My feelings about feelings

I just recently realized that I’m not at all comfortable having feelings. I mean I love to talk and I’m vocal about my opinions and my theories and I have no problems sharing them with anybody but feelings are an entirely different thing. I hide it, deny it, bottle it or pretend they’re something other than what they are. I don’t like being afraid or vulnerable or ridiculously happy or hopeful. When I start feeling these things a part of my brain turns around and runs to the opposite direction.

I envy people who can easily talk about their feelings. They walk in a room, sit down and casually, and some inarticulately, deliver a monologue of feelings both so complex and silly it deserves a sit-down with Oprah. And I listen amused, entertained and, yes, envious.

I am not made like that.

Apparently, I can only talk about my feelings when I’ve already detached myself from them. And talking about feelings you’ve already detached yourself from is as insane as thinking about wearing a shirt you’ve already given away.

The other night I had devastating news. I couldn’t talk about it until I was sure I could without breaking down. I’m afraid that if I give in to the fear, the universe will really act on it. So I allow myself to shrug off the severity of what I feel because acknowledging it would just be risking too much.

And so, I therefore conclude that I don’t like having feelings.

Hi. Just wanted to say a few things about...

Mafia Politics

A certain political leader of a major city in Mindanao made public a list that contained several names of known criminals in his territory. He gave them 15 days to get out of his town or else... All of them left. One came back. He was shot dead the day he did.

This city is known to be the most progressive and peaceful in the area.

I don’t know what surprises me more – that he did what he did or that it works.


The future of my country

The only thing that’s worse than me saying that the future of this country looks dismal is me knowing that I’m an optimist. That that’s the glass half full perspective because some say this country has no future at all.

Lotto mentality

Winning the lotto should never be plan A.

And Wowowee sure as hell isn’t plan B.


Heroes

I grew up to stories of real men and women who walked to school in worn-out slippers and tattered shirts to give themselves an education and who now run successful businesses and live in mansions.

Will our children have the same stories to tell their children?

We need more heroes.

November 30 - December 2

I'm going home :)

Today,

I woke up in a world where a convicted plunderer walks a free man.

THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER!

Been waiting for the perfect time to say that and here it finally is!

I feel invincible. I feel almighty. I feel immortal.

I am driving on a highway and the only thing ahead is a magical world of endless posibilidades!

WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

Okay, seriously.

It’s been a little over a month since I got back from my radical sabbatical. I have since done the following;

Benevolently reclaimed my room. My grandma moved in while I was away and moved out when I got back. I did not ask her to. She graciously did so. And I never could say no to her.

Went back to work. In the same old place with the same old job wearing the same old clothes… except it feels absolutely new. Here’s the deal – I left a miserable job in march and came back to a promising career in october. See the power of semantics.

Made friends with the roads and the cars again. You know in shawshank redemption when a very terrified Brooks, after thousands of years in prison, was trying to cross the car infested streets. That was ets in makati av a month ago. Now, I’m back to being the fearless pedestrian that I truly am.

Regained a few pounds. 8 to be exact from the time my plane landed til Sunday morning. I’m getting back on track though. With my no carbs after six and the hip hop abs on the way, I’ll be back to just being deliciously plump from grotesquely overweight in no time.

Reconfigured my formula for happiness. I always thought that the key to happiness is finding the thing that will make me truly happy. Well, as it turns out, there are 3 billion and 84 things I can do and I can try one different thing every day and still not live long enough to get to that ONE thing that will make me happy. I have decided not to live like that anymore. I am reversing it. Cos there is already something I am doing right now and I will find my happiness doing it RIGHT NOW.

Re-chumming myself. Well first thing that needed done was fix that nonsense with Adi. Actually that’s the only thing that needed doing. I love me chums. It's not the same of course. We're hardly complete anymore but I believe that chums is more than a collection of people. It has its own separate identity. It is a, or maybe even the, spirit of fun and good times. And just like God, when 2 or 3 are gathered in its name, there is chums in the midst of them.

Sowed the seeds of good food. In the middle of figuring everything out. But when its all done… well I actually don’t think I’m at liberty to talk about it just yet so let this suffice until I can – ours will be building more than just a house.

See why I’m flying - there’s an oyster on my plate. It’s fresh, juicy and delicious. And more importantly, its all mine!

and the countdown begins...

i'll be home in 18 days. God. 18. That's nothing. Its three episodes of heroes. three trips to church. 1 friggin payday.

I am so excited. Sooooooo excited. So excited i wake up giddy every morning. Absolutely giddy. Now theres a word I hardly ever use but I'm using it now because thats exactly how I wake up every morning. Gi-effing-ddy!!!!

I cant wait to see my mama and papa. Cant wait to eat my sister's adobo. cant wait to hug michael. cant wait to listen to bobs jokes. cant wait to eat anything with pats. cant wait to shout at my lola (she's kinda deaf as most old people are). cant wait to hear slugger bark again.

And to have friends!!! by god how wonderful to have friends again.

And yet... (well of course may and yet, ganyan ang life eh, parang coin, may two sides)

I'm sure I will miss this place i have grudginly called home these past months. I will miss the independence, the solitude, the walks (with or without a flashlight), the dogs, the tricyles, the motorbikes, my veranda. I think I'll even miss doing the laundry.

I love this place. I think a small part of me will always think of this place as a sanctuary. A place i can run to to find some peace, some balance. But as sure as I was six months ago of moving, I'm just as sure now of leaving. And I'm happy to say that I do so still in love with the place.

Everytime I see the beach, everytime i watch the sunset, everytime i step in the water, I still find myself in complete awe. How beautiful naman talaga this place. I mean I know people who've been to the maldives will probably laugh at me for thinking this is paradise noh but to them i say "eh i havent been to the maldives eh. why ba?"

Anyway, while I am so excited about going home, Im also a wee bit scawed.

And I dont know what scares me the most actually - that things have changed too much or that they have not at all.

QUOTE, UNQUOTE

"I don't care if you get mad at me or if your fans get mad at me. I will tell you the truth to help you get better. I will tell you what you need to hear to make your dreams come true. I will sacrifice myself.... for you."

- said a very serious Tyra Banks to her supermodel hopefuls.

YEEEESSSSSSS!!!!! HUY! MAG HULOSDILI KA TY. HINDI MO PASAN ANG WORLD. WAG KANG MAGPAKA HERO EFFECT.

"(someone or other from some band) is a very good compositionist."

- said VJ heart evangelista on myx

I KNOW I'VE BEEN LIVING IN A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CALL ME MIGHTY BUT WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MORE OBVIOUS AND UNDOUBTEDLY MORE POPULAR, MORE CORRECT 'COMPOSER.'

"A rich person is not someone who has more but someone who needs less."

- some anonymous email

I REALLY REALLY BELIEVE THAT. OR WANT TO.

"SUPPLIES!!!" yelled the excited chinese man....

I have to say, Leoy's weekend surprise visit is easily one of my favorite boracay moments.

I was talking about the ayurvedic ingredients of one of our treatments to a couple of koreans when, from the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar tall and lanky :-) figure approaching. I look up and there he was, LEOYAUC!!! I really just left the two pikis and let out a very 22 thousand decibel "eeeeeeeh!!!"

My geads, hindi ko kinaya yon.

So we had merienda and I made him and fool try my favorite ginger slush and then I met up with them that night to enjoy his pasalubong for me :-) FUN FUN FUN. except, labas ng labas. pero chikka na rin.

The following day, they were slathered with papaya-pineapple jam all over and covered in banana leaves. hee hee. they did not enjoy that. And then he treated me to dinner because he said I'm poor. (for the record, I am not, was never, will never be poor. okay universe?)

The next day, we ate much tinapa at palomaria. And then he left and i cried like a baby to tracy. To quote a very sobbing ets "I'm always nalang left behind...huhuhuhu"

anyway, It was all so fun.

Tomorrow, tracy will be here naman. Woooo hoooo!!! i cant wait to talk to her face to face.

i am soh very bored

Dear Manila,

Greetings from the island paradise of Boracay! It's only been two weeks since I've seen you last and already I miss your smog and your traffic and your krispy kreme. Anyway, I just thought I'd write to you a little about this small provincial place that I've left you for.

Its been a little over four months since I've moved here and I think, by virtue of the number of choriburgers I've eaten and the motorbike rides I've taken, I have earned the right to call myself a local. As such, I've noticed a couple of things that might have escaped the eye of the many tourists that come visit and I feel duty bound to report them to you para hindi ka masyadong mainsecure na parang mas mahal ng tao tong islang eto kesa sa syudad mo.

1. Gas stations. There are no neon lights, no treats or selects, no gas pumps here. What we have are nipa huts that line the road with different sizes of coca cola bottles filled with pink gasoline. As your tricycle pulls up, a helpful attendant in shorts and sando (sometimes) rushes to greet you and take your order. Your driver chooses between the one liter, 1.5 or 2 (it also comes in sakto sizes for the poor) and your eager attendant gets the order, opens your gas tank and fills it up. Miski hindi high tech, full service pa rin po naman. So okay na rin.

2. Safety is not cool. Especially not when you're riding the motor. Please note that it is not cool to hold on to the driver (and also very gross). You just hold on to the thin metal thing at the back with one hand and pretend you dont care that the driver is probably violating 24 safety violations. And you know, just yesterday, I rode the tricycle with 8 other people. Can you imagine cramming 9 bodies into a 1.5 meters by 1 meter piece of rusting metal running 20kph?

3. paranaque is to taxi drivers what angol is to tricycle drivers. Paranaque is where i live in the city and taxi drivers avoid it like the plague. Angol is where i live here and tricycle drivers avoid it like the plague. What the fuck man?!?

Anyway, I dreamt of you again last night. You're airport has drive-through ticket sale booths na raw. I wouldn't be surprised if thats true. You have immense potential manila. yuck.

Anyway, i miss you and I will see you soon.

Love,
ettie

P.S.

Ilan beses na kitang iniwan
Nilayasan at ibang pinuntahan.....

"HINDI KAMI HEAVY!" - ETS, GI (isang pagsasaulat ni Mike Enriquez)

Boracay, Philippines, June 14, 2007 --- Mistulang mga butanding sa mata ng iba, taas noong ikinaila ng magkaibigang gigi at ettie ang kumakalat na balitang sila raw ay heavy. Ika ng dalawa na sila umanoy magagaang... kasama.

Ani ni ettie na sa isang buwang pagsasama ng dalawang halos araw araw sa boracay ay naging maaliwalas at masaya ang bawat sandali. Hindi raw katulad ng kamakailan lang nasirang relasyon nila ruffa at ylmas. Wala naman raw naganap na tutukan ng baril, pangunguryente o pagmomodelo kay ricky reyes sa kanilang relasyon.

Ang pinakamahirap na raw na addyasments ni ettie ay ang pagtulog ng alas otso, samantalang kay gigi naman ay ang hindi pagsara ni ettie ng ilaw sa banyo kahit wala nang gagamit nito.



***

Tomorrow, the only family I have in Boracay is leaving na. Pity naman ets. Babay mare.

Tagged!

Tagged! This is what you are supposed to do. Cut and paste if you decide to participate in the tagging game.

Each player of this game starts off by giving six weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own six weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names.

After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog.


1. I am a morbid person.

When people are late or when they're not where they're supposed to be, my first thought is always "My god they've died." When i was in high school, my parents promised that they'd be home by 12 so when they still weren't home at 1, I started crying cos I thought something horrible had happened. So i called Makati Medical to ask if someone had brought in marivic and mari. And then one time naman, the asshole went to malate with friends and I couldnt reach him from 11pm til 3pm. Off ang cellphone. So ang thoughts ko imbes na typical selosa chick na fuck nagloloko to, "oh my god he's dead." So i cry and cry and really was just waiting for his ghost to come to my bed and kiss me goodbye.

2. I was absolutely against me carrying take-out food in public places in 2002.

I knew that people will stop and stare and say "kaya pala." So when I absolutely had to, I walked as fast as I could praying that people wont see. But the truth is, when you're 205 pounds, people see.

3. My greatest fear is losing my teeth.

Okay, maybe its only second to death, but it scares the shit out of me. One time I was 'drunk' and I fell and hit my head on the floor, the first thing i did was run to the bathroom and check if I still had all of my teeth.


4. I can invent memories. Or steal them. Or have other people invent them for me.

bad memory plus vivid imagination equals;

a. Ets claiming experiences to be her own when it "allegedly" happened to someone else pala.
b. Sister making ets believe that she did something she didnt just so sister and middle child brother can laugh behind her back
c. Ets suddenly getting mad at someone because he did something bad to her so she doesn't speak to him for days only to realize later that he only did it IN HER HEAD.
d. All of the above

5. I can make uu at will. And I love it.

When I'm bored, or when I need to kill some time, or when i just want some quiet time, I go to the banyo anytime, anywhere, and make uu. And it is one of the most satisfying thing for me.

6. I had a secret wedding with Mar Roxas.

I spent a good hour of my life daydreaming about marrying Mar Roxas once. From the proposal, to the headlines, to the argument we had because he was insisting that I should make Gaita Fores a bridesmaid, it was a daydream that really took off on its own and ended with me by his side as he takes his oath to be president of the country.


_________________

I tag jenni, dodo, vince, irene, therese, and you whoever you are

Sabi ni brad kay angelina

"I find you in the morning sky, in the sound of children's laughter, in the motion of every stirring wind. I love you."

My geads. kaya ko yon ah.

When you're standing still,

you are neither chained to a past nor bound to a future.

You are just exactly where you are.

And sometimes, where you are is exactly where you're supposed to be.

promise hindi ako sabog. thoughts ko lang to while yoga-ing the other day.

Pats, my alcoholic brother,

was here for 4 short days.

We both cried when he left.

I miss my family terribly.

Even slugger.

Sana. Pero hindi.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

My Life in Bullets

- Since I've last blogged, I've been on an emotional roller coaster that, thankfully, has had more ups than downs. The biggest cause of "wooooo hooooooo" of course was the long-awaited chums visit that turned out to be one of the funnest chumsperiences ever.

- The funniest moment from this trip for me involves a very sober gigi parading around the room half naked in front of everybody. I wish I had her confidence sometimes.

- My favorite memory is saturday happy hour at nigi nigi with all my chums present and happy and very very drunk.

- Despite popular opinion, I enjoy tracy just as much as I do adi.

- Gigi has officially moved in. She just got the sweetest deal and although i'm a teeny bit envious, I am oh so happy for her. I cant wait to see her in action. I plan to shadow her on my next dayoff and eat much and much for free.

- Pats is coming! wooo hooo!!! i'm so excited to have family around you have no idea. And he's bringing all the heroes eps that I've missed.

- I moved out of gigi's place today. Figured she needs to experience the island by herself for a while. So i'm going back to my crappy little room which i sorta kinda miss. I'm just scared that the heat will kill me since I've been sleeping with airconditioning for the past ten days. Bahala na. At least I can keep the volume of the tv on audible levels again.

- I've been restless at work again. I dont like the fact that I seem to have become the kind of person who's never happy with what they have. This is so anti-ets. But I think a big part of this journey to self discovery that I'm on is learning to take chances and do whats best for me despite who gets affected. I mean, ika nga ni tracy, madami na akong pinalungkot sa pagpunta ko dito eh ngayon pa ba ako prepreno (or something to that effect.)

- Okay, there was just this litlle korean man who passed by with the funniest looking hat. hay... koreans. God bless them talaga.

- I love monica. I realized last night that she is my bowl of soup in this island.

- For the first time since I got here, I missed manila today. I miss being able to ride in cars and just watch people hurry off like rats to be somewhere else. Kanina I imagined I was in a cab in shaw boulevard (bakit diba? hindi ko rin alam) waiting for the red light to turn green. I miss tall buildings and malls and supermarkets. I miss the mrt and kfc and movies.

- Wise people do stupid things. That's just how it is. Hows that na?

- I miss my mommie soooo much. I want to go home to hug her miski one second lang and then I can come back here again na.

No judgments, just an honest question: can happiness outrun karma?

His wife left with their two boys, the youngest being only 3 months old. She made him choose and he chose. Happiness won. It won over family.

Now he walks the beach with the woman he's been passionately in love with for the past 6 months. And you can tell from the smile on his face that he lives with his choice with no regret, no guilt, no remorse.

Sabi ni deesj...

... that she was looking at our pictures from new years and it hit her that I dont live in Manila anymore and that it's so weird because people are already getting used to not having me around.

I've been suspecting as much. I've been expecting it really. And although i never really thought that life would actually stand still while waiting for my return, hearing it breaks my heart a little. okay a lot.

oh well.

Life with adi....

... is just better in ways i will not even try to attempt to explain. But you can ask anyone who knows him and they will understand exactly what i mean.

Everything just looks better, and feels better, and tastes better, and smells better, and sounds better.

And when he's gone, the world is just... duller.

world - adi = dull

ets world = dull

We meet, we part, sometimes we remember remember remember...

-- the holmes brothers

Exactly at a time when we think we've forgotten already too. It's amazing how our subconscious makes us remember - waking us up at four in the morning fighting back tears, struggling for air.

So now that we're standing exactly where we are, do we keep the promise we made long ago or do we just fuck it all to hell?

Today is a good day

April 1, 2007

Today, I got two wonderful things;

1. Friends - thanks to erm and papi who were fabulous company

2. Cable

What more can a girl want?

Like the deserts miss the rain

There are so many things you take for granted when you know its readily available anytime you need or want them.

Like...

movie theaters
krispy kreme
cibo
cars
airconditioning
malls
fastfood
pets
friends
chums
family

Not too shabby for ettie. Not too shabby at all.

Yesterday

I woke up feeling wonderful, despite the 9pm-4am brownout that kept me company during the night. My arms, my stomach and my shoulders were still sore from the free yoga session I took the night before (my comeback session after 4 months of being inactive,) but my spirits were soaring. I decided to take advantage of my morning since I did not have work until after lunch. So I took a walk. I took a VERY long walk. From one end of the beach to the other and back again. I was quite burnt after and VERY dehydrated since I forgot to bring water. But it was fantastic.

I ended the day with an all natural facial from the best spa in the Island for free because its my job to know all their treatments.

Today

I spent the morning basking in the sun and taking a dip in the beach after. My first dip since I got here.

I ended it with a body scrub and a massage from the best spa in the Island for free because its my job to know all their treatments.


Recap

I get free yoga sessions.
I spend my mornings in the beach.
I end my days with facials and massages from the best spa in the Island for free because its my job to know all their treatments.

I could get used to this.

My goal here

I have to be honest, it's been really rough. I've always been surrounded by people all my life (being popular and all) and then suddenly, I find myself alone. Eating out alone, having coffee alone, walking around alone. But I am getting used to it. Now, I only fight back tears half the time I used to.

Anyway, there are two things I've come to accept since I got here.

1. There can only be one group that I can call CHUMS. I've always known this but it has never hit home until now. I never came here with the intention of replacing them. I knew that would be impossible. But I thought that I could build friendships that would at least have half the fun. Now, I am just willing to settle for company sometimes.

2. I am slowly beginning to be okay with that. I always thought that this experience would be more of a journey to self-discovery more than it would be a party. So my goal now is not to stop eating out alone or having coffe alone and walking around alone. What I want now is to be able to do all of these things and be able to do them happily.

There is a hawaiian or polynesian saying that goes "YOU ARE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR." So in the next __ months, I will get to know myself, appreciate myself, and celebrate myself.

I say "I LOVE MYSELF" all the time. Now, I actually have to mean it.

*****

I just want to say that I LOVE MY CHUMS!!! and i miss all of you very much. Please visit me na.

The Gratitude Attitude

I spent my 32nd birthday alone. I've never done that before. But, because of the following people, I didn't feel alone at all;

Thank you to the following (in chronological order)

My family (mom, papa, guada, pats, bob and michael) for being the first people, as usual, to greet me.

Jenni and claude, who greeted me even before the 8th. Although claude actually thought my birthday was the 7th. hee.

Riya who was the first to text me at 12 midnight.

Gwen who was a very close second.

Drach who was the first to call and sing me the birthday song.

Gigi who called only in the morning only because her she slept through her alarm.

An unidentified number who said "happy birthday beautiful"

Tim who texted first to greet me happy womens day and then happy birthday after i hinted ever so subtly "happy birthday maite is an appropriate greeting for me too today you know."

Therese who, I'm assuming, is responsible for telling the folks at CISV to greet me. And the folks at CISV who greeted me sunod sunod kaya obvious.

Vince for remembering to greet me on time even when i greeted him a day after his.

Dodo for blogging about me before he even found out about my birthday.

Tracy, Adi and Mamu who had to be reminded (by me) to greet me.

Joel who, despite the reminder, didnt.

Deesj for talking to me during dinner through text.

Ruth for talking to me during coffee through text.

Niv who called to tell me that it was Robert Jaworski's and Carlito Lim's birthday. Hahahahahah. I swear we do this every year.

Monster who greeted me belatedly (im pretty sure i invented this word) today.

And everybody else who did, you know who you are (yuck, showbiz), thanks thanks thanks.

It really brought home closer to this island.

Boracay

After all the planning, all the praying, all the fighting with mom, I am finally here.

Except I'm really not here.

I haven't been out on the beach for a swim.
I haven't had a coffee shake at jonas.
No sunsets at Fridays.
No pesto omelette at real coffee.
No friends.
No chums.
No pats and guada.

Just the island - stripped off most of the things i love her for.

Let's just see where this goes.

No promises. No commitments.

Pulling a Houdini

It's an escape too.

In fact, maybe more than it is anything else, it's an escape --- from places, from people, from memories, from situations I want to get out of.

Because I want a fresh start. Because I need to feel better about myself. Because I deserve so much more than this.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

When tony bennett and sting get together to sing one of the saddest songs i've ever heard, even one that has funny words like boulevard and gigolette, you just really want to cry.

sometimes, life is just sad.


I walk along the street of sorrow -
The boulevard of broken dreams -
Where Gigolo and Gigolette -
Can take a kiss without regret -
and so forget their broken dreams.

You laugh today and cry tomorrow -
When you behold your shattered schemes -
And Gigolo and Gigolette wake up to find
their eyes are wet with tears that tell of
broken dreams

Here is where you'll always find me -
Always walking up and down -
But I left my soul behind me
in an old cathedral town

The joy that you find here, you borrow -
You cannot keep it long it seems -
But Gigolo and Gigolette -
Still sing a song and dance along -
The boulevard of broken dreams.

C.I.D.

Two days after it officially took effect, I finally turned in my resignation letter two hours ago.

Dear Sir,

This is to tender my resignation effective February 28, 2007.

I have been with CID for over 6 years now and I can sincerely say that this company has been more than just a place of business for me. In my favorite movie ‘The Godfather’, a line was drawn between what is business and what is personal and how the two can never, or perhaps should never, be confused with the other. Fortunately for me, I found a company that welcomes this confusion. In fact, it thrives on it.

Honestly, this resignation is especially difficult because I feel like I’m saying goodbye to a home that has nurtured me, to a family that has inspired me, and to two fathers who have never failed to guide me. But I do know that, precisely because we are how we are, I can never really ever resign from CID.

So while it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye, I leave with wonderful memories that I hope will keep me sane as I walk towards the unfamiliar where I am expecting to find myself lost every so often. But because of my skills, my talents and my determination – all of which have been honed through many nerve wracking, nail biting, deadline beating, hair pulling projects in CID that resulted in sleepless nights, migraine and anxiety attacks, eyebags, wrinkles, and, occasionally, self doubt – I am confident that I will always find my way again.

And for this, I am and will always be grateful to CID.

With much love,
Maite Alvarez


PS, please don’t deduct na my suspension from my final pay. I will be sooooo poor in boracay.

Thanks.

Elliot

These past couple of days, I've been discovering a lot of wonderful things on the web. I've been watching this hilarious brit sitcom called 'the IT crowd.' I found and shared here the most brilliant animation film that made me both laugh and cry all in 3 minutes. and I finally found elliot.

He has an album na. Thank God his talent is not going to waste. And, I'm not an expert on music, but his single is pretty good. I wanted to imbed it here but it wont. So here's a picture nalang. Handsome na rin.

what are you willing to give for that one dream?

this one is my hero.

And this is the best - THE BEST - animation shortie i've ever seen ever!!!

Why I need more Vinces and Dodos in my life

Because there is a blatant lack of decent men in this world.

i love ya boys THIS BIG!!!!

I believe it was the Prophet Ross who said it best when she said.....

I can't cover up my feelings

In the name of love

Or play it safe for a while

That was easy

And if living for myself

Is what I'm guilty of

Go on and sentence me

I'll still be free

It's my turn

To see what I can see

I hope you'll understand

This time's just for me

Because it's my turn

With no apologies

I've given up the truth

To those I've tried to please

But now it's my turn

If I don't have all the answers

At least I know

I'll take my share of chances

Ain't no use of holding on

When nothing stays the same

so I'll let it rain

'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me

And I'll let you go

'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn

With no more room for lies

For years I've seen my life

Through someone else's eyes

And now it's my turn

To try and find my way

And if I should get lostAt least

I'll own todayIt's my turn

Yes, it's my turn

And there ain't no use in holding on

When nothing stays the same

So I'll let it rain

'Cause the rain ain't gonna hurt me

And I'll let you go

'Though I know it won't be easy

It's my turn

To see what I can see

I hope you'll understand

This time's just for me

Because it's my turn

To turn and say goodbye

I sure would like to know

That you're still on my side

Because it's my turnIt's my turn

It's my turnTo start from number one

Trying to undo

Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn

To reach and touch the sky

No one's gonna say

At least I didn't try

It's my turn

Yes, it's my turn

It's my turn

It's my turn

Hail to the great Diana!

Props na rin to her best disciple, the esteemed Coney Reyes Mumar.

Hello heartbreak, my old friend

No matter how broken you think you already are, you can still break.

And no matter how long you've been expecting it, even if you've even had time to have a 'Welcome Pain' banner printed, you will still be in catonic shock when it comes.

And all you can really hope for is that you finally learn from this. Because God knows you seem to have forgotten everything life has taught you before.

Next time, please know better.

Why are you so enamored with impossible relationships? Why does it appeal to you so much? What's wrong with getting into relationships that have, at least, a 50/50 chance of surviving? Is that not challenging enough for you? Must it always be this complicated? Should it always be this hard?

Eh, eto na nga....

O ayan, papano ka na naman ngayon?

thanks (or maybe not) to chockwit for this picture. Hay....

riding the meme bandwagon

Stolen from Dodo's. A meme I can't resist.

What is your favorite word? Fuck

What is your least favorite word? Cherries

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? Laughter

What turns you off? Stupidity

What sound do you love? Something sizzling

What sound do you hate? dogs barking

What is your favorite curse word? Fuck!

What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt? Kusinera

What profession would you not like to participate in? Engineering

If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say, when you arrive at the pearly gates? "In fairness ha, okay na rin ang life mo."

And another one, this one is looooooong overdue. I was tagged months back by Irene but I haven't had the time.

1. The last movie you saw in a theatre, and current-release movie you still want to see.

Apocalypto - I did not like this one at all. at all.

I want to see Music and Lyrics. Its Hugh and Drew. Two of my favorite people in the world.

2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing.

Borrowed Trainspotting. Will see it sometime soon.

3. A movie that made you laugh out loud.

American Haunting. Okay, the movie wasnt funny but the english subtitles that came with the pirated DVD was plenty funny. I think I peed my pants.

4. A movie that made you cry.

Steel Magnolias - Every single time.

5. A movie that was a darling of the critics, but you didn't think lived up to the hype.

Dreamgirls

6. A movie that you thought was better than the critics.

The Godfather 3 - because i will take a bullet for Andy Garcia

7. Favorite animated movie.

Beauty and the Beast

8. Favorite Disney Villain.

Gaston

9. Favorite movie musical.

Moulin Rouge and Beauty and the Beast

10. Favorite movies of all-time (up to 5).

The Godfather (I, II, III)

The Lord of the Rings trilogy

Love Actually

Little Miss Sunshine (new addition)

American Beauty

Sing with me now - HOW DO WE SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE THE MASA?

After the dreadful wowowee stampede tragedy, I wondered if that many people would have shown up at the Ultra and if they would have fought as hard to get in if it were jobs being given away instead of money.

I asked two friends who answered ‘OF COURSE’ with heartfelt conviction.

I wasn’t so confident. To be quite blunt about it, I was convinced they would have just stayed home and watched the other noontime show. I really hoped I was wrong though.

Over lunch today, my boss told us about a conversation he had with an ABS CBN employee. He said that a few months back, the network decided to have an alternative activity for the hundreds of hopefuls who had to be turned away everyday because of the studio’s limited space. So one day, they gathered the ‘excess’- a number that came close to a hundred – and invited them to lunch and a free seminar on livelihood programs that can help them make money.

All stayed for the free lunch.

Three stayed for the free seminar.

I was really hoping I was wrong.

How did we end up here? a world where Willie Revillame is messiah to thousands who flock to him begging for a buck. Under his inept choreography, they dance and they sing and they raise their arms in the air desperate to catch his merciful eye. The studio is transformed into a church and Wowowee becomes a religion.

And what is religion without prayer.

And what is prayer without drama.

And so we see grown men weep, able people plead – howling about the tuition they can’t pay, the medicines they can’t afford, and the jobs they can’t find. They tell us, with certainty, that this is their last hope. That, if this fails, they might as well just shrivel up and die.

WOWOWEE!!!

I never knew that one TV show could have so much power. That the lives of thousands of people literally depend on one show.

And so I wonder, how can we solve anything if we’re too busy singing boom tarat tarat? If we keep this up, this country will end up exactly like how the song ends.

BOOM.

BOOM.

BOOM.

Finally, my new year begins!

Owing to the fact that my hips are big enough to have its own orbit (yes, bigger than mother earths), my 2006 just ended last night.

It ended with pork, chicken, beef, lamb, sausages and more pork in the company of three of my favorite people in the whole world.

It ended with me, alone in bed, having the most honest conversation with myself about what i really want, and what i really feel, and what i think i deserve.

It ended with a personal resolution to stop all things that will lead to bad. Let me say that again now - I WILL STOP ALL THINGS THAT WILL LEAD TO BAD.

And it stops today. stops. finish. tapos na.

And with the help of a truckload of apples, a healthy serving of self esteem, and a side portion of the bigger picture, I start my cleansing today.

******************************

2007 FORECASTS

I felt it the second 2007 came in, this year is gonna be interesting. Not good mind you, but not bad either. Just that, interesting. Pretty much like the shrimps with dessicated coconut I had on my last night in Boracay.

Anyway, here is my fearless forecast for this year;

1. Some things will change - I'm not gonna pretend that I have a plan for this year. I've been throwing words like resignation, boracay and investing around way too much it leaves a trail of doubt all over the place. The doubt is misplaced though, or so I say confidently. I swear on someone's grave that I will totally do it. There's just the trouble of me unable to give myself a good kick in the butt to get started. But happiness, not money or fame or calling, is my motivation. And what better motivation is there.

2. Some things wont - CISV QC is hosting a summer camp for 14s this July and I've been asked to staff. I am guessing I will do it. I imagine that I will probably be needing a break already from the new life I am about to start by then so why the hell not. And besides, I have never said no to anyone before so why start now.

3. I will hopefully be closer to my ideal weight. And I will probably look better than I ever have before.

4. I might fall in love.

5. I will get my heart broken if i do.

6. I will have more money. Because the universe loves me and that's what i want this year.

*****

It's gonna be an interesting year. Im tempted to push the fast forward button and see how it all ends. Except I dont live in an Adam Sandler movie.