looking way.
i think its sexy.
it gives birth to impure thoughts.
which i seldom have anymore.

okay, thats not what this blog is about.

this blog is about me, finding my groove back. for the past months (or years), i've been out of my element. going against the grain of my being so to speak. forcing myself to be jello when i am, in fact, for all intents and purposes, chocolate souffle.

god, that chocolate souffle in brenner was the best wasnt it?

i stray again.

actually, i have nothing more to say pala.

bye.

ashes to ashes

"today is a good day to die," said a pre-24 kiefer opening the movie flatliners. i dont think il be ready to say that anytime soon. the only time i felt ready to die was in pristine boracay, watching a freshly cleansed world after a typhoon, that time i thought okay na rin kung kunin ako ni lord ngayon.

tapos na yon. my fear of death is back. fear of what lies beyond the life i know.

in college, death was lengthily discussed in my philosophy subjects. i dont buy any of it. i mean, all arguments were made by people who were still alive so what do they know of the subject anyway. So none of the arguments from the logical to the scientific to the religious could appease my frightened little soul.

what if everything ends with our last breath. no white light. no heaven. no hell. no purgatory. just nothing. everything we are just stops being. everything that was becomes nothing.

i am more comforted by the concept of hell than nothing. for the possibility of hell implies the possiblity of heaven. the punishment of evil connotes the reward of good.

and heaven i can strive for.
and good i can achieve.

kaso, hindi ko sure ang standards ni God. so hindi ko alam if im ever good enough to merit me a piece of heaven.

then there's always reincarnation. globe had a promo before na you type your name and birthday and you send it to a certain number then they send you a text about who you were in a past life. stupid noh? pero sucker ako for these things eh. so text ako.

my name was luciana something. a candlemaker from italy. i was married to a wax supplier who worshipped me. i died peacefully in my sleep of old age and when i did, the whole neighborhood gathered around my house to light a candle for me.

how nice noh?

anyway, can you imagine nalang my sadness when i met the guy who was commissioned by globe to make up all this pastlife bullshit. not that i believed it in the first place. but it was a comforting thought.

anyway, about reincarnation. im not sure i buy that either. because really, how tiring naman to just be born and then die all the time. its nietzsche's eternal recurrence. a vicious never-ending cycle.

to me it means a soul never finding home. never finding rest. never finding peace.

hay.... basta siguro live well nalang noh? fuck death. concentrate on living.

rest in peace

the plan was to have coffee with the chums and then sweat a little in the badminton court with the work pals.

that was the plan.

and like all the other plans i've made in my life, there it went in flames.

let this be the cemetery of all the plans i've made, killed and buried:

1. urban kitchen
2. langit ko'y bawang
3. inbreeding
4. a law career
5. a gold medal in gymnastics
6. contract of immorality
7. kids by 25
8. a million by thirty
9. half a million by thirty
10.time deposit by 25

dreams that are in the ICU:
1. see the world
2. family
3. hot body

that beautiful thing called alaxan

i have migraines all the time. advil doesnt work for me. only two things do. a thousand mgs of biogesic can do the trick. sometimes.

alaxan does all the time.

it doesnt get rid of the pain. it detaches you from it.

you know its still there, but its suddenly far away. like a house up a hill when you're down in the meadow frolicking with the cows.

im frolicking now.

in celebration of my love for alaxan.

si rommel at si flossy...

they were going up the escalator when i saw them earlier.

the site of them both just melted me.

here are two people, with a past behind them worthy of a tele-novela series, holding hands, all lit up, so in love.

a leap of faith is never greater than that taken by scarred hearts who choose to love again.

tonight il say a prayer for them.
for things to work out this time.
for a happy ever after.
and yes,
for the wheelbarrow to keep on rolling! (lets just hope the chief doesnt witness this again though)

gigi is back

she's home and she came bearing such cool gifts.

and life makes just a little more sense again

because my gigi is back.

oh no here she comes. watch out cos she'll chew you up. oh wow here she comes. the compulsive eater. 

how apt

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mister pure energy

so i was having lunch with monster and deesj at kitchen right. when suddenly, in comes gary v.

i look at him.
he looks at me.
i break into a big smile.
so does he.
i say hello
he says hi and comes nearer
i look at my plate
and realize that i am having missing ink
i look back at him with panic in my eyes
"sorry, im having squid"
he lightly touches me on the shoulder and says
"oh its okay"
and then i proceed to say the most stupid thing ever
"that's why im black."
what i wanted to say was
"im sorry but this dratted squid ink is stubborn on the lips and teeth. it clings.
please don't think i'm gross."
or something witty like
"didn't you get the memo? goth is back and so is bad dental hygiene."
but NO!!!!
i said
"thats why im black"

what the flying fuck was that?

Kill me nalang if....

1. i ever fall in love with a generic yuppie. the kind that lingers unnecessarily after the last drip of coffee at starbucks 6750 after office hours with their neckties slung over their shoulder. - BLECH!!!!

2. i'm ever out in / with any of the following items:
a. a jelly bag
b. big gold gaudy jewelry
c. open-toe shoes with stockings (lordy).
d. a heavily-logod louis vitton bag
5. bicycle shorts ( i mean really!)

3. i ever become one of them wives who will need permission from the husband nalang always to do something. Also, if i ever become one of those wives who will make sugod the kabit and make a scene in front of a crowd while shouting "walang hiya kang babae ka. mang-aagaw." in joel speak, CHEAPLER!. (although, hindi ko narin alam ang gagawin ko sa sitwasyon na yon noh. knowing me though, cryler nalang in a corner. with occasional thoughts of "aalis nalang kami ng mga bata" pero shar. weakler.)

4. im 40 without kids (cut-off was actually 35, pero mukang impossible na ata. a husband is preferred but considering the odds - not necessary.)

5. i ever take-on the "food is such a bother" attitude.

a quickie

im in a rush. the week is about to start and i am afraid of it.

anyways, i love the west wing. i love it. i love it. and so does my daddy.

cant wait to watch some more.

fall from grace

when you've managed to say no thank you to rice while eating kare-kare and lechon kawali and when you can easily omit the bread buns from a quarter pounder, you start to get cocky.

i was cocky coming into my 13th day. just one more day, i thought to myself, before i start the march with starch again.

but it was right in front of me naman eh. and it was freshly baked. and it smelled sooooo good.

so i had 2 oatmeal cookies today and it was absolutely beautiful.

***************************************************************

anyway, it was a cisv meeting that occupied my afternoon. i wasnt planning on going out today so i can watch the west wing but riya seemed in desperate need of my company (ey ri?).

anyhoo, this is probably the sweetest story i've heard all week.

jojo, a friend and the AL for Italy, proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years the minute she picked him up at the airport when he came home from camp.

he made the decision while in camp and he bought the ring in venice. how wonderful is that?

and then, when he saw her, he got down on his knees and said "Te amo. esposa me per favore" (i hope i got that right)

i just re-read what i wrote and it doesnt sound as romantic as he told it.

oh well.... hay..........

toxic eto

ibang klase. it started off with 9 items to cross out in my to-do list. All of which were deliverable before 11 this morning. and im not talking cute items okay, im talking cerebral aerobics here. hassle man. and then, as i was lining up another 6 things to do before close of business today (including a stupid meeting at 3), i get an email from HongKong asking for a comparative study of CSR efforts (Corporate Social Responsibility to the lay) of my clients' competitors by 5 PM tofuckingday.

anyway, being the magnificent worker that i am, its done.

all of it - done.

this day - DONE!

now im gonna have me some fun.

ETTI DAVIS EYES

Chema told me a long time ago that mine are the most expressive eyes he’s ever seen. It doesn’t hide anything. I can smile from ear to ear but my eyes, they betray me if it aint real.

I was looking at them last night and this morning.

They look tired, old, worn out and ready for retirement – like my favorite white tee.

Chema got this one right. Unlike, unfortunately, most of the questions in his med board exam.

for the love of tracy

since i dont like tracy getting mad at me anymore and in eternal gratitude for her efforts of even going to SM Bicutan just to read my blog, i have moved to a less complicated address.

yay!

ramblings

• all i want is one day, one day where i am not threatened by migraine or memories or carbo.
• i've been so impatient lately. i want things to happen in my life now. like leave. settle in italy or some place far away. im beginning to believe what i've always thought, my destiny beckons beyond the philippine seas.
• i miss my kids. sometimes i wonder about them and i think what if they get married before i do. one of these days, im gonna arrange a get-together. one of these days.
• a fear from the past has been haunting me lately. i've been told, time and again, that im gonna be the bomb if i lose the weight. but what if, knock on wood, i lose all this weight and it turns out that im not so pretty pala. like ruby rodriguez. so would i rather take my chances and burst that bubble or bask nalang forever in what i can potentially become?
• i miss gigi
• i miss mamu
• i miss maun - i wonder sometimes, okay-all the time, what he looks like without the bandana. and then in my head, when he's about to reveal - i stop. cos do i really want to know?
• been wanting to pray for the longest time. the soul-baring kind of prayer. can't seem to bring myself to do it. i dont know what to bare.
• Enough. enough now.- i miss that movie. maybe il watch it this weekend.
• i want my hips to be gone. well not all of it but some.
• i love gozen. he said kanina that i was his favorite. i dont know if he meant it. well, whether i am or not, he's mine.
• i love the chums and all of its sub-groups. especially those which i belong to: chicks who find leoy funny (CWFLF), and chums who find fun in mundane things (CWFFIMT)
• was texting with v kanina. she's back from italy. she said that assisi is the place to be raw. lots of hot, hot, heat. Mmmmmmmm........ sarap.
• i want missing ink. i cant wait til monday.
• i miss flaming hot cheetos.
• sometimes i want to party, sometimes i dont.
• Enough. enough now.

Of friendship and pinoy pride

“hi honey. I’m home. Missed you so much.” This was the text I got from therese the day after she got back from a month-long CISV camp in Norway. I know she probably sent it to ten more people but getting that text really made me feel wonderful about my life.

I do have great friends around me. I’de like to think that its because I know how to pick 'em. But I also know that they did some picking on their own too – and I am one of their pickings.

Great pickers these people around me.

Anyways, I had lunch with therese today. It was long overdue. And she filled me in on what happened in camp. Now, I don’t know if its because im about to get my period, or its because I miss camp too or maybe its this general melancholia surrounding me these days, but one of her kwentos literally drove me to tears.

The activity is called “stereotypes.” Camp is divided by delegation and each country has their own manila paper to pass around so that the other delegations can write what they know about that country – good or bad.

Germany will almost always get a swastika and sausages on their paper. The US will most likely get a football, HOLLYWOOD and the twin towers collapse. India will get elephants. You get the drill.

The Philippines, in therese’s camp, got beaches, coconuts, mango. They also got “poor,” “uneducated,” “presidents wife has a lot of shoes (cute),”and “speaks better English than Filipino.”

Therese told me about the speech she gave after that activity. It wasn’t anything I haven’t heard before so i was really surprised that it touched me the way it did.

She spoke of being poor and corrupt and deprived. She also spoke of how, despite all these, we are striving, as a people, to help our country.

After her speech, she went back to her delegation where 2 of her 4 kids were crying, proud of being Filipinos.

For all of ten minutes today, with tears in my eyes, so was I.

the gorgeous and the goddess

i had a comment on a previous blog from one duckfeet. i had no idea who duckfeet was so i decided to click on the link and give it a read.

two of her three blog entries mentioned singaw. i only know one person who complains about singaws as often as i complain about migraine.

welcome to blog gorgeous.

you know i love you to mush don't you?

www.brassinpocket.blogspot.com

Carbo is the enemy

hi. my name is maite and im a carboholic. i havent had carbs in 7 days.

(pause for applause)

when i was a child, i was forbidden by mother to stand up from the dining table unless i finish my food. most days, it would take me 7 hours to finish my lunch. so right after taking my last subo of lunch, my dinner plate would be set infront of me already.

so when i say i ate all day as a child, please take this to mean that i ate all day as a child.

eventually, the taste of food caught on and what was once forced down my throat and my somewhat svelte physique, i started to welcome with open arms.

a love affair was born.

i dont have a sweet tooth. chicka lang ako sa desserts and matamis things.

ulam was incidental, whatever is there is there.

rice, potatoes, bread and pasta - these are my must-haves. my non-negotiables.

eh kaso, leoy is right. we're turning 30 na next year and our metabolism is starting to run like our old ford laser car - slow mo actions. i also echo drachs sentiments, im not the healthiest person on earth.

so tragic as giving up carbs, even if its only for two weeks, is for me. it has to be done and it does have to be done now.

i only wish i had flaming-hot cheetos before i started. cos thats really all i think of these days.

thank you.

I LOVE MYSELF !

i was already sleeping when my mobile rang. it was almost one in the morning. it was tracy. bored from editing, she called to laugh.

i love it when, prior to a conversation or a hang, the objective is identified and forcefully achieved..

sometimes she'd text me to invite me over to "laugh." or i'd call her and say "hey lets laugh."

so thats what we'd do, laugh.

hay, i love laughing.

last night, she reminded me that when she was still with me at CID, everytime we'd say something funny or do something fucking fabulous (like, say, expose our bras to the madlang world), we'd just blurt out loudly "i love myself" and mean it from the bottom of our fat-covered hearts.

hay...

I LOVE MYSELF!

Yo Ga!

another day.
another blogger.
this time its a hunky with a husky.

welcome to blog ga!

www.memert.blogspot.com

because change is our friend

a new look.

ERM

to the only chick i will turn dike for :-)

well, you and jolie anyways.

welcome to blog.

www.galicious.blogspot.com

my feelings about punctuation (an indirect response to joels comment)

dont get me wrong. not that i have anything against capitals and punctuations (since i treat both of them with as much disrespect as the other.) i do have a valid reason for refusing to take it seriously.

one of my favorite anecdotes is one i read at a back cover of a book called "eats, shoots and leaves - the zero tolerance approach to punctuation" by lynne truss. I've downloaded it for your reference.

A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahah!!!

anyways, my attitude since i read that story has been "if im not sure i can do it properly, might as well not do it at all. unless i want some poor confused waiter in China shot dead by an upset panda."

Its better to be indifferent than stupid about these things.

if i were to orgy

i would love to be a groupie. not for a rock band or anything but for a movie cast. (would the word still apply then?)

anyway, the 5 movies that i would love to be a groupie for:

1. Oceans eleven - Andy Garcia, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Joshua Jackson (i pass on clooney)
2. Love actually - Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and that delicious italian that laura linney was in love with
3. Red dragon - Ralph Fiennes, Edward Norton, Gary Oldman
4. SWAT - Colin Farrell, Olivier Martinez
5. Pirates of the Carribean - Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly

A spotless mind

4 days ago, on our way back from tagaytay, I was telling joel how I felt I wasted a good two years of my life with the asshole and that I want those two years of my life back. In my head, there were so many things I could have done in those two years instead of building a future I evidently would never have.

A very subdued jim carrey knocked some sense into me last night.

Am I really ready to erase all traces of the bad knowing that it will likewise erase all memories of the good?

The last scene, where carrey was ‘okay’ to fall in love again despite knowing how it will eventually end up, that was an absolutely beautiful moment. A great testimony to the stubbornness of the human heart and mans faith in love, hopeless as the situation seems.

Stupidity and bravery - We need both to trust and to love and to live.

Good film.

Fearing Alzheimer’s

I was home early last night. as I plan to be for the next two weeks to help me avoid carb-temptation as I start, yet again, another diet. South beach this time.

I decided that its time for some serious reading again. None of these novels, best categorized as cute, that I’ve been reading these past months.

Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, a book I’ve vowed to read ever since (along with the Bible and War and Peace) was my first candidate. I couldn’t find it. What I found instead were dust-covered copies of Camus’ The Plague and Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground.

Two books I know, for a fact, I read in college.

Two works of art, in fact, that Im certain I’ve written reviews for for one philosophy course or another.

Two literary pieces that I remember enjoying and learning from.

AND

Two stories that I absolutely have no recollection of as I blog.

So I scanned through Underground last night. déjà vu was what it felt like. A place I’ve been and abandoned without any real or vivid memory.

Scary thing is this is not the first time this has happened.

Many times, I’d be halfway reading a book or watching a movie when I realize that I’ve read/seen it before.

It scares me shitless.

My grandmother spent the last years of her life battling, no – wrong word, surrendering to Alzheimer’s.

I hear its hereditary.

And Im scared shitless.

Bury the dead. It stinks up the joint.

this is one of the better lessons i picked-up from a tom cruise flick. makes plenty of sense. at least, it does to me. and i think i'l put it to practice right about now.

it doesnt matter how much time you spend obsessing over the things you did or did not do. Or the infinite possibilities that play out in your head had you done things differently. i can coulda, woulda, shoulda my sweet fat ass till im blue in the face but it won't make an iota of difference to my here and now.

what's done is done.

bury it.

cry if you must... but bury it and walk away.

Enough. Enough now.

my feelings exactly.

an ode to bachii

to the tune of another day in paradise

He is out on a night with the chums
You can see he’s not comfy
He smiles but the look in his eyes
Tells you loud he is sleepy

Oh think twice
Before you spend another day with him to socialize
Oh think twice
Its just another day for him
to wish and pray nalang he dies

You attempt, you really do try
Get to know him bit better
But the truth is you know deep inside
He just wants to go homeler

Oh think twice
Before you spend another day with him to socialize
Oh think twice
Its just another day for him,
To wish and pray nalang he dies

putting things in perspective

i've often been asked by several different people why i never seem to get angry. they're right. i rarely do. i have learned early in life that my anger only upsets one person, ME. and i have decided that i love myself way too much to upset me.

when life gets in a whack, as it usually does every couple of days or so, i take two steps back and try to see the bigger picture. generally, i ask myself "this thing that is irking the bejeesus out of me, will it matter at all this time next year?" most often the answer is no, so i let it slide, smile and move on.

like this morning for instance.

the first email i read was from a client who was, apparently, unhappy with the writing of a press release. she wanted a little more.... heart. initially of course, my reaction was "its a fucking press release ma'am. we are not trying to win a goddamned pulitzer here!"

two steps back.

this time next year, i will be thinner.

and that is what really matters.

an ode to leoyauc

to the tune of against all odds...

Why did you just walk away from us?
Just disappeared for many days
All we wanted was to see him go
Instead you gave us space

Leoy you know naman
We didn’t mean no harm at all

When we take a look at you now
Sometimes we see a trace
A look that reminds us
That behind that smile
You have been through bitter days

When you take a look at us now
Do you secretly make a fist
When you are out with us
Do you secretly want to box a smuchies

When you take a look at us now…
When you take a look at chums now….