im really a gaya gaya

Seven things that scare you:

1. losing my teeth
2. alzheimers
3. osteoporosis
4. outliving my family
5. ghostlers
6. deathler
7. being forgotten as soon as i leave the room or die

Seven things you like the most:

1. Rainy days
2. a tall cold glass of fresh milk
3. laughing
4. sweating
5. good hair days
5. big dogs
6. small dogs
7. forehead kisses

Seven important things in your room:

1. my sister
2. my books
3. my banyo
4. sesame street collection
5. my letter box
6. pictures
7. my turtlenecks

Seven random facts about you:

1. I am as hairy as a baboon.
2. I have the memory of dory.
3. I can live on starch alone.
4. I can make uu at will.
5. There's always a party inside my head.
6. My hips are bigger than manhattan.
7. I make a fabulous rhum cake

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. sicily, sorento, venice, florence, barcelona, egypt
2. bungee jump
3. fuck on a motorcycle
4. sex with a chick (curiousity more than preference)
5. go on a cruise with my family
6. write a book or a script
7. eat meat again

Seven things you can do:

1. lie outrageously
2. host childrens party
3. a jab, straight and left hook combo
4. apparently, i can draw ambo and monster
5. find order in chaos
6. organize fun indoor games
7. stuff

Seven things you can't do:

1. bluff
2. swim
3. ride a bike
4. give up carbs
5. put on blush properly
6. keep my desk organized
7. stuff

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. men who look, smell, feel and act like men (androginity is not my thing)
2. funny! fanny! phanny!
3. wit wit witty
4. i love men who sweat yummily
5. can cook
6. can sing or dance or both
7. masarap kumain

Seven things you say the most:

1. Gads
2. I'm so busog!!!
3. I'm so gutom!!!
4. Hay
5. That's true
6. Ulol!
7. I'm so fat talaga!

Seven celeb crushes (local or foreign)

1. Bo Bice
2. Colin firth
3. Hugh Grant
4. Reynaldo Gianechinni (that yummy yummy man i posted two or three blogs down)
5. Piolo Pascual
6. Raymond Bagatsing
7. Angelina Jolie

Blame it on the vowel

MUSH ALERT!!!
(pasensya na. tao lang)


The problem with the vowel is that it forces you into realizations that beat self-delusion to a pulp. And so you find yourself alone in the living room, having a conversation with a doogie on a monday night.

I've pretty much accepted the possiblity that i will probably end up alone. I'm really okay na with that.

But what i've come to realize on that blasted monday night is that no matter how equipped i am to handle the bigger 'stuff', it's really the small things that break me.

- Like not having someone to watch a stupid movie with because they have no other choice but to keep me company.

- Or not having someone to lounge around the house with on a rainy sunday afternoon.

- Or those silly private jokes that no one else understands and appreciates.

- Or someone whose voice suddenly springs to life when they get your call at 3 in the morning just to say hi.

- Or text messages that mean nothing ang everything at the same time.

Yan. The small things. Silent but deadly.

hi

it's 4am and im still here with no sign of work ending really soon. which means one of two things;

1. i dont have time na talaga to go home so i will have to either go to jennis or 719 to take a quick nap before i have to be back here at 9 tomorrow. ay, later pala. 719 is closer but jenni's is priority because she has a heater. it really depends right now on the person who's gonna drop me off.

this also means that pats will have to drop off my clothes tomorrow. ay, later pala.

hassle pare.

2. Or - i really wont leave nalang this office talaga and just go to the gym to take a bath tomorrow. ay, later pala.

But really as of this point, i just really want to make u.u. naman.

GOD SARAP! 

I am a gaya-gaya :-)

From chockwit to duskwatcher to me.

Write 15 statements anonymous to people on your friends list and then pick 5 people to do this as well.

- You make me prouder everyday.

- I love you more than your momma.

- Someday, when you're ready, i will hold your hand and watch regine concerts with you.

- Ika nga ng kanta "And I'm doing just fine. Getting along very well...."

- You seriously deserve someone better. like me :)

- I would gladly be an old maid if you'll be one with me.

- You will find someone fabulous to love and who will love you fabulously.

- It's really up to you. Eitherway, you'll have to find happiness in the choices you make.

- Enough. Enough now.

- You should try to make her happier. She deserves to be happier.

- The key to a more relaxed life is to loosen your bra straps :)

- You're truly my favorite person in the whole wide world miski you repeatedly lied to me before. mwah.

- Next to my mother, you are my 'contact in case of emergency' person and i love you to bits.

- I miss you naman eh.

- It gets better. I promise :)

***************************************************************************

it's really up to you.

oooh.. me too. me too.

You are Coraline! You are quirky, strange, and
charming. Some people may find you a little
alarming and not always get you... But they can
piss off, right? You are the kind of person who
always needs to be entertained, otherwise you
get uncomfortable. You probably still enjoy
everything you did when you were little, such
as childrens books and Disney movies. Youre fun
to be around and are usually the life of the
party.


*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

thanks therese. i now know myself better because of you :)

LSS

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?"

Jeff Buckley
You are Jeff Buckley! You're influential to many young and old, and very talented. You have charisma and grace that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1997 from a drug-induced drowning in the Mississippi River.

my newest mantra

okay its not exactly new. i've said it before but i never got around to practicing it. but yesterday i realized after i had two bites of that stupid honey cake after snarfing an entire bag of flaming hot cheetos that most of the stuff i ingest aint worth ingesting at all.

so, from this day on, as God is my witness, i promise to never again, for as long as i can help it, eat mediocre food and that every pound and every inch that i gain will be worth gaining.

WHAT IS NOT WORTH EATING A LOT OF IS NOT WORTH EATING AT ALL!

WOW!!!

Today, i had lunch with 13 mountain climbers who will devote the next three years of their lives in training to do what has never been done EVER before - plant the Philippine flag at the summit of Mt. Everest in 2007.

WOW!!!

hurry before it spoils

Is the world wide web ready for her neurosis and her absolutely amusing gibberish? i think so.

To know and love her the way i do, www.perishables.blogspot.com

welcome sweetie.

change is good

if they were to ask me, here is what i have to say;

Guys, we've had a good run. Four years aint bad at all. I was there for the first 18 months of the relationship and i am here for the last couple more and, all in all, i would say that it was all good. But the time has come to reconsider this relationship. I know you have been thinking about it for a while now and maybe you should know that we have been too and the truth is maybe, at this point, we both would be better off finding someone new.

But, let me say this, as difficult as it had been (especially in the beginning cos now i really don't care anymore), it was still a pleasure working with all of you.

And thats what matters really. Its never the fact that it ended, because all things end eventually, but its really everything you got from it that made you better. For me, the best thing was meeting a man i can never have unless he gets divorced/annulled or is an infidel.

Please god let him be an infidel. Kidding kidding.

huuuuu..... kidding.

Kidding nga eh.

(God, i should really control these voices in my head)

I really love slugger now noh. But carolina was, and will always be, my princess. And for some reason, i miss her today more than ever. This picture was taken the day before she died. Ang taba ko lang sa picture na to noh pero never - ang ganda nya lang eh. 

is it a sign? is it a sign?

okay, so i finally decided, and with permission from mamu and trucs, to make a move.

but my prop - my one and only prop - is not in stock anywhere.

so hwag na?

pumapatak patak patak patak......

And while i love the rain like anything, i really prefer it outdoors.

how class talaga my office.

my mamushika

It was probably only the 2nd time i hung out with her. We were all having dinner at pio pazzo when i finally felt comfortable enough to tell her the truth about my "relationship." It wasnt the easiest thing to do mind you. It was like pulling teeth --- pahirapan talaga. But several tissue exchanges later, she finally found out.

And that night, despite the fact that i hardly knew her really, I decided that she was going to be my good friend.

You see, when you meet someone as amazing as she is, you don't leave the fate of your friendship up to chance. You take control, look her in the eye and tell her "mamu, lets be close!"

And now she's my mamushika.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

why i am not a writer

I wanted to be one until mamu (bless her trusting heart) gave me an assignment to write about this tomboy turned chick. This (copied below) was the first draft i submitted. It still went through some revisions before it was printed.

LIVING STRAIGHT

“I was in second year high school when I started courting this girl. I would send her love letters, give her gifts, spend all recess and lunch breaks with her – your basic ligaw moves,” Sam shares. “But then I got confused. I started thinking if she was what I really wanted. I decided she wasn’t and so I stopped – just like that.”

No surprises here really. This is how most high school romances end anyway and we all know that this is how most boys would choose to end it – just stop cold, no warning, no tips, no heads up. At some point, we girls have found ourselves looking through a glass window on a rainy day listening to sappy songs wondering “Why isn’t he writing me anymore? Why isn’t he calling? What did I do wrong?”

Sam’s story however is not your usual run of the mill boy-fizzling-out story. She actually went through a thorough self-reflection before she stopped writing those letters. Nope. Those were not typos. Sam is a she. A chick. A sister. One of us. And a beautiful member of the fold at that.

“It was a confusing time,” she explains. “High school was different and I didn’t really know who I was yet.”

It was the shift from a co-ed grade school to an exclusive girls high school that rattled Sam’s world. She grew up like most of us did. Hating boys and, yet, somehow fascinated by them. She had her share of crushes. Actually, she confides to having more than her share of crushes. Being young still though (nene pa), she never gave any of them serious thought.

High school for her, on the other hand, was a completely new playing field. For the young and highly impressionable, the littlest of influences can totally rock one’s self identity, if not alter it altogether. And this was exactly the kind of situation Sam found herself in.

“There were two sets of girls in high school,” she tells us. “There were the girly-girly, kikay girls who were so into their hair and dressing up. Then there were the tomboys. The ones who had their hair cut like a guy, who dressed in baggy pants and loose shirts,” she expounds.

Its easy to understand how a girl who neither falls into one of these two extremes can get confused. High school, its been said more than once, is a survival zone. You can’t afford to be neutral. The ‘loser’ label will be cast on anyone who stands out and not being in a group will definitely make one stand out. In an all-girl school, the divide is more apparent. If one were to survive high school, one must choose which group they belong to and commit themselves to it.

Although Sam wasn’t entirely sure who she was yet, she knew exactly who she wasn’t. She wasn’t one to spend an hour fixing her hair. She wasn’t one who would lose sleep over a zit. She wasn’t one to wear skirts and tight-fitting shirts. The decision seemed obvious, she belonged to the tomboy category.

She had her first crush on a girl when she was a freshman. She was a member of the school theatre group and so was she. They spent a lot of time together during meetings, rehearsals and get-togethers and she found herself being drawn to the nice junior whom everybody liked. But nothing resulted from this crush except a casual friendship.

It did start something though. From then on, she, and her other friends, started having crushes on this girl or that but it was pretty much just talk until her sophomore year.

It was a girl from another class, also a tomboy, who pretty much made Sam take her first steps towards that direction. She had a crush on her, she admits that much, but she wasn’t prepared to take any further steps. Her friends, however, thought differently.

“I was pressured to court her,” Sam confesses. “My friends, despite my hesitation, encouraged me to go for her.” And so started the love letters and sweet gifts. “I would pick her up from her class and we would take our breaks together. That sort of thing,” she adds.

One day though, the truth became harder to ignore. “I really thought about it and I decided that it just wasn’t right for me.”

Making the decision to stop courting the girl was easier than making the decision to start ‘becoming’ a girl. After all, being a tomboy was the only life she knew and all around her were friends in the same boat.

On her junior year in high school, life decided to give her a little twist to help her think clearly. What she thought would be a simple appendectomy turned out to be something more serious. They found a huge cyst in her right ovary. At such a young age, she was faced with the thought that do not usually hit women until their late twenties – what if I won’t be able to have kids.

That was when she realized that deep inside, she wanted children of her own and, with that, a husband beside her. “It suddenly became very clear and uncomplicated. For the first time in my life, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted in life.”
Thus, the make-over begins.

The first move was to stop wearing her hair like Portia Ilagan. She didn’t just start growing her locks, she started styling it as well (don’t scoff, this is a very big step.) Next to go were her clothes. Her baggy pants and her loose collared shirts were packed and sent to Eloys. Her skin felt textile for the first time as she bought her first baby tee and bootleg pants. Her shoes suffered the same fate. Bye bye loafers, hello open-toed sandals.

“Its funny ‘cause I really felt awkward when I tried on bootleg pants for the first time. It was definitely a big change.”

Expanding her wardrobe was not the only thing that needed to be done and she knew it. She then proceeded to expanding her circle of friends. “I decided to give the girly-girl groups a chance and surprisingly, I had fun with them also,” she admits. “I started going out and meeting new people and I started having crushes on guys again and it felt right for me.”

I’m sure Sam is not the only girl who has been through something like this. Some of them believe that it is their true identity. For a good number of them though, it’s a choice imposed upon them by their environment and their friends. The self-uncertainty that we all have at that age (and that some of us never get to resolve) also does not help.

Our puberty is defined by our high school years. At this stage, our hormones are raging and, emotionally, we start wanting for the romantic kind of love. In an all-girl set-up, the problem is obvious, with a blatant lack of the male specie, the females are left to fend for themselves. The tomboys assume the role by filling up the void that the absent gender fails to do.

In a smaller arena, take the theatre for example, women will take on men roles should there be none around. For some, the role playing continues even long after the play has ended. What is as profound as discovering one’s true self is simplified by the most basic tenet of economics; the law of supply and demand. We need men – we get men by becoming men.

Aside from economics, our woman nature might even mislead us. Girls, unlike boys, are more appreciative of beauty and will not hesitate to admit it. Which is why we don’t have a problem proclaiming our affection for Angelina Jolie whereas you will never hear a guy admit that they just can’t get enough of Brad Pitt. So some young girls might start thinking but why do I find her so hot. I must be gay. Which is not always the case. But once that mentality sets in, it might be hard to erase it.
It is easy for a girl to fall into that trap. What is scarier is that its even easier to stay in it. Sam is lucky that she was able to figure things out at a young age. When I ask her if she would have discovered what she really wanted if she did not have that scare of not having children, she hesitates before she answers. “It might have probably taken me longer but I believe that eventually I would have figured it out just the same.”

Unfortunately, not everyone is able to find themselves as Sam did. “Some of my tomboy friends are still the same. In some of them, I really feel that they are where they need to be to be happy. But for some, I still feel that they were trapped into it because they don’t know any better. And that really makes me sad.”
Looking at Sam today, one will never suspect that her teen years were fraught with confusion. She’s become your typical hair tossing, belly button-bearing hot chick. Her life is not worry-free mind you. Like most of us, she fell in love (yes with a guy) and had her heart shattered to bits as well. But with a firmer grasp on who she is, she is able to overcome these problems with a smile on her made-up face and she is able to move on at the snap of her manicured finger.

R.I.P. FUN (1975 - 2005)

There was a time when fun and i were inseperable. Where i was, fun would surely be soon after. In my most desperate of circumstances, fun would come running, eager to take my blues away. There were even times when others would look disapprovingly cos fun and i would insist on being together in such inopportune times.

Those days are gone now. And so soon after the demise of yet another dear friend, time. Fun and i took time for granted when we were together. How could i have known that losing one naturally meant losing the other.

To time. To fun. To rock n roll.

***** I am writing this at 6am at the office because i have ten minutes to spare before i leave for my 7am meeting in roxas. see what i mean. *****

sana someday...

i can rest naman.

im really so tired na eh. so very tired. working on weekends, not going home earlier than 1am in the past two weeks. really sticking to a one-hour lunch break. so tiring and, yes, unrewarding.

tomorrow i have a four-page supplement coming out in 2 publications. on thursday, after my press con in makati, i have to rush to subic to take care of my event there on friday. And im sure that despite my hard work and long hours, the slightest typo or the most insignificant shortcoming will be what my clients will remember.

it's a thankless job i tell you. WAHHHH!!!! (thats me throwing a fit)

Anyhoo, last night (actually this morning at 3), on my way back to the office from a meeting, i realized that i've been fairly lucky with my cabdrivers. I mean asking for additional fare on top of the meter rate is delightful compared to the "wanna sniff some ether so i can rape you and take all your money" types.

To top it off, stress doesnt seem to help in supressing the appetite. In fact, i think i eat more now that im stressed cos my mind is someplace else so i dont feel that im just snarfing down everything in sight. Like for instance this uraro in front of me. My god i really love uraro.

Okay. i just re-read what i wrote. you know what i am, im a leaper. from topic to topic with no transitions to connect my thoughts.

i really have ADD talaga. and by ADD i dont mean amazing dedes.

did i just actually write that?

i suck because...

1. i wasnt able to watch the big-screen premiere of mansyon and big time, works of art of two of my greatest and most talented chums because i had a meeting in sm north.

2. i never got around to helping monster with the PR plan for big time (i so sowwy monstah. i so sowwy)

3. i had three dinners last night. i think im becoming a hobbit na.

4. ive been eating pringles cheezums the whole day despite my kabusugan.

5. i wasnt able to go to the wine tasting tonight because of work again.

as of this point, i just really want to go home.

pasikip ng pasikip ng pasikip ng pasikip

ang mga pantalon ko.

FOR THE RECORD:

I did not cry because i felt bad for the thief.

I did not cry because i felt sorry that she got caught.

I cried because i was genuinely hurt by the betrayal of someone i thought was a friend.

I cried because i sincerely wanted to understand why what happened happened.

And i know i seem wimpy and weird to everybody else and im sure that everybody else is fucking right cos, after all, every body else IS in my shoes. And I’m sure that the thief is probably snickering somewhere telling people "hey, you find maite alvarez and make her believe that you're her friend and then you steal from her cos she's the one who ends up crying pare"

IF SHE THINKS THAT THAN THATS HER PROBLEM.

THATS WHY SHE'S THE CHEAP SLUT THAT SHE IS!

AND IM NOT GONNA FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE I DONT MEASURE UP TO HER STANDARDS (OR OTHERS FOR THAT MATTER) OF WHAT A VICTIM SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO.

Im not letting her get away with anything. Forgiveness is one thing but justice is another.

I will make sure that she pays for what she did one way or another (and i just dont mean financially.)

I will not trust her again.

I cannot be her friend anymore.

BUT

i do feel bad and will continue to feel bad about the loss of a friendship that i thought was real. And, you know what, this may not even be the last time I cry about it.

SO FUCKING SUE ME!

another kind of heartbreak

This morning it ended amicably. Two other people were there, one to mediate and the other another victim. They both did all the talking. I just sat there quiet and listened. So did she.

This morning I felt something i haven't felt in a while - heartbreak. Over the loss of a frienship and of a friend and that naive part of me that believed that friends didnt do this to each other.

This morning she accepted the consequences of what she did without a fight. She signed a document that legally binds her to pay us back. And we assured her that no criminal charges will be filed.

This morning, looking at her and trying to understand why she did what she did, I was reminded that before all this happened, a friendship was there and it felt real, at least to me. And I was reminded that I have also wronged and kupaled friends before and that, for some divine reason, the universe had forgiven me.

I truly truly hope that the universe will forgive her too. Cos i think i already have.

cheap

It's been a tough week. Been walking around since tuesday with a heavy heavy feeling. Been yo-yo-ing back and forth from being sad to being angry.

I discovered that my credit card was missing on tuesday. After i called hsbc, i found out that my card had been used and the amount totaled to roughly nine thousand bucks. We've investigated and all evidence point to one direction and it points to someone i consider my friend.

My friendship had just been compromised for a couple of bottles of lotion and a handbag.

I've never met anyone so cheap. so fucking galactically cheap.

Bo in a bottle

Never has the desire to pleasantville myself to a TV show been so strong as it was yesterday and is today.

Oh dear lord i think i truly love him.

******

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

 

presko

I've been checking my friendster account on a regular basis again. Kasi i've reconnected with some media folks, one of whom i had a really big crush on, and everytime i open my friendster now i really really hope that i have a friend request from him.

Pathetic. Absolutely.

But never. This blog is not about me. It is about this dude called richard. This richard i dont know. This richard i've never met or heard of before.

This richard who sent me a very very simple friendster message.

may i have ur cell#

Maybe he's too lazy to spell out a short word like Y-O-U-R or maybe he's too busy to waste time spelling out N-U-M-B-E-R, but i would have really appreciated it if he had at least the decency to end a question with a question mark. I mean its just, after all, one pindot on the keyboard.

I mean really. do men think women will respond to this? And really, does he think i would just give it out like that?

Wala man lang please.

love me or leave me (embarassing??? songs)

I'm taking up joels call to owe up to my pop sensibilities.

Although, musically speaking, i have no other sensibilities than that of....

1. Pop! (dirty pop) / nsync - its the first song on the playlist when i borrow pats' ipod to go jogging every sunday. and yes, in true maite fashion, i sing along with it very very loudly for all the neighborhood to sing.

2. Groovy kind of love / phil collins - mahabang mahabang istorya. at kung u-umpisahan ko, iiyak lang ako. but whats not to like about a song that celebrates a groovy kind of love.

3. Have i told you lately that i love you / rod stewart - it feels my heart with gladness and it takes away my sadness, ease my troubles thats what this song does.

4. Ray of light and, by God!, everything madonna - if madonna says its cool to say zephyr, then zephyr here and zephyr there, zephyr zephyr everywhere.

5. Let's wait a while / janet jackson - at a time when kids were having sex way before they were ready, miss janet stood up and said 'hey, it's cool to wait before its too late'

6. Dirty diana / michael jackson - absolutely my ultimate favorite michael jackson song.

7. Honey / mariah carey - used to be my first song always when videoke-ing until i realized that there was no way in hell i could pull it off. i do think i can pull off those shoes though.

8. Boys / britney spears - i just have to have a britney here somewhere and this is my favorite.

9. Especially for you / kylie minogue and jason donovan - hee, im so sorry.

10. How did you know i needed someone like you in my life - Simply put, I LOVE GARY V.!!!!

Hey, i would also like to admit that i really secretly like sydney sheldon books. hee.

Tofu or not tofu

I personally think that i've been having too much of the damned thing. Dont get me wrong, my taste buds are not complaining (at least, not yet.) A tofu meal still makes me water despite the bad rap its been having.

But there it is. The bad rap.

My mother won't let up with the uric acid attack while mila (office groovy mom) said that it might actually have something to do with causing alzheimers. And since id rather not have the first and am terrified of the other, i've been trying to lay off tofu for a while.

Well... except for lunch today where i had that damned thing again.

Anyhoo, what is up with manila man?

What the fuck did we do to the sun to make it hate us so much?

Where the fuck does the breeze hang out these days? Definitely not around makati. And Im sure as hell its not in my house either. Will somebody please find out and book me the first flight out of here!!!

Okay, Next.

I seem to be bleeding from all possible areas. First off, its like the dam has broken down south and the overnights and the ultras are not doing its job very well. Second, my gums started bleeding while i was brushing my teeth last night. And Third, i had a nose bleed this morning, the first i've ever had in my life.

I normally wouldnt be worried except i was just rejected as a blood donor two weeks ago because apparently my rbc count was disturbingly low.

So where is all this blood coming from?

It's the heat i tell you. What else could be causing it? the tofu?

FATTER

yup. thats really me. gained six pounds since i last worked out three weeks ago.

thats two pounds fatter every week i didnt gym.

JA-HEE-SA-HUS!!!

In fairness to my fatter self. There were some attempts in the past three weeks to work out. Two to be exact. And only two because i've been busy as hell.

BUH-HEE-SEE-HEE!!!

Anyhoo, i went to the gym last wednesday to really break some major sweat on the running machine. Eh, ang da-i kong socks! papano na yon? so, i just homeler myself in my workout clothes with pink old lady slippers.

Tapos today, I was really walking towards the gym na talaga when, all of a sudden, as if i had no control over my fatter feet, i turned around and headed back to the office. And like a woman in trance with absolutely no control over her actions, i called my mother and asked her to pick me up right away.

Tomorrow talaga i promise to work out na.

PRO-HUH-MI-HIS!!!

PISCES WOMAN

Thats me.

And according to a website in dire need of an editor who actually speaks english, this is who i am.

She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality. She is weak and sensitive when it's come to "Love". She can cry if her best friend is breaking up, and she can be over excited when her friend gets a new boy friend who is a good looking and rich even it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprise to see that she is shy just because she is in love. More or less it will be in Pisces woman. She loves small animal and gifted in training animals.

She has sixth senses and she can guess what will happen next, it's her nature. Even she has a good sixth senses, she can not pick or foreseen her own choice of lover. She can not tell if she meet a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.

She likes to buy and pick her own cloths. She likes to dress cute and be cute. Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and she has a nice skin.

Her hands and feet are small and soft. Pisces woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them. She is a hot lady that everyone wants her. Whether she has a man in her life or not , she will never try to over powered any man. It's not even in her
thought.

She thinks man can handle things better, and she will make her man feel that way. She is an easy going person, so being with her is easy. She is a confident woman and likes to make people who stay with her happy. She knows how to please and how to comfort a man.

If something is wrong, she will try to make other people belief that it's must be because of someone else, not because of her love one. She will not push her man to be ambition but to make him feel like he should be happy with the way he is now. She is happy with you for what you are now.

A Pisces woman , if she has a bad childhood, she will always remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person. She will pity herself and feel sorry for herself. She tends to hurt herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you can never tell which path she going to take. If you love her , then hold her tight because she never knows why she did what she did or what she will do next.

A complex character. You may think she is a shy innocent type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong. You might think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again. She has been through a lot, a tough cookie. She is a dreamer and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know so well.

Be very careful if fall in love with Pisces woman. She can be a total different person before and after. She can be an angle before and later a witch, but everyone is not perfect, right? She will be soft and gentle most of the time, so not to worry. She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently got hurt. She is the type who can cry her heart out.

She can have a secret fear inside, when she says she does not need anyone. She badly needs someone to protect her, but sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy. She does not like to follow any fixed rules. She can be a good housewife if you know how
to handle her.

Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100% woman. If she wants to be sweet, she is a real angles.

ETTI DOES ALEGRE (and i dont mean alona baby)

April 21-24

One of the perks, if not the only one there is actually, of handling one of my accounts is that every year we choose a nice spot somewhere, gather up the media and bring them there for r and r.

This year, we went to cebu. Sogod, cebu. Alegre beach resort, sogod, cebu.

When my client first said that we had to send someone a day before to go around town and make sure that everything was in order, i raised my hand and jumped up and down and said "ME! ME!"

Never mind if the first time i was in Cebu i went straight from the airport to plantation bay. Never mind if the second time i was there i never even left the airport.

In my head, those two times that i touched down in Cebu practically made me a local.

So there i was in the middle of the mactan international airport all alone and lugging around 6 friggin backdrop banners for the event.

And of course, because i am, after all, me, i was not able to make hotel reservations. So i just literally went with the first guy who approached me and invited me to a hotel room.

The hotel room smelled weird. If i were a better writer i'd attempt to describe it but since im not i just hope that you know what im talking about. Anyway, after sleeping for an hour, i made my way to my first site in downtown cebu and then to my second site in mandaue city. And then i went shopping at SM cebu where people just insisted on talking to me in cebuano. geezler.

That night, i met up with an old friend for dinner. Bong is my bisaya great friend who sat next to me in law school. Who, apparently, i forced to admit that i was his best friend two weeks after we met (god i love myself.)

It was really good seeing him again.

When he brought me back to my hotel a little before midnight, i just realized how creepy my room was. It was a big room with dull orange carpet and stained wallpaper. So, just so i didnt have to be alone for a long time, i called for a massage. That cost me 1,000. Fuck.

The next day was sweet reunion with the I.T. press. The last time they saw me was in 2002 when i was 205 lbs. So when they saw me, God! kaya ba nila?!?

Anyway, it was truly one of the most fun work weekends i've had. Although the beach in Bohol was nicer, the fun i had in bohol does not even compare to a fraction of the fun i had in Cebu.

I owe it, of course, to the peeps with me.

Clients who, in fairness, rocked. Fun fun officemates. Media peeps who are really wonderful peeps (two of them i think i'm officially in love with.)

On top of that, there was, of course, despite my limited choices, great food.

And the rooms were just simply absolutely breath-taking!!!

All in all, it was fun times man! fun fucking times!

An ode to my unborn, not-even-in-the-ballpark-of-being-conceived child

If I Could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes I would
If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go
If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could
If I live in a time and place where you don't wanna be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won't have to be your way
If I knew
I would try to change the world I brought you to
And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would
If I could

Some things i just dont understand

Last monday, brian, the youngest brother of marc who is one of my bestfriends, went to consult a doctor because he was not feeling well. He was diagnosed with leukemia.

Yesterday, two days after, he passed away.

He was the good one. The one who made sure that his sisters were safe. The one who always looked out for his ate marc.

He was 25 years old.

On saturday, his parents are coming home to bury their son.

*******************************************************

When she was barely two years old, my sisters kidneys started failing. She was put on steroids and was scheduled for a transplant.

My mother and my sister had to move to manila to be able to get medical treatment. Me and my brothers stayed with my grandparents in the province. My dad went back and forth to make sure that we were all okay.

After being away for a week, my dad went home to manila and rushed to my sisters crib. My mother walked in on him crying quietly as he watched my sister sleeping. He told my mother later that he cried because when he saw my sister that night he didnt even recognize her at first because of the steroids. And that for the first time in his life, my father - the supreme alpha macho male - felt helpless.

My sister didnt need a transplant after all, but her kidneys were still weak. She was in and out of the hospital for the first ten years of her life. She was not allowed to play, or to swim or to go to regular school because it might have aggravated her condition. She grew up on tasteless food because her kidneys couldnt take salt.

She finally got better in her teen years. And she grew up to be an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny human being. We all hoped that that would be the end of her suffering.

Two years ago, they found cysts in her ovaries, one of which was bigger than her uterus. Nobody in the family said it out loud but i knew we all felt the same thing. When is life ever gonna give her a chance to really live life?

I remember i called tracy the night i found out and i remember crying to her cos i couldnt understand why life was picking on my kid sister.

Less than a year after the cysts in her ovaries were taken out, they found new ones in her uterus.

She cried that day she found out. My sister, who has always been strong, cried inconsolably that day. And my mother, who sat and cried beside her too, just kept telling her it was going to be okay.

My sister is truly the strongest person i know. She fights her battles bravely with a smile on her face. If she ever did complain about all that has happened to her, she kept it to herself.

********************************************************

I often wonder how people like my sister and brian are chosen. Deesj believes that things happen randomly to random people. Cos really, when you look at life, nothing really seems fair.

Cos why was i spared and my sister not?

But I've also always believed that life is tougher on the strong because the strong can take it. So maybe, just maybe, i've been spared because i'm weak. Because maybe, if i were living my sisters life, i would just complain and be bitter.

I once read a story about a hunchback who was madly in love with a beautiful maiden. And the maiden couldnt bring herself to love him because he was ugly. One night, the hunchback told her that he was really suppose to be born handsome. But before he was born, the gods took him and showed him the reflection of the girl he was going to fall madly in love with, the girl was plain and deformed. So he prayed to the gods to transfer all her deformities to him because he didnt want her to grow up being scorned by other people. And so he was born a hunchback and she a beautiful maiden.

Maybe my sister told God before we were born to spare me and my siblings of any real heartaches. To just give it to her because she's the strongest of all of us.

I know that really sounds trite and stupid but sometimes i resort to the trite and stupid to try to understand why things are the way they are.

(god umiyak ba ako habang sinusulat ko to?)
(at god may kahabaan noh?)

He's still making funny faces. But now he does them in heaven. 

me, myself and i

last night after cd's exhibit at saguijo (where the music was superb), the chums played one of its favorite games "sino sa chums ang....?"

i was declared the winner in two categories (it would have been unanimous too except i contested both)

I am, according to my chums (and some fucking chums these peeps are)

THE MOST NARCISSISTIC
and
THE MOST ANNOYING

let's consult mr. webster shall we. (actually dictionary.com - anyhoo)

nar·cis·sism
Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See Synonyms at conceit.
A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.

okay, so they do have a point here noh. let me, however, repeat what i said last night and please forgive the obvious cry for help.

The reason why i love myself so much is because nobody else does :( and besides, really lets be honest, what's not to love :)

Also, let me point out, that i have insecurities beyond measure which is probably why i overcompensate with narcissism. What is perceived as self-love maybe just a smokescreen to take away the focus from my desperation to hold on to the little self esteem that i have.

BUT WAIT....

As an adjective, narcissistic is defined as characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance

I actually do not.

Life goes on without me and it will go on happily. I have no delusions that i am indispensable or even remotely consequential.

And as much as it pains me to admit it, the truth is, although i am greatly loved, i am not needed. And that is my heart-wrenching truth.

Now, if the basis of being narcissistic is having an inflated idea of their own importance, then joel passes me by a mile.

Okay, annoying.

Yes, this is true. If i were not me watching me, i'd be annoyed by me too. I am loud and "malikot" and really too perky sometimes eh.

BUT , (of course there's always a but)

you have to admit, im quite adorable once you get to know me :)

DO I LOVE TALKING ABOUT ME OR WHAT?

some other categories last night;

Most matapobre - adi, as was blatantly obvious in his drunken state last saturday
Most likely to kill - deesj, rage is a dangerous thing
Most like to be rich (given a level playing field to start with) - joel and drach
Best singer - mamu or drach (i forget)
Best dancer - me
Best in english - mamu for me. although may humihirit na gigi. hindi ako nadadaan sa accent eh
Best in tagalog - si deesj daw
Lowest self esteem - tracy
Highest self esteem - Monster and then gigi (although sabi ni gigi umiiyak rin naman sya sa gabi)

********************************************************************

CUT to CUT to yesterday

I was trying to fix my officemate, lance, up with arrian who is one of my funniest and sexiest friend.

so i showed lance her picture and he said "she's very pretty but she looks like my cousin"

to which i replied of course "so?"

and he said "so?, can you even imagine kissing your cousin?"

if these pores could talk ano..

anyway, i quoted joel who quoted drach from way back when

WALANG PINSAN SA TITING TULISAN!

cut to cut to saguijo that night.

sinigaw lang sya ni diego onstage eh.

etti does bohol (and chicka lang)

Maganda naman siya - i mean, probably one of the most beautiful places i've seen - but since i haven't really been around very much - im not the best judge for tourist "must-sees."

Anyhoo, while the beach is, unquestionably beautiful and the water was at a very comforting temperature (albeit 42 million starfishes and sea urchins), there was really one question burning in my mind while i rocked my hammock overlooking the beach -

WHERE IS THE LIFE HERE?

please tell me where is the life in the island of bohol. because i was really there for 2 days and i dunt see it. i really dunt.

people - none!
activities - none!
good times - none!

But you know what i love about bohol - tarsiers! my geads they are really the cutest. i think one hundred tarsiers turn over their grave everytime we compare them to milo because really a big insult for them.

here are some trivia i picked up about tarsiers from our tour guide;

1. tarsiers are highly suicidal (okay, baka dito pareho sila ni milo) - they are easily stressed especially when they are moved to a new environment. they also dont like being touched very much. And you know how they kill themselves - they bang their heads on the tree until they die. As our tour guide said "they are the original head bangers" HAR HAR HAR!!!

2. They have the softest bumbunan raw. like pillows. which is probably why they bang their heads on the wall when suicidal para fast death.

last night also, i was selected to be the special guest judge sa costume party. The theme of the party was "Pirates of the Carribean" so the guests really careered it ha. I mean they rented or patahid their costumes. Now, some of the guests are really not the brightest or the most attentive to detail because they really dont pay attention to the theme.

So maybe they just read 'carribean' and they come dressed as chiquita banana (colorful costumes and fruits on their head and all)

hay geads.... i really gave them a zero there.

anyway, pictures from bohol i had to take with my cellphone cos i forgot to bring a camera.

beach 

more beach 

beach in black and white 

beach in sepia 

sunset 

cute little things man! 

judge ets 

FOR DODO: a whine for a whine

this was suppose to be a comment on dodo's blog but i realized it was just too damn long.

dodo, long as the climb may seem to you (assuming of course that dyogi's travel time is standard), let me compare your race against time with mine.

Vito, Pablo, Maya and Renata - these are the names of my future children.

One child, one name. I dont want my childrens birth certificates to read like german moreno's pabati list.

I dont have a boyfriend and, according to my calculations, i will have to "play" around with a couple of more boys before i meet THE ONE. (Note: possibility of not meeting THE ONE is NOT- repeat-NOT an option.) The relationship will probably need two-three years to simmer before marriage is even brought to the table. Give me another year to plan my wedding because it is, after all, MY wedding and i've been dreaming of it since i was five. And while i intend to start having children as soon as my bouquet is tossed, i do not intend to have my four children one right after the other or, God forbid, all at the same time. My hips have taken enough abuse from my genes thank you very much.

Which means that i need a total of 8 years to complete my litter, at least.

I am 30 years old now and my clock is running faster than most chicks because i've always been more physiologically advanced than the other girls.

So there. While your race is, admittedly, more profound than my shallow one, mine seems more hopeless to achieve. You've got your talent, and by god you have buckets-full, and this talent will not wane until lucidity is your friend.

On the otherhand, my body is already in the process of forming a union planning a strike within the next few years. My uterus is starting to feel the first stages of dehydration and its only a matter of time before it dries out completely. And, as it is, my cells are no longer at its producing peak.

So papano na ba to?

trenta

I turned 30 two days ago. It wasnt quite as grand as the day anthony hopkins had in meet joe black when he turned 65 (sorry i just saw the movie again on hbo), nor was it as dramatic as the day joel turned 30 last december (burnt house and mansyon surprise and all) but it was, nonetheless, uhm..... special :)

I went to bed the night before with a bad migraine and woke up to several texts and missed calls of birthday greetings. I opened my bedroom door to slugger who was just hanging out in the upstairs landing. He kissed me happy birthday. Bathed and dressed, i went downstairs where my brother bobby started playing Happy Birthday on his electric guitar (i love bobby!)

It was a virtually no-work day for me because i just simply refused to do anything. Fun lunch at the office with pansit, pizza and a birthday cake. After lunch was me enjoying larry's gift, a milkbath footspa at Footloose. Oooooh.....

Dinner was two pasta dishes. One oriental inspired, the other italian, both vegetarian, both fantastic. Although, the second batch of the vegetable medley was really the worst owing to lack of care for its prep.

Anyhoo, good day Lord. Good day. Thanks.

U.M.

I went to the good old University Mall in La Salle last saturday before my spanish class.

Its funny how things change and how it doesnt at the same time.

Monster asked me once if i could see myself getting back together with niv. I said parang hindi cos i know him all too well and yet i dont really no him at all anymore.

Its sort of the same thing.

more ramblings

1. I was conned into buying lychee flavored ice cream last night. Okay, so maybe conned is the wrong word since i dont think there was any intent to decieve on sellers part. Stopped by with adi at amici on our way to 719 to get gelato. and because im deaf sometimes, what i heard when i asked her for the flavor was "(mumblings) with walnut." And because im stupid sometimes, i didnt bother to ask what it was she mumbled.

It turned out to be lychees.

I hate lychees. It tastes so distinctly..... chinese.

No offence to anyone. I said the same thing to Jem, a chinese friend, in boracay last christmas. She agreed.

3. Do people think me pretentious when i refer to the fx as shuttle. When i told my mom one time that i was taking the shuttle home, she said "shuttle, shuttle, fx lang yan."

eh what if its revo the shuttle? why should fx get branding bragging rights? Is fx the new colgate?

4. i have stopped losing weight. gasp. Have i plateaud or am i building muscles? riya and therese said to stop using the scale as my progress guide. But we live in a world where everything should be backed up by numbers eh. and my inches loss isnt really that impressive yet.

hay....

5. Again, my problem is this; when she was just referred to as the fat one from wilson philips (phillips), everybody thought carnie wilson would be the bomb when she loses the fat. She, in my humble opinion, did not quite live up to the expectation.

Im so afraid to disappoint.

Jenni said that i put way too much pressure on myself. Oo nga naman, nobody really expects me naman to be a bombshell eh.

Except, of course, me. and also my mother by the way who's been parading me around like i was some beauty queen.

The first thing she tells people when we see them is "look naman at my daughter, she lost so much weight o. maite, raise your shirt and show them your waist."

God, my mom can really be cheap sometimes. i love her so.

what to do when bored? edi answer surveys

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER:	ray
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW:	catch - 22
FAVORITE BOARD GAME:	pictionary
FAVORITE MAGAZINE:	people
FAVORITE SMELLS:	garlic sauteeing (god kaya ko ah!) and cookies baking
COMFORT FOOD:	carbo comfort (rice, potatoes, bread)
FAVORITE SOUNDS:	sizzling foods, chimes and wind howling for some reason
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:	ayyyy..... dont get me started
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING:	these days, i keep waking up to images of french fries in my head
FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE:	mickey dees
FUTURE CHILD'S NAME:	vito, pablo, maya and renata (and yes, i better get a move on if i want to use all four)
FINISH THIS STATEMENT: "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD":	fly. far away from here.
DO YOU DRIVE FAST:	i think i used to
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL:	nope.
STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY:	cool. i love storms.
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR:	well, the car that was assigned to me when i started driving was our green corolla. and then i lost my license and that was that.
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:	red wine
FINISH THIS STATEMENT,'IF I HAD THE TIME, I WOULD LOVE TO':	fly. far away from here. and finish catch - 22
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI:	if its there then yes.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE:	id rather get curls
GLASS HALF-EMPTY OR FULL:	when it comes to food, always half empty. everything else otherwise is half full.
HOW MANY CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN:	2
FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX:	spa
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH:	gymnastics
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED:	stuff
TOILET PAPER/ PAPER TOWEL--OVER OR UNDER:	ahhhh.....
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

the real challenge

This quote stolen from duskwatchers and chockwits blogs, who stole it from jonathan carrol's blog. I just think its worth repeating.

Be the person your dog thinks you are.

Ito na nga ba ang tinatawag nating pag-ibig? 

swedes say the darndest things

tilly naseter was an 11 year old child delegate from sweden in my cisv camp. he was one of the difficult ones cos he threw fits when he didnt get what he wanted. which was pretty often.

one morning during breakfast, i asked him what he had on his toast. he struggled with his answer

"uhm..... MUH-MEEEEH-LAD"

it was, of course, marmalade. (maybe its even your lady - bwa-ha-ha!)

anyhooo...

he sent an email yesterday to our camp's e-group addressed to jackie (jackie is the adult leader of thailand.) this is what he wrote her;

hi jackie!!

how are you??
du you know some1 be'n hort in the sonamy?
my frind are donw ther now on hollyday
hop I see you agine

tilly_sweden

he's just too cute.

im gonna be one of these people watching the clouds soon. im also looking for kasama so let me know if you want also. 

KINAYA BA NAMIN NI MAMU ETO?!? 

speaking of sybil

God ang hirap lang siguro ng buhay nya. 16 personalities man. 16 people living inside one body. Eh me nga lang eh, as far as i know, magisa lang ako dito eh sikip na sikip na ako.

anyway, i will read that book again. after catch 22.

************************************************************

i think i first read the book when i was 15, and given my memory, im sure very corrupted na ang recollection ko of it. but one thing that i think i remember accurately is that, of the 16 personalities, only one can do math.

Si sybil kasi, nung estudyante pa, hindi nya nakayanan ang addition at subtraction. so nanganak ang isang personality na sya ang natututo ng lahat ng mathematical operations. so everytime may kailangan i-add, exit sybil, enter one of her multiple personalities.

at saka, if i remember correctly, sybil had no control of who took over her body because she actually had no idea (at first) that she had different personalities living inside her. i think there was a leader, the strongest personality (i think in her case, the third that came out), who took charge and directed which personality should come out to face a particular situation.

so when a certain identity is in control, what do the other 15 do?

where exactly do they hang?

may group ba nag-ga-gather in the southeast wing of the cerebellum or meron bang grupo na nag ro-road trip sa liver for kicks?

im really gonna read that book again. after catch-22.

YZARC

Note to self:

Ets, you have to stop finding yourself so goddamned entertaining. Cos really, when you're walking down the street by yourself, and you suddenly stop dead in your tracks and just start laughing because there's a private party inside your head - PEOPLE STARE!

sirang plaka

for some reason, been singing this song all day.

uso pa ba ang harana
marahil ikaw ay nagtataka
sino ba 'tong mukhang gago
nagkandarapa sa pagkanta
at sisintonado sa kaba
may'rong dalang mga rosas
suot na may ma-ong na kupas
at naryan pa ang barkada
naka porma naka barong
sa awiting daig pa ang minus one
at sing-along

puno ang langit ng bitwin
at kay lamig pa ng hangin
sa 'yong tingin ako'y nababaliw giliw
at sa awitin kong ito
sana'y maibigan mo
ibubohos ko ang buong puso ko
sa isang munting harana
para sa'yo

di ba parang isang sine
isang pilikulang romantiko
di ba't ikaw ang bidang artista
at ako ang 'yong leading man
sa estoryang nagwawakas
sa pag-ibig na wagas

puno ang langit ng bitwin
at kay lamig pa ng hangin
sa 'yong tingin ako'y nababaliw giliw
at sa awitin kong ito
sana'y maibigan mo
ibubohos ko ang buong puso ko
sa isang munting harana
par sa 'yo

january 29, 2000

the date deserves remembering. except i almost forgot.

oh well. that's life. you come. you go.

the calm before the storm

The past three days have been total chaos for me. i've been running around like a sprinter, answering phone calls 5 at a time, missing meals, etc. etc. You get the drill.

Today, a day before two deadlines which i wont be here to supervise because i will be in Subic, was alarmingly quiet and panic-free. Which, of course, makes me panic more.

The voice of wednesday addams keeps playing over and over in my head....

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

the situation

Yesterday, i had my first meal at 9:30 PM. All i had to sustain me throughout the day was around 15-20 pcs. of peanuts and nothing more. let me say that again - AND NOTHING MORE! i did not even have enough time to finish the whole happy peanuts pack.

Today naman, cornicks instead of peanuts - mga ganon rin - 15 to 20 pcs. Im waiting for culax to have my first meal for the day, which i refuse to have alone cos pity naman ets kung ganon.

hindi na rin siguro tama ito.

there was a moment of silence there...

i was answering a quiz this morning on which member of the endless am i. one of the questions was "where do you live?"

One of the choices and the one i eventually went with was:

I DON'T REMEMBER, BUT I'M SURE IT WAS PRETTY AND HAPPY.

ang ganda non for me man.

postscript: i am DESTRUCTION nga pala

sana i am ingrid bergman nalang

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

my glass is half empty

its the middle of the month na.

which means dalawang linggo ko nang nagagamit ang one-month membership ko sa golds.

which means dalawang linggo nalang tapos wala na sya.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

hey ets, wattup?

Sabi ni God sa bagong taon "hoy, ayan si ets oh, bigyan nyo nga ng gagawin." So eto namang si 2005, since pa-impress pa kasi kabago-bago, sabi nya "opo father. opo."

On my plate now;

1. A centerspread advertorial, half page ad, and an event for the toothpaste brand
2. A 16 page supplement and a week-long event for a federation
3. A communication plan for a company that promises a better life
4. An irate client who wants me to deliver more, more, more.
5. The impossible task of getting a provincial university on the front pages
6. An event for the bank downstairs
7. A freaking team building weekend with the officemates

Not on my plate now;
1. Animal flesh
2. Nicotine

NO TO BREAK-UPS!!!

i dont think i can stand another break-up, even if its not my own.

last week, i found out that couple friends were on the rocks. yesterday, brad and jen split up na rin.

I SAY NO MORE!!!
NO MORE BREAK-UPS!!!
THE PAIN STOPS WITH ME!!!

NO FOOD WITH A FACE

that's essentially what i tell people when they ask me what diet im on now. nothing that walks, flies or swims.

last night was a real test. had dinner with dar (who's here for the holidays from new york), jenni, v, maurits (v's baby), annie and tristan (annie's cute little boy)at this beautiful haven of beautiful things called antonios.

the menu, of course, was beautiful.

lamb chops this, foie gras that, scallops here, prawns there, hayyyyy.......

so when the waiter finally asked me "ma'am, what would your entree be?" (yes, the service, too, was beautiful), i asked him if they had anything that didnt have meat in it. i was secretly crushed when he said they did.

i had the wild mushroom risotto and while it could have used another 5 minutes in the cooker, it was sarap na rin. the salad was delish. as was the soup. the double chocolate souffle, unfortunately, didnt quite come up to par with the rest of the meal.

all in all, it was a dinner that was definitely worth the trip to tagaytay.

*****************************************************************

while i have temporarily given up food with faces (at least for the next two months), i have some qualms about wearing the 'vegetarian' label. I can't quite claim that i am one without feeling like a big-ass poser. kung baga, i am but a foreigner in these green shores but not a citizen......yet.

*****************************************************************

i have also stopped smoking as of jan. 3. As have some of my friends. deesj, adi and even (gasp) jenni.

jenni quitting smoking and me giving up meat (even if its just two months)could be an indication that hell is freezing over as i blog.

conversation fillers

i'm not big on small talk. i'm actually very good at it but its not one of my favorite things in the world.

there are two fall-back conversation pieces that i pull out of my hat when i've had enough talk about what people do for a living.

First, if you were to die tomorrow, what would your last 7 course meal on earth be?

Second, what would you rather win:
- an oscar in your category of choice
- a grammy in your category of choice
- an olympic gold medal in your sport of choice
- an nba championship in any team of your choice (for boys) or Miss Universe
(for girls)
- a presidential election in your country of choice (i only actually added this last saturday when i asked leoy, adi and bachii this question)

i find that these two delightful and entertaining topics can be stretched for as long as necessary.

anyway, my answers:

7 course meal.

okay, im really not sure what comprises a seven course meal so i just made up my combination. also, there is a right here to dictate where the food will be coming from

soup: this fantastic orgasmic beef consomme with some pate-ish jelly-like substance that we had at Chef Landico's place at mona's despedida shindig.

cold appetizer: kilawin na oysters

hot appetizer: gambas from minggoys with bread to wipe the oil and garlic bits off the plate

salad: ceasars salad from the old marios

seafood entree: gigis chilean sea bass from C2

meat entree: my sisters pork adobo (cheap and babaw, i know, but its really the best)

dessert: the bread pudding with orange sorbet from le souffle with the dominican coffee that my tita serves.

Winning things

I would like to be the president of the United States of America. My decision has nothing to do with the west wing and everything to do with the american president. i want to be andrew shephard.

on a lighter note

got this fabulous new year's text from therese last night which she stole from Neil Gaiman:

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And i hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

Aye aye.

jalosjos musmos

i am so bothered.

when i was in law school, a sophomore chick was frantically going around the building gathering signatures for a petition that was to be submitted to malacanang to stop the execution of convicted rapist leo echagaray. she got a very detached and rather icy "NO" when she asked me if i wanted to sign.

leo echagaray raped his 10 year old step daughter. a child who looked up to him and probably considered him as her father. the abuse went beyond physical, it was an abuse of trust and confidence. how will this poor girl ever trust anybody else again if the man who's suppose to be taking care of her violated her.

don't get me wrong. im all for second chances and humane and just punishment. But grown men who rape and torture children should surely be exceptions.

At the risk of sounding like a high and mighty self righteous fuck - I take personal offense that a man who finds satisfaction in bullying a helpless little girl is allowed to breathe the same air i do. Should a beastly thing ever happen to my child or someone i love, i swear to God I am not gonna rest until that man is bleeding pus.

calm blue ocean. calm blue ocean. masyado akong nang-gagalaiti dito.

when i read somewhere this morning that Jalosjos' (another sick mother fucker) mother was appealing to the president for a pardon, i first thought it was appaling and then i thought it was laughable.

i also assumed, of course, that there was no chance in hell that this was going to be granted.

cut to cut to me coming to the office from a meeting and hearing my officemate say "This GMA has really gone crazy. first she lets erap go and now she's considering pardoning jalosjos"

HHUUUWWWWWAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????

apparently, this midget we put into office is thinking about granting him a conditional pardon. what if it were lilu or luli or whatever your daughter's name is that was raped ha?

My god he raped an eleven year old child, eleven!, what is there to think about?

politics is finding its serpentine way again to corrupt what is already a very corrupted philippine justice system. and this midget is probably too weak or too scared to put a stop to it.

i am really so bothered.

I've been to paradise

but, yes, i've never been to me.

while, undeniably, i've been incredibly indulgent of my selfishness and narcissism, i've just realized that i've never really taken time off to enjoy MY company a little more.

that the fact that i constantly, purposely choose to surround myself with friends or family 24/7 tells a lot about how scared i am to be just with myself.

well im gonna spend a little more time with me this year. after all, in the end, I'm all i have anyway so might as well enjoy me.

so this year, i will set out to do things by myself that i've never done before (with my word being fresh and all).

on the list;

1. go to museums
2. lounge at a cafe with a cup of coffee and a good book
3. lunch at a new place and order something i've never eaten before
4. take classes (it might as well be spanish lessons)
5. more yoga
6. watch a play
7. just get on a bus or a ferry and go where it takes me (well right now, i see the bus taking me to san benito farm in batangas - fingers crossed)

hey, if you have any more suggestions, please feel free to add to my list.

the year that was

2004

It was not the best year for most of us.

Mother nature was vindictive this year. Sought retribution for all that man took from her. An eye for an eye she said. Our children for hers. And so 300 and counting were lost in the flashfloods up north. We should have learned our lesson from the 3,000 deaths in Ormoc a decade back. Instead we gambled some more, risking innocent lives that weren't ours to risk. Well, we lost again didnt we?

And while the world celebrated christmas, mother nature, too, put on her dancing shoes and discoed until the earth moved with her. Her score - 8.9 baby, the fourth highest she's gotten thus far. The indonesians did not only lose Suharto this year, they lost hundreds more in the past two days.

Worse, the earthquake produced killer Tsunamis that have hit the coast lines of Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia and 4 other Asian countries killing almost 12,000 people in total. 12,000 souls.

Politics took also an interesting turn this year. Two weeks ago, FPJ left his kingdom of millions kingless. Guised as a sacred ceremony sending off the dead, i watched the circus unfold on TV.

An indignant best friend and opportunistic political ally in the person of a fat duck vowed to keep the fight for justice. His justice: to see his dead friend declared as the rightful winner of the last election and to find a way to finagle his way out of his sorry state now.

A grieving widow who has declared personal war on anyone who has ever thought her husband was a stupid nitwit in the past.

The show was capped by a horse-drawn carriage carrying his coffin that stopped traffic in the city. Make no mistake about it, it was nothing less than a circus and what elvin would have rightly labeled as mass hysteria.

The ukraines have elevated political vendetta to a whole new level, or perhaps brought it back to greek times, as betrayal through poison ate up the good looks of Victor Yuchenko. But the poison has not affected the great man that he is. Good luck to you man. Here's to you changing your world.

The americans have decided that they either really like gwbush or would like to see a sequel to moore's fahrenheit.

On a personal level, this year was a learning experience for me. Found out a lot of things that i never knew about myself before.

Yes, it could have been better. But it could have been much worse too.

So 2005, lets see what you have for us.

am i a cayman crocodile? are you?

according to dr. brady barr, cayman crocodiles are often spared their lives because of their low-grade leather quality.

Put yourself, if you will, in the low-grade leather shoes of the cayman. Its a beautiful saturday and you, exhausted from lunching on your best-friend molly, rest your tired bloated body on the banks of a south american swamp. When, from a distance, you see hunters carrying weapons and tools that you've witnessed hurt many of your kind in the past.

You hear them in conversation. Pointing at something in your direction while excitedly uttering unintelligible sounds. You get on the defensive. You prepare yourself for battle.

And they pass you. They dont even look at you. They surround and capture instead the more-designer-coveted-higher-grade-leather of the australian saltwater crocodile resting a mile from you. (yeah i know, how did an australian crocodile end up in south america right? well, in my blog, anything is possible)

Do you say "thank god im not that pretty!" or do you feel hurt and rejected and let out a big "HMPH!!!"

See, if TV's regular programming is suddenly interrupted by an annoucement that alien life has made contact with earth and will be taking the best of our specie to study and experiment on, I'de be scared of course at first. But then, resigned to my fate, i would head to my bedroom, pack my stuff, and bid my family and friends goodbye.

But what if they dont come for me? Do i get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that im low-grade or do i walk around dazed and confused and hurt and rejected?

What if im just another cayman? Actually, im sure im just another cayman.

How sad naman.

my own personal tragedy today

The only friend i have left in the office is leaving on the 4th of january. He was bound to sooner or later. This company has always been too small for his talent.

But im gonna miss him.

when did i lose it exactly?

im talking about my humanity. i seem to have very little left.

deesj is genuinely affected by all the flash floods up north that left 300 dead. affected enough to feel guilty about the peking duck we had last night. affected enough to organize a group of people to help out.

am i saddened by it? yes.
am i willing to do what i can to help? yes.

but that's it. i dont feel any more than that. i cant offer any more but that.

what is this monster that i have become?

Go fish!

Had a very comfortable and rather lengthy coffee break with deesj yesterday. Discussions, that ranged from sex to christmas shopping to michelle pfeiffer’s monologue in the movie the story of us, inevitably lead to my love life. And why it has been virtually nonexistent for the past three years already.

My god! Has it really been that long? 3 years man! How can that number not shatter any modicum of self-esteem one has? How can that stretch not lead to the gates of self-pity where one is bound to ask “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?”

So peeps, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Lets get straight to it. Im prettier than most people I know. Hell, im willing to bet I’m prettier than most people YOU know. I am also, much to my misfortune and doing, larger than most people. I’ve been told though that size is not necessarily a factor in the laws of attraction. I am inclined to believe that these people are mistaken. But, for my sake, I hope they are not.

I do have the smarts. And, by God as he is my witness, I have the funnies too.

I am entertaining and exciting and stimulating and all that jazz and more.

So, what is wrong with me right?

Am i too loud? I can’t help it if I’ve been blessed with over-reaching nerves that cause my voice to jump a pitch or two higher when excited. And besides, being loud has its own merits. Especially within the hallowed walls of the bedroom (or the sala or the kitchen or the car or the garden.)

Or, maybe, I’ve been sending off a message to the universe that I’m okay being alone for now. So the universe heeds and delivers or, in my case, doesn’t just yet. My client said that I should remove all my solo pictures displayed on my desk cos these pictures is me telling the world “WORLD, LOOK AT ME, IM HAPPY ALONE!” but why ba? Im really cute naman in these pictures eh. Why should I not display them.?

Its not like I’ve been dead these past three years. You know that cliché ‘all good men are either gay or taken.’ Particularly true in my case. Although sometimes I wonder why that is with me. Do I purposely gravitate to the gays and the takens because my unconscious knows that nothing will come out of it thereby keeping me safe and snug in my bed of paranoia and fear. Lets face it, my ass was whupped big time in my last relationship. Can I be blamed if im not too hot to jump in an arena where my ass could be whupped some more?

So anyway, maybe im ready na rin somewhat. Maybe.

FRESH

it took a while to finally pin this word down and commit to it. it is everything i want the next year to be.

so there.

my word for the year i turn 30.

in 2005, let the universe clean me fresh and rid me of all my filth and baggage.

a rebirth of sorts. a beginning.

a blog of appreciation

for leslie and adi.

for keeping me company in what could have a been a very long night.

that party, despite its theme, did not rock at all. but you guys sure as hell did.

mwah.

a trip down memory central

march 8 1993

the day i turned 18.

i just really wanted to keep the celebration quiet and simple. neverring the non-refundable downpayment made to coconut palace where i was to party in a fuck-me-red-geena-davis-oscar gown, i opted instead for a nice, sumptuous dinner with the family at the roma restaurant in manila hotel. that and a trip to hongkong.

that was my plan anyways.

that morning, my tita picked me up to go to the parlor (jesi mendez - hee hee) for hair and make-up which my mother insisted on. she said i should be beautiful on my birthday. i thought i should be too.

the next stop after the parlor was this shop in glorieta that sold only sesame street items. it was my absolute favorite place then although i cant seem to recall now what the store was called. heniways, so there i was, fully made up, checking out sesame street stationaries (yes, stationaries) when elvin and rommel walked in. elvin, who was already an ex at that time, was there to buy me my gift. a gift, of course, that i demanded from him. he loved me then you see and would have given me the moon if i had asked for it.

anyhoo.

after the mall, we went to my titas house where i was to be picked up for dinner. i dont remember what time it was when bobby, my brother, finally came to get me. "We have to go back to the house to get them" he said. "hassle" i think i said.

when we got to the house, all the lights were off. "hindi pa yata sila ready. baba muna tayo" bobby said. "hassle talaga" i thought.

as i walked in the dark sala, fully made-up in a sundress by the way (yes the same sundress that people mistake for a daster in my hat-ching picture), the lights suddenly turn on and a very loud and excited "SURPRISE!!!!" greeted me.

they were all there. my family. my relatives. my good friends from high school (go HIP!) and one good friend from college (UST pa to - only one because i didnt really have friends there eh.) as if that wasnt enough, mongolian grill catered it and, guys, if you are from san agustin batch 92, you know that mongolian grill was the best thing then.

so after all the besos y abrazos that went around, my mother gently pulled me aside and said "go up to your room and change na."

when i entered my room, there, laid out neatly on my bed, was my gown. an hour later, beautiful and beaming, i recieved 18 roses and wishes from relatives and friends. the same people i would have chosen myself if i had a hand in the planning :)

so i didnt get my fancy schamancy dinner. so i didnt get to wear my fuck-me-red gown. so it wasnt all that quiet and simple. i was surrounded by people who loved me enough to take time out to be part of something i will remember forever. and i also got my hongkong na rin :)

that was the day i turned 18.

(tonight i will be attending the debut of a cisv-mate. i hope one day she will look back at it with the same fondness that i feel)

its 9 am

both in my world and jack bauers.

spent 9 hours of my past two days on 24. would have been glad to give more of my time to it too if it werent for work. the fact that i had to watch it on a laptop and earphones didnt seem to affect my viewing pleasure any.

our dvd player is a pretentious fuck. feeling all rich and classy and refusing to play pirated stuff.

sana you're just a SHINCO noh!!! get off your high horse.

the sun is the center of the solar system

i dont deny it. in fact, il even be the first to admit it. im as selfish as selfish can get.

i think that;

1. the world revolves around me
2. things or others do not really exist until i acknowledge that they do
3. i matter above all else

despite that....

i also dont deny and il also be the first to admit that i am as insecure as insecure can get.

i think that;

1. i will never be truly appreciated
2. i live in mediocrity and, therefore, i will die in mediocrity
3. i have the worst, absolute worst, drawings in the world. i also cant sing for shit.

ang thoughts ko kanina sa taxi

running on a treadmill.

thats pretty much my life.

constantly moving
profusely sweating
occasionally hyperventilating

where am i going? NOWHERE!!!

what if i am one of them people who are so deeply rooted, they die exactly as they were born. no better. no worse.

okay. being deeply rooted is actually a quasi-valid, somewhat-acceptable excuse for being stagnant. at least it connotes a firm foundation. but what if you're just plain lazy or scared to actually move forward. or worse, what if you're just too heavy na hindi ka narin carry ng gulong ng palad.

sometimes i really hate cab rides.

and then....

i ate na my sandwich.

now what.

MY GED!!!

ibang klase narin ang pagkabored dito. ibang klase.

klase, aint that a very sosyal person. person, first name sonny. sonny, aint that a brand of a tv and a partner of an ericsson. ericsson, aint that a hardening of a penis. penis, that means the end. tapos na.

you see! you see! SO MOTHER-FUCKING-SAVE-ME-FROM-THIS-DAMNED-OFISINA BORED!!!

oooooh.... my sandwich is here.

SANTA CAN YOU HEAR ME?

MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.



at santa, kung kaya lang naman....

realizations

** yesterday was a really good day for me. wasnt able to understand why until i was telling therese about it at lunch time earlier. Told her about my chat with 'him' and figured out why i felt so good about it after. Kasi while i was chatting with him, i had neither an ounce of bitterness nor an iota of hope in me, just a smile on my face that simply meant it was good to hear from him again.

And THAT is more than a big step. THAT is a closed door. TAH DAH!!!

** i realized that, of all my family and friends, the hardest person i will have to say goodbye to when i leave for spain is larry. just thinking about it now breaks my heart na.

** i will never ever mess with my hair again. i stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself every night waiting for my bangs to grow. cutting it is probably the only thing i regret doing in life. Im sorry tracy.

** the most frustrating thing in the world for me is being helpless at helping. i want to help out more but resources are scarce.

** youth is wasted on the young. money is wasted on the rich. power is wasted on the powerful. and sexy bodies are wasted on the ugly. SOMETIMES.

** i'de rather be decorative.

** i feel like im at the airport lounge, just waiting for my flight to take off. That's how im gonna feel until our boat sails off on december 10. everything from now til then is wait-time, waste-time.