mush monster

thats what mamu calls me after my rather infamous 'amore' blog. i think il take it. no point fighting off who i am anymore.

i am the queen of mush. there. i said it.

anyway, the blog actually started off as a list of my favorite lines from movies. it focused on love eventually cos rain does that to me and it was pouring thursday.

anyway, my top ten favorite lines from movies; (the lines that either gave me goose-bumps or made me wish i thought of them, most of which may actually be meaningless to those who have not watched the movies)

1. The Godfather II, Al Pacino - you're nothing to me now fredo. not a brother, not a friend.

2. Bonfire of the vanities, tom hanks - its lonely at the top. but what a view.

3. Steel magnolias, shirley mclaine - you are a boil on the butt of humanity.

4. Return of the king, Aragorn - My friends, you bow to no one.

5. The usual suspects, kevin spacey - the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe that he didnt exist.

6. The Godfather I, Al Pacino - I'm with you now pop

7. The Godfather III, Andy Garcia - Love somebody else

8. Devil's advocate, Al Pacino - Vanity, my favorite sin

9. The return of the king, samwise gamgee - i cannot carry it for you, but i can carry you

10. Thelma and Louise, thelma or louise - You get what you settle for

advertising schmadvertising

im not in advertising.  i say that with neither pride nor regret.  unlike some friends, i dont have any passionate feelings about the industry.  its there.  sometimes what they do matters.  sometimes it doesnt.

today, i attended a whole day seminar conducted by three industry legendaries.  2 of them have proven their worth to me today just by being wonderful speakers.  The ones who did are raul castro and emily abrera.  they almost made me want to shift to creatives in the off chance that i might someday work with them or, at least, watch them present.

i love pitch presentations.  done by very good presenters and backed by excellent materials, presentations transform into theatre with really good visuals. 

speaking of theatre, the afternoon was a workshop conducted by the tanghalang pilipino.  i was in the group taught by robby guevarra, who also turned out to be fanstastic.

lots of brilliant people out there.  brilliant at what they do.  and, most importantly, brilliant people who love what they do.

maybe someday someone will look at me and say the same thing.  

if i can just figure out what it is im brilliant at already.   

joels beck and call girl

thats what i've become today.  actually, thats what i've been for the past week.  the go-to chum to keep him company when he's alone and waiting for tracy to come back from QC.  i don't mind keeping him company. after all, he is my #4 fan.  I owe him something somewhat because of that.

right now, we're at the e-lounge using public computers, one seat apart, chatting.  its the first time i get to hear the audibles of YM beta.  

great fun!  

  


 

Amore

 
i think it was in january of this year when i had that conversation with therese.  we were talking about how, at this age, people have probably already met the love of their lives and, in all likelihood, i will only be someone somebody just settles for.  its not a part im looking forward to take but a part i know il take anyway cos i'm yet too scared to make solitary an option.

she asked me what it was i wanted really.  i thought long and hard before i gave an answer.

"i want to be someone's answered prayer."

that would be nice, wouldn't it?  for someone to thank God every night cos he's sleeping next to you.  i realized right after i said it of course, how more screenplay-ish it sounded than realistic.  makes me wish that i were in a romantic movie instead.

anyways, my top 10 movie quotable love quotes;

1.  As good as it gets, Jack Nicholson -  I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

2.  He said, she said, Kevin Bacon - I dont want to be with anyone else but you and i dont want you to be with anyone else but me.

3.  When a man loves a woman, Andy Garcia - when my wife hurts, i want to say "hi, are you okay?  is there something i can do."  so fuck me.

4.  Say anything, John Cusack (to the dad) - What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.

5.  City of angels, Meg Ryan - When they ask me what I liked best, I'll say it was you.

6.  When harry met sally, Billy Crystal - I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

7.  A beautiful mind, Russell Crowe - I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you.

8.  Sleepless in seattle, Tom Hanks - it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

9.  The princess bride, Cary Elwes - As you wish

9.  Chasing amy, Ben Affleck- I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I could'nt allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitiation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it. there is'nt another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

where have all the zagus gone?

 

i was at the mall with adi two days ago when i suddenly had an unshakable craving for zagu (mocha flavor.)  it was rather odd since i only had it less than 10 times when it grew wild and abundant (very much like my body hair) in the metro.

i was never really a fan of the icy-pearly delights.  i enjoyed it when i had it but i never lined up for it or anything.  In 2001, pop business rolled out the latest bandwagon - and 82% of entrepreneurs with capital jumped in.  Like mushrooms it sprouted.  At any given time, you could find two within a 20-meter radius.  It wasn't a health treat.  Truth be told, it wasnt that fantastic tasting either.  But it was new and it was everywhere so pinoys drank and drank and drank until...........  well.... until they stopped.

and so monday night, when i desperately wanted one, there was none.

10 things i want back from the food industry:

1.  Magnolia chocolait in a bottle - i dont remember much from my childhood but holding, shaking and drinking from a bottle of this one stands out in lights.

2.  Horlicks - are you still out there?

3.  Cola candy

4.  Mushroom burger in makati

5.  the original mojos - none of these cute spud slices devoid of taste

6.  Mcdonalds milk shake - i've read enough archie comics to know that its what goes with burgers and fries.  bring it back.

7.  Lays salt and vinegar potato chips - which is probably still out there, i just cant find it anywhere.

8.  the shawarma fever - about 5 years prior to zagu, there was shawarma with a stand in every street corner to prove it.

9.  lipps candy - the best lipstick on earth

10.  magnolia chocolait in a bottle - deserves mentioning twice

she bangs...

 
i am very afraid.  now that the novelty of having bangs is gone, i imagine im looking more and more like nats.  which isnt necessarily bad, its just not what i want to look like at this fragile state of my life.

keeping the playing field level (aka I LOVE ADI TOO!)

 
i love adi so much i would gladly, willingly and whole-heartedly give up my zinger for him and buy him a couple more for good measure.

sorry trace, i have to be in the race here.

my power of choice (a series initiated by monster)

 
puchasing power. lots and lots of it.  of the eternal, perpetual and evarlasting kind.     

buddha bless me yet again por favor.

love actually

 
i saw this movie six months after it came out in the cinemas.  i had to use my brothers laptop to watch it since our cheapo dvd player, feeling all arrogant and stuff, refuses to play pirated copies.  

my first thought after i saw it was fuck, i have to revise my top ten movie list again. 

hence, my top ten movies

1.  the godfather trilogy 
2.  the lord of the rings trilogy
3.  moulin rouge
4.  shawshank redemption
5.  love actually
6.  usual suspects
7.  beauty and the beast
8.  as good as it gets
9.  best in show
10. steel magnolias

my top ten light love happy-ending movies

1.  love actually (well, except for emma thompson noh)
2.  beauty and the beast
3.  as good as it gets
4.  notting hill
5.  american president
6.  when harry met sally
7.  while you were sleeping 
8.  he said, she said. 
9.  clueless
10.  pretty woman

the alter ego of pleasant

 
its not easy being a willful pollyana.  i've been one for the past ten years or so. 

depression hit me at 18-19, i was an inconsolable wreck for no good and obvious reason.  i had no idea what was up my ass so, naturally, i didn't know how to remedy it.  i would cry at the drop of a pin, in the middle of a volleyball game, anytime, anywhere. 

one morning, before waking up, before i even opened my eyes, tears were already falling in rivers.  that was my rock bottom.

that same day, i vowed to myself never to be miserable again.  happiness, i decided, was in my full control and the only  way to get there was self-delusion.

self-delusion.  i have read the book and written my own interpretation of it.  its what keeps this girl happy. 

you're not stupid or naive.  you see the bad but you dont allow your mind to process it.  you put on your best pair of rose-colored glasses and focus on the good and tell yourself repeatedly that this is the only thing that matters because this is what makes you happy. 

most times, it helps you sleep better at night.

some times, the demons come and you're forced to face them because you're just too tired to fight them off already. 

and in these few moments of weakness, life shoves reality down your throat and bullies you into swallowing it.

and you reach the conclusion, after 29 years of observation and experimentation, that life fundamentally sucks big time. 

living sisyphus

 

when the gods huddled up to deliberate on the punishment of sisyphus,  they didn't think of the plague or death or solitary confinement.  Sisyphus, who blatantly and wantonly betrayed the secrets of the gods, was condemned to roll a mammoth of a rock against a steep hill.  the rock naturally falls back down the other side when it reaches the top and sisyphus has to run to repeat the process, lasting all eternity.

the gods, in all their power, thought no punishment is as cruel and dreadful as futile and hopeless labor.

they have a point.

we toil and we slave and we sweat everyday, giving up a great slab of the precious little time we have on this earth, and for what? 

money? thats what it boils down to eventually.  screw sense of fulfillment.  throw love for the job to the dogs.  at the end of the day, our eyes are focused on one thing - the bottomline.

in wall street, michael douglas said matter of factly that greed is good.  i say it to myself every now and then too if only to put some semblance of reason to my going to work everyday. 

its good to want things.  it drives you.

but drives you to what end?

i hope that sense finds me sooner than senility or death so i can finally fuck making a living and start actually living.

until then though, there is this rock in front of me that i have to push up a hill today.  and tomorrow.  and the day after.....  

5 things i wish i was paid to do for a living:

1.  eat.  with extra pay if i do so compulsively
2.  chat 
3.  judge people
4.  gym
5.  mingle 
   

 

 

uhm waiter, can i have the gangrene to go please?

my little souvenirs from my brief but brutal rendezvous with the rock in rapid #5 are becoming alarmingly bigger and a tinge greener.  They're in my legs and my arms screaming "battery!", "abuse!",  "victim of violence!"

my severe paranoia, backed by empirical evidence of black and blues, is causing me grave panic. 

fear of a deathler of nerves and stuff.  maybe removals of a leg eventually. 

fear! 

ETTI DOES TUGUEGARAO!!!

  
A futile attempt to recount her past 72 hours.  (I suspect this will be long.  Sorry tracy.  But I have to be as detailed as possible for my benefit.  Knowing my memory, I will forget this sooner or later.)
 
Of course she was late
 
Ets being ets tried to pull yet another ‘beam me up scottie’ escape that desperately failed.  What would have been a 5-minute joy ride from hit to SM turned into a 30-minute jam ride that ended with the cab driver politely asking her to vacate his vehicle as his gas gauge was blinking already.  Not his fault.  Stubborn and stupid ets forced some last minute bonding with the chums when she should have been at the mrt station already, as agreed with riya, headed for Annapolis where leslie was to pick them up. 
 
She lies to riya of course and makes up some sorry ‘client called last minute’ excuse which she knows she’s too smart to buy.  (Sorry tita riya, I lie sometimes but I do love you endlessly)
 
45 minutes later than scheduled, ets and riya meet up and hauled ass to the northbound tracks. 
 
This was gonna be a long night.
 
The four missed the 8:00 pm bus (the 4th person being betina.)  This is actually a big deal because the 8 bus was the good bus.  The double decker bus with seats that recline fully.  They had to take the 830 bus, which was still pretty decent compared to others but cramped and dirty nonetheless.
 
An hour into the trip, the flaming hot cheetos was gone, riya and betina were sleeping like lard left out in the cold and leslie was busy fidgeting with her palm doing something academic or text twisting.
 
Left in the dark with nothing to do and no one to talk, ets did what she seldom does.  She sleeps on a road trip.
 
This was gonna be a very long night.
 
Breakfast with anton
 
His reputation preceded him a year too early.  He was suppose to take ets and the kids to an adventure trip post camp last year.  This, due to several reasons which includes an eleven-year-olds broken heart, did not push through.  Riya, along with several other CISV mothers,  said he was absolutely charming, definitely crushable.  Leslie said okay lang.
 
He picked them up from the bus terminal and took them home for breakfast.  Ets decided riya was right.
 
Absolutely charming.  Definitely crushable.
 
Gollum, is that you?
 
“Are you guys fit?” anton asked as they drove to the resort.  The girls kept silent.  Ets was about to say “well as a matter of fact, I gym regularly” when he said “some of the caves you’re gonna climb are really steep so if you’re not fit, you will have a hard time.”  The girls remained silent.
 
Thirty minutes later, dressed in their suits and footed in their mojos, the girls with cute assistant ben headed for the caves.
 
The first was the famous Callao cave.  The trek was easy and the view was magnificent.  A mass was being offered inside the cave at the time. Perfect, ets thought, if I die, a priest is here to send me off to heaven.
 
The second cave was much much more interesting.  Ben stopped in the middle of a cemented road, pointed to a bunch of trees and said we had to go up there.  Where I thought cos there was nothing but a pathless jungle.  There was this.
 
The entrance to the sierra cave was bolted and locked, antons team being one of the few who had a key.  The mouth was a six foot, 80 degree drop below ground level.  Ets stubbed her hand when she held on to a gross-infested rock as she took her first step down.  Her gripping paranoia would later cause her to imagine numbness and nausea.  Death, she thought, was upon her.
 
This cave, unlike the callao, was blanketed in darkness.  Our view of it ended with the beam of our flashlights.  Ets, of course, did not have one and had to rely on the light of others to guide her through (take this to be a metaphor if you wish.) 
 
This trek here was more difficult.   It was apparently, like most caves, a hangout for bats and, incidentally, snakes.  Its darkness, unexpected twists and turns made ets expect to run into shelob at any given time.  In fact, she could almost see gollum and bilbo playing their riddle game for the one ring. 
 
Precious.
 
Adi’s worst nightmare
 
Halfway to the end of the cave, the ground turned from rock solid to gooey mush that left us buried knee deep in putik.  Adi, don’t vomit just yet.  Like a perfectly choreographed dance, the four took turns ungracefully falling into the mud, face or butt first.  Wait, not yet adi.  And in their efforts to save the stalactites which they weren’t allowed to touch, they had to crawl through the mud to get to the exit.  Okay adi, you can puke now. 
 
Strangely enough though and in contrast to adi’s reaction, ets thought this whole scene, given the right company, could be very erotic. 
 
Sick sick ets.
 
Drach’s worst nightmare
 
After spelunking, after lunch, after wading on the river, after a short nap, after a rather insufficient clinic from the great anton, they headed up river (a good hour banca ride) to begin their next adventure:  kayaking.
 
Their task, as they chose and paid to accept it, was to go down river to where they had lunch.  This was not going to be a boat ride in burnham park, they had to pass 9 raging rapids to get back.
 
Ets was doing wonderfully, save for a few boo-boos here and there, until the fatal rapid #5.
 
A rock was smack right in the middle of the waters for crying out load and ets, owing to her female directional skills, kayaked right into it.  She imagines she flew a good two feet.  As she hit the waters, antons words echoed in her head don’t fight the rapids, just relax and let it carry you.  That’s exactly what she did.  except this rock, that was put on this earth solely to bring her misery, apparently fell in love with ets, held on to her shorts and refused to let go. 
 
Playing the rope in nature’s tug of war between rock and water, ets, true to her pinoy heritage, took on a bahala na attitude and waited.  The river finally won the war as it completely tore ets’ shorts apart and freed her from the rocks tight embrace.
 
Her great fear was finally realized, she was now just really in her two-piece bikini in front of several people, many of them strangers.  Fear galore!!! 
 
Unfazed by this, she went back on her kayak, breezed through 3 more rapids until she fell for the second time.  Completely exhausted, ets just hailed a banca to bring her back to shore.
 
This ends her adventure.
 
Ang galing ni God.  Super!
 
We were nestled in the heart of the sierra madres.  Prisoners to the temper of the pinalaokan river.  Here and now, ets was put in her place yet again.  The world does not revolve around her.
 
As they headed back to the resort, the group witnessed the circadian flight of a gazillion bats.  From where they were, they looked like moths headed towards the light.  Five majestic eagles circled above them, swooping down regally every now and then as it claimed its dinner. 
 
Elton John put is so beautifully when he sang It’s the circle of life and it moves us all.
 
God rocks!!!
 
I love the daffodils
 
Sunday was CISVs seminar camp open day.  22 delegates from 11 countries, 1 of which was an Italian goddess, danced to the makapagbagbagdamdamin otso-otso.  The foreigners thought it was our national dance by the way.  Shame.
 
Saw jose again.  I truly truly love this kid.  And I instantly fell in love with his parents too.  The coolest folks I’ve ever met.
 
Other highlights 
 
Food that drove me to orgasm – native longganisa, a concoction of bagoong, onions and tomatoes, vegetable lumpia, bagnet and their version of tikoy.  Oh, and of course, the wine and cheese that was served us grudgingly.
Bus ride home – we did get to ride on that double decked bus on the ride home.  Better.

This lovely elderly couple behind us that restored my faith in endless love.  They were in their 80s and white.  Before they fell asleep, she said nighty night sweet daddy.  He said nightly night sweet mommy. In my head, I saw him kiss her gently on her forehead right before she closed her eyes.
 
Notting hill maybe right after all, some people do spend their lives together. 
  
hay salamat, tapos na to.
 

the delish taste of revenge

it was the smell of sisig that finally did it!!! and i crumbled at its mere sight.
 
yesterday
gerrys grill, subic bay
1300 hrs
lunch
 
i walked in half expecting to be revolted by the smell of frying animal flesh everywhere.  i wasnt.  instead, a gut somewhere inside me did a little somersault as i heard that all too familiar sizzle.  sszzzssszzzz...  
 
aaahhhhhh............ ets is back.
 
forget the company, it was lousy (clients, suppliers and an all-too perky officemate.)  forget the ambience, nothing to write home about.  forget the service, it was mediocre. forget the heat, it was oppressive. 
 
concentrate on only and nothing else but this divine plate of chopped up pieces of babes' snout and entrails in front of you.  take it all in.  the aroma of the perfect mix of onions, chili and whatever secret herbs and spices that made this dish.  see the smoke waft through the air mocking your mind with imaginary shapes and sizes that almost distract you from the chow.... almost.  and that sizzle, lets hear it again... sszzzzssszzzz.    
 
squeeze the kalamansi, sprinkle a little of mr. knorrs seasoning, smother it with a lot of hot sauce and bury the thought of how your hemorrhoids will rebel tomorrow.   don't waste guilt over the 8 pounds you've already lost over the week.  it does not matter now.
 
a feast is before you.  partake.
 
this is dining a la ets.  a gastronomic experience worthy of obesity.  a sensual experience.  maybe even sexual.  sex.  uhm..... (another time, another blog)
 
my prodigal appetite has finally returned.  
 
welcome back. come in.  i've missed you so.  

a perk and lots of wants

one of the perks of this job, that i unfortunately love, is waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00 in the am just so i can make it right in time for a 30-minute meeting in subic at 10:00 am.

i hope we can manage to squeeze in some shopping before heading back. i hope i get to buy 2 flaming hot cheetos for my trip to tuguegarao tomorrow. i hope we eat someplace nice. i hope this new photographer is not crappy. i hope i dont die of boredom listening to a customer talk about shipping stuff through fedex. i hope my writer gets here quick so we can move our asses already less we want to be late for this 10am meeting that i woke up at 5am for.

oh well.....

buddha bless me

as a general rule, i try to be zen about life and detach myself from material things. but these are things that i absolutely must have before i turn 40 or die, whichever comes first.

1. a range rover
2. kitchen aid
3. big-ass tv (really big)
4. a beach house (preferably in boracay)
5. country club membership in baguio country club
6. a time deposit account
7. GODFATHER trilogy dvd

oh my God, i think thats it. i thought i would at least have ten items there but thats really it.

anyway, speaking of lists (by the way dodo, i also love making lists and so do all my friends), here are some i just completed recently.

things to do before i turn 30 (march 8, 2005):

1. get a drivers license
2. get a new passport
3. wear a bikini in boracay
4. wear a tube dress on new years eve(fear)
5. complete one, just one, spinning class
6. total body wax (leave no prisoners behind)
7. get bangs (just thought of this recently when i saw it on jennifer aniston)
8. cook a complete thanksgiving dinner
9. walk into a restaurant and order anything i want without even looking at the price
10. k-hole

my top 10 fuckable celebrities (sarap):

1. hugh grant
2. andy garcia
3. matt damon
4. brad pitt
5. johnny depp
6. olivier martinez
7. Scott speedman
8. Colin Firth
9. Bono
10. colin farrell

ten things i want to change in my body:

1. remove (complete and total annihilation) all body and facial hair. leave only hair on head and eyebrows. and of course, your basic nosehair cos we need that i hear.
2. minimize pores
3. stretch marks be gone
4. lengthen legs
5. resize breasts (a little smaller)
6. resize hips (a lot smaller)
7. widows peak (i want one)
8. wavy hair na hindi magulo tingnan (like your typical guess model)
9. whiter and even teeth
10. remove hemorrhoids (seriously, is this something to be ashamed about ba? parang, to my think, hindi naman.

Five chicks i would have sex with:

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Angelina Jolie
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Angelina Jolie

tits, ass and a substantial measure of gray matter

these, im told, in the right proportions mind you, is what make a girl desirable. In the ideal, the first two shouldn’t matter. After all, one sags and the other gets bigger over time. The third should be a non-negotiable. But, unfortunately, it most often isn’t. Men, I’ve observed, have a knack for projecting themselves to be a little less superficial than they actually are.

Don’t get me wrong, Im not singling out men. Women are the same way, except we come out more believable because we do it while batting our eyelashes.

People are intrinsically superficial. That is basically my thesis for today. And please don’t take this to be derogatory in any way, manner or form. It just means that were making good use of the senses God has given us, five if I remember correctly.

It would unquestionably result in a better, happier world if people readily come with a manual and a compatibility test kit so we don’t waste precious time figuring them out and trying to mesh together. As it is though, all we pick-up from the get-go is what we see. And unfortunately, our desire to get to know someone on a deeper, more intellectual level is dictated by the physical.

Which isn’t to say that only the beautiful get a chance at true love. Beauty, its been said, lies on the beholder. And trite as it may sound, nothing could be more true.

You see, beauty is not a monopoly. It is not exclusive to the blonde, or the blue-eyed or the sexy. Everybody has it, however deeply buried it is under their flaws. The problem is not the lack of it, the problem is finding someone who sees it.

MY ANTI-THESIS

no matter how intrinsically superficial people are, they are also capable of being unfathomably deep. Capable of the purest and the most absolute of loves, if it comes, if it is recognized.

just when you've given up on people....

... they pull a rabbit from a hat and surprise you by actually having fun on a night out with the chums.

bachii turned 30 last night at a place called blue frog in malate. The wine was really good. The tahong dish was like amazing foreplay - really really delicious but not quite orgasmic.

the conversation flowed abundantly, from father issues to nivs flavors to stories of ecstasy.

it was a great fun night.

of course it deprived me of gym and blow-dry this morning but the trade-off was pretty fair.

i mean, he didn't look at all like he wanted to go home :)and that by itself was worth the trip back to 1995 when going to malate was still cool :)

The 4 of us…

Its almost silly how the simplest things can bring me the most profound joy. I’m gifted that way. Forget talent or skill, God looked at me and decided to give me more reasons to smile, if only to show the world how absolutely breathtaking my smile is.

Like the yosi break I had with vince kanina.

The fact that we don’t have that everyday anymore makes every puff even more, well, worth puffing.

Together, vince and I make up the better half (ey vince?) of a notorious quartet known, and consistently memo-ed, for our propensity to take our breaks rather excessively. Well, that and other attitude problems. I maintain though, for the record, that a two-hour coffee break is hardly excessive. This is not a shot of tequila people, you don’t just lick, shoot and suck. You sit down and stir and have a good conversation.

We were a good mix, the four of us. There’s the turbaned one, the long-haired one, the haute-coutured one, and this adorable chick with a broken heart and a fabulous smile.

Well, only a quarter remains of this quartet. Three have left in search of a less oppressive life. Good for them. I hope they all find it.

But, for my sanitys sake, sana they visit naman more often. Even if its just for one cigarette.

things that make me go 'awwww!!!'

1. my daily dosage of hugs from dodo - its my safe place these days.
2. the sight of my mom watching guada sleep
3. slugger with his head propped up on the bed
4. kids who seem to find me amusing
5. the world on a rainy day


i am obviously so very bored and very much uninspired.

dazed and absolutely confused

all i had to eat yesterday was a Zinger meal at 5pm. no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner. just Zinger at 5pm.

today, at 11:04 am, i am still not thinking about lunch. what to have for lunch is usually the first thing i think of in the morning and i have not thought of it yet at 11:04 am.

Bizarro el mundo!!!

and im not on a diet, i just have no gana to eat.

has my mothers prayer finally been answered?

Am i finally full?

sino ang nanay mo?

an amusing thing happened to me the other day on a cab ride from the gym to the office.

the cab driver kept glancing at me from the rear view mirror every 13 seconds. Finally unable to contain his curiousity, he turns around to look at me right before the turn to paseo and asked me the oddest question i've been asked yet.

"Miss, ano ang tatay mo?"

Before i could process his question, a voice from the past echoed in my head...

"sino ang nanay mo?!? ano ang pangalan mo?!? no the finger, no the finger, yes the finger."

i love cab rides!

apparently....

... white-water rafting is not a ride. you dont just ride the raft, buckle-up, wag your arms in the air and wwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! your lungs out.

evidently, it can be dangerous or even, gasp, deadly!

damn it!!! there's my pothole on the road to tuguegarao.

was reading up on some of the information on the net on white-water rafting in cagayan valley, particularly in chico river, where the rapids in some parts are classified as level 5 rafting. im not really sure what that means but 5 is a pretty high number if you're not even a zero(shivers.)

was on the brink of backing out. i maybe a piscean but water is definitely not my element. Im what you call a psychological swimmer. I technically know how to swim, except i cant when i know that my feet cant reach the ground anymore.

Plus, it is gonna cost me some. actually a lot. and lord knows i have no business spending money i barely have.

so it seems like all signs are pointing to "NO! are you out of your mind?!?" right?

but here is the but.

Mamu (oh ye wise one) told me in December of 03 to, instead of making a list, just think of a word that should be your, uhm, battlecry for the new year. the neon sign that should guide you in most of the decisions you make for the year.

Mine is ADVENTURE.

so i suppose thats that.

And besides, whats the alternative if i dont go? same old same old right?

enough with the old. herald in the new. push my limits. live a little. and whatever other go!-go! cliche' is out there.

Im going. Yeah, i think im definitely going.

Please God don't let me die or lose any of my teeth. please please.

highlights from a phone conversation with tracy

Tracy calls ets

Tracy: ets, kung lalaki ka sino sa mga babae sa chums ang pakakasalan mo?

Ets: ako!

Tracy: Ha!!! eh hindi ka nga mamimigay ng Zinger noh!

Ets: so what! Sana im fun noh!

Tracy: ang kapal. you wont give up nga you're Zinger for your husband noh! you told me that before.

Ets: you know what, this sacrifice thing is really overrated ha. God sana its my Zinger noh. if he wants one, e di he buys one.

Eh if you're sad, will a Zinger make you happy ha? NO!!! I will make you happy because i am fun!

Tracy: Thats true... sige, il marry you na rin.

Ets: Okay, you're my number 2 also.

Later that night, ets calls tracy

Ets: Tracy, i will not nalang marry me

Tracy: why?

Ets: i saw naman myself in the mirror eh and im really very fattie. I dont want na.

Ets' thought bubble: maybe if you learn to share the damned Zinger, you wouldn't be such a fattie!

the usual suspects

too much sleep, too little sleep, carrying a heavy bag, bright lights, cheese, chocolate, coffee, noise, slouching, lying down, oily food, neck strain, dust, overpowering perfume.

which of these fuckers triggered my migraine today?

my godfather

I wasn’t very close to my father growing up. I don’t remember him being around most of the time. And when he was, I was scared of him more than anything else.

But what life deprived me, literature and film made up for.

Vito Corleone was and remains to be the formidable father figure in my life.

And to the man who played him brilliantly, thank you. sleep soundly with the fishes.

life isn't fair

Or maybe its too fair.

Taking as it gives.
Hurting as it heals.

I’ve never been a good student.
Or perhaps life hasn’t been a good teacher.

Eitherway, I am where I am.

In a rut.

Again.

loving gays peeps.... lovin em

not that im on a mission to talk about the fabulous third sex but im just really constantly amazed at how everything they touch, no matter how conceptually vomit-inducing to the straight, magically turns into something cool.

Cool: went to dance class this morning taught by this high-strung gay man who sort of reminded me of angelo. we got down with justin timberlake, shook our booties to criss cross' jump around, showed off our latin groove to a gypsy kings medley. great fun!

Cooler: the cool down... ah the last stretch before you finally pat yourself in the back for a good workout. He turns up the stereo and we hear the beautiful voice, a capella first of course, of the divine miss whitney and her soulful rendition of i will always love you.

Coolest: He lets us sing along with the diva througout the entire song !!!!

Drawback: now suffering from a bad case of LSS

...and i will always love you ooohhh
will always love you

priests and pedophilia

why is it that almost all reported cases of sexual molestations and transgressions committed by priests or other members of the clergy are committed against boys, very seldom girls?

is it a valid, albeit a bigoted, assumption that homosexuals have found a sanctuary in the church to carry out their perversions?

if so, was part of the attraction to be a man of the cloak the right to wear a dress without inviting judgment?

hmmmmm.... i think il do some research.

ets' addiction

Oh and also, one of the reasons why yesterday was not so peachy was because it was blogless.

No thanks to this internet card that, like everything and everyone else in my life, ran out on me just when i needed it most.

a little more obvious ets, i think a monk in tibet didn't recognize that cry for help.

Moving on.....

I absolutely, positively love this site. Almost as much as food and chatting.

This is, thus far, dodos and vinces greatest contribution to my life. Outside their friendship of course.

Thank you boys for dealing me this drug.

I am officially hooked.

let this weekend please end

what i dont understand is every weekday all i do is mope and whine and bitch about all the things that have to be done and then pray for the weekend to come as quick as it can. And when it finally gets here (actually about to leave again in about fifteen hours), i have no friggin clue what to do with it.

Yesterday was spectacularly uneventful for me. Convicts in isolation had probably accomplished more. Hell, people in a coma probably had more fun.

i did see 'love actually' again. That could very well be the highlight of my weekend.

Saw 50 first dates also which made me realize two things:

One is if an adam sandler flick can make me cry then i maybe in a more pathetic state than i care to admit.

And two is that drew barrymore is every bit as adorable as i am. Good for her! (humility is not exactly my best virtue)

Also saw honey. lets not even waste time talking about that.

and then came what usually is the most difficult part of my day. Unlike joel, i cant rely on prescription medication to let the zzzzzs in because, well.... because i have none. So what science cant deliver, the subconscious usually rams in.

First, not so happy thoughts that i consciously try to fight off during the day creeps in and knocks me down numb.

Then followed by thoughts of what-ifs and what could be's that eventually bore me to sleep.

This has been my two-step road to REM for the past years.

Does not exactly result in the soundest of sleeps.

Anyway, the next two weekends will probably not be as bad. Tracy's birthday salubong is on friday. And saturday i go to laguna for the village open day. Cant wait to see the kids again. One of whom is this absolutely brilliant and beautiful girl named hannah who said to me one time during practice "tita maite, tita mitzi tried to do the moose song but she didnt do it as well as you did." Hay..... i love the honesty of children.

And the weekend following is my tuguegarao trip with riya and leslie when i attempt to conquer my fear of death and drowning by literally testing the waters of cagayan valley. Will be kayaking and white water rafting. cool huh? I hope to God i wont be having my period yet then. or that it would be over by then.

I think its my curse to bleed on special gigs. Probably some ritualistic rite of passage dictated by my unconscious to my body.

ah well.... such is.

the one with the goodbyes

i had to say goodbye to six of my most precious friends last night. People I've known and loved for the past ten years.

They were always there to lift me up from whatever pit-of-the-month i found myself in. They were always ready to make me laugh and they never failed to make me appreciate how fun life can be.

They kept me company through all those long-sleepless nights when no one else would and kept me smiling through some of the toughest times in my life.

i miss them already.

i will love them all always.

goodbye chandler.
goodbye rachel.
goodbye phoebe.
goodbye ross.
goobdye joey.
goodbye monica.

dawn

It’s my favorite time.
Those last 15 minutes before the sun wakes the new day.
You see it if you look closely.
I do.
The night struggling to keep dominion over the skies.
Losing... but trying, fighting
until light finally, quietly takes over.
Such power and grace,
pride and peace all at once.
Its my God’s masterpiece.
His genius at its best.

And I haven’t seen one in 4 and a half years.

The last time I saw the sunrise was December 31, 1999. The last dawn before the millennium. Sitting at our garden with a journal in one hand and a pen in the other, I watched in awe, in fear, in sadness, in complete and sublime happiness. Such beauty… I’m not worthy. No one is.

Only one other thing can affect me that way. And I haven’t done that too in a long time.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll watch the sunrise again.

Maybe someday I’ll fall in love again.