THE KUMARS

I keep on waiting for inspiration to hit so i can write something profound about my india experience. But, truth is, while I'm already starting to feel the magic of the country, it hasnt penetrated my soul just yet. And until it does, I will save any insights and realizations for another day.

In the meantime, I am in the land of Kumars. They look alike, they talk alike, they dress alike, but, no, im glad to say that they dont all smell alike. Some observations;

1. They love to shake their heads when talking.
2. They sure love their eyeliner. Miski meron pa yung from kahapon, papatungan pa rin nila ng bago ngayon.
3. Yung iba sa kanila, kung baga sa charcoal painting, hindi suabe ang blending ng kulay sa mukha nila. Nag ju-jump from dark ash gray to mild tan ang pigments nila ng walang pasabi.

im so sleepy na.

Im in Singapore right now

Airport lang naman. But still, another country.

Made a super stupid request kanina sa Singapore Airlines, I needed to chew something cos we were landing na and my ears were about to explode. So I asked the F.A. for gum.

Mali. Maling-mali. Number 1 enemy nga pala nila yon.

Some theories here

THEORY 1:

7 months ago, while walking to 719 to hang with adi, two men jumped me from behind and did that thing that kung fu peeps do to their kalabans to knock them down cold and raped me under the skyway. They were decent enough to clean me after and fix the 'scene of the crime' to make it seem that I just fainted. They were however not responsible enough to put on a condom.

I then wake up thinking that I did just faint and went on my way.

As a result, I am now 7 months pregnant.

THEORY 2:

When I had the lumps in my armpit taken out years ago, the doctors were not able to remove it completely. The cyst has since fallen from the pits and found new home in my stomach where it bided its time waiting for the day when it will manifest itself as a tumor of hydrocephalic proportions.

That time has come.

THEORY 3:

Again, 7 months ago, strapped for cash and caught in a moment of desperation, I walked the streets of makati av. selling my sex for money. One brave man bought. So I had sex with him, unprotected at that, because I didnt want to waste more money on rubbers.

I was immediately filled with shame and guilt right after that I gave all the money to charity and blocked it from my memory completely.

I am now 7 months pregnant.

THEORY 4:

Immaculate conception and now 7 months pregnant.

THEORY 5:

Kanin. ang daming kanin sa mundo.

*Above are my theories on why my stomach is suddenly the biggest thing on earth.

Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

my geads!!!

Lagi nalang akong gutom. At hindi cute na gutom ha. Talagang "fuck! hwag mo akong kausapin. walang nakakatawa sa mundo as of this point" kind of gutom.

----

Last night, we had our christmas party at the top of the citi. We being jenni, veronica, allan, irene, maebelle, marex, pam, kathleen and myself. An odd mix of people really, each coming from a different psychographics profile.

We have (in no particular order):

an extremely talented but nevertheless neurotic ex-suicidal artist;

a wonderful friend, responsible daughter, glamourous dresser and a devout catholic who shoots up every now and then;

a devoted wife and mother whose hearty laugh can drown all the crying in the world and the passionate photographer who triggers her laughter (and everybody elses);

a director who will show up with angel wings at your birthday just to make you smile and who listens to you with the most fascinated look in his eyes everytime you say something no matter how mundane;

the baby sister of a dear friend who can make a 120 peso ukay dress look like haute couture;

a food fanatic and a frustrated jenni-matchmaker who brought jenni out of her friday-night hibernation;

a fashion designer who i just really met last night but who seems to be a really nice chick;

and, lastly, an overweight vegetarian with a migraine who cannot wrap gifts for shit.

Anyway, although the food wasnt particularly impressive and the view was downright disappointing (the makati skyline pala is really pandak noh?), the company was fabulous and good conversation and laughter flowed abundantly.

So fun times guys. fun times.

TRAVEL!

There. The word is out.

There's a whole lot of world to see. Show me.

Sige na please universe.

I am a vegetarian because I'm afraid aliens might eat me someday

That isn’t how it started of course. I didn’t just wake up one morning and become weird. It took a while.

It began, you see, with a combination of two things; desperation and a book. A book that said ‘hey you blood type A you, vegetable – good, carbs – good, meat – bad.”

And so on January 2, 2005, I summoned the culinary goddess in me and created what was to be my last meat dish – lamb kalderata. I spared nothing. Choice lamb cuts stewed to a creamy-tomatoey-spicy perfection and I had it for breakfast, lunch, merienda, dinner and midnight snack.

I never had anything that walks, swims or flies since.

In fairness to the principle behind the book, I did lose some weight in the first two months. But on the 3rd and 4th month, the extra carbs I took to ease my meatless existence began to take its toll and before I could stop it, I was well on my way to Hipsville, Illinois once again.

I think it was on the 5th month that I had to re-evaluate what I was doing and why exactly I was doing it. You see, before then, when people asked me if I was doing it for animal rights I would answer brusquely “No! The only animal I’m doing this for is this one (sabay turo sa akin.)” But when it became painfully obvious that this animal was no longer benefiting from being a vegetarian, and not eager to jump off it just yet, I had to find another reason.

First, I took the “pity naman the animals” road.

I thought that being a dog-lover would automatically make me an any-kind-of-animal-lover. It does not apparently follow. I googled images of animals being slaughtered and read websites about them being tortured and I waited for the wave of emotion, the overwhelming guilt, the flood of tears to come - none did. I saw them as I always have - juicy pork chops, succulent racks of lamb, melt-in-your-mouth steak.

This was clearly not the route for me.

Then one after, Carmen and I were talking about bigotry and discrimination and that the greatest problem in the world today is man’s blatant lack of respect for everything he does not understand. Cultural, political and religious differences have spurred hostility and hatred because, instead of trying to understand and perhaps even appreciate other beliefs, men focus too much on attacking what is not theirs and defending what is. Man’s innate and unfounded sense of superiority over what he does not understand, that combination of arrogance and stupidity, makes him very dangerous.

It is this same sense of superiority that makes him believe that he is greater than other species. This that gives him the “right” to make a pig’s sole reason for living is be his bacon. A calf is taken right from his mothers womb, restricted to a confined space, force-fed beer and massaged everyday with sake until he is slaughtered and served as kobe. A ridiculous amount of food is pumped into a duck’s or a goose’s stomach through a metal pipe that is shoved down their throats to intentionally make them sick and make their livers swell up to ten times its normal size so we can have our foie gras. (God I miss foie gras)

My point?

Hunting down a baboyramo in the wild to make him adobo is one thing but breeding them specifically for the sole purpose of roasting them or sautéing their liver is another.

Here is where I get a little weird.

Just because I do not understand a cow’s moo or a duck’s quack doesn’t mean I have the right to quarantine them to keep their meat tender to the bite, feed them not what tastes good to them but what would make them taste good to me, and decide when they will be butchered.

They have as much right to life as I do. And, more importantly, they have a right to the same quality of life that every living creature should enjoy.

Here is where I get a lot weird.

Kasi what if aliens come to our planet one day and see these cute little earthlings whose tagalog sounds a bit like quacking to them, what will stop them from fattening us up and have our kidneys for lunch.

And so, hoping that aliens will allot me the same degree of respect I give other creatures, I remain a vegetarian.

the long weekend that was

Friday: Rika's wedding
Although i was extremely happy for rika, i was really dreading this day. My god you should have seen the gown. It scared the shit out of me and everyone else who had the gift of sight that night.

Anyway, we god to the church just in time. As in "may we call on the veil sponsors maite and someone."

Saturday: The exorcism of the chocolate buffet

Saw this very delightful film with the chums called the exorcism of emily rose. For me, it s right up there with million dollar baby as the fun movie of the year.

Anyway, niv and i were talking about how this poor actress who played emily will probably never get a decent movie offer again (Linda Blair syndrome) Except, of course, kung spoof ang usapan. In which case baka pwedeng...

THE EXORCISM OF EMILY'S ROSE

It can be about a botanist who creates a new rose hybrid na napo-possess ng ibang floral elements.

After the movie, we went to pen for some chocolate buffet. i did not enjoy that.

Sunday: nagpakataba lang ako

Monday: Go go RP Let's go!

I went to the Marikina stadium to support the RP team chick soccer team for SEA Games. May pagkabanban po. 5-1 po ang score natin vs. vietnam. malungkot po ang mga pangyayari.

I AM A PAWIKANEER!

For over 200 million years, she’s lived through natural disasters and man's insatiable thirst for accessories, aphrodisiacs and gastronomic delicacies. How narcissistic and ambitious of me to think they need me to keep on surviving.

Take also the following into account;

1. We live in a third world country where more than 90% of our people are hungry.
2. Our forests are balding faster than my boss. And
3. The threat of nuclear war is clear and imminent (been watching too many seasons of 24 haven’t I?)

How presumptuous of us to take on a concern that is so first-world such as turtle care.

But everyone and everything needs a champion. And God knows man has championed less worthy causes like womens right to vote and freedom from slavery (hee hee, just kidding.) Anyway, they’re not naman kasi asking for much. Just for you not to wear her or eat her children. And, of course, for you to tell everyone you know and their sons the same thing. So carry na naman diba?

Anyway, Im wearing the title 'PAWIKANEER' proudly because… well because I came up with it.

Photo opps are, of course, always an added bonus.

FELIZ NAVIDAD!

Wow! I'm actually looking forward to christmas this year.

To sleep, perchance to dream

It's funny how dreaming about someone can completely, though sometimes momentarily, alter the way you see that person.

I remember waking up one morning absolutely furius with joel only to realize two days later that it was because of something he did in a dream.

Yesterday, also because of a dream, i was floating on cloud 9, crushing on a man i hardly know and whose face i barely even remember.

Last night was dreamless. So today I am crushless.

Fuck. So fun pa naman to be kilig.

hello telephone

damang dama ko na na bilang na ang mga araw ng aking telepono. so, next week i will have it repaired na cos sometimes i just really want to be heard naman eh. so eto na muna ang mga favorite pictures from my phone na feeling ko mabubura when i have it fixed.

ang naglaho ng parang bula

how pretty my sister noh?

my cuteness

mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest flower of all?

compulsive eater

beautiful monster

i love my daffodils

young and very handsome, full of lovely things to say

my princess

my pretty therese


nice one leoy

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"

Thank you Jean Kerr for saying it. And thank you therese for quoting it.

ika nga ni baz

Sorry but i just crawled out from under a rock and heard this wonderful thing from Baz Luhrman. And since I don't trust either my fallible memory or my common sense to remember to pass this on to my children someday, i am putting it on record here.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

God this is so true!

Face it. Curiosity
will not cause us to die--
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or that improbable country
where living is an idyll
(although a probable hell)
would kill us all.

Only the curious have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all.

From Alastair Reid

sana lesbiana-in-the-closet na rin ako

Kasi imagine, when i ladlad myself, ang saya lang siguro non. Parang rebirth.

Im gonna dress up in macho stuff if I choose to or I can remain to be of the lipstick variety. And then i can make porma to girls. Riya i will marry in vermont, Therese I will definitely boink ;) Or maybe i can finally give edessa a call. And also, the banyo, locker room or steam room experience will be completely different and undoutedly more interesting.

Eh ngayon, eto na to. Babae ako. sucks.

Sana may brain talyer...

Kasi kailangan ko na talaga ipatune-up ang akin.

Last saturday, i turned on the tv and caught magandang gabi bayan's horror episode and my first thought was really "huh. bakit horror na eh hindi pa naman holy week?"

Dear Madam,

Sa sampung porsyento pa pong idadagdag ninyo sa nagtataasan nangang presyo ng mga bilihin, maraming salamat po. Maraming salamat po sa pagkakataong ibinibigay ninyo sa akin upang makatulong sa bayan para makapagipon tayo at makabayad sa ating mga utang. Alam ko po kasing hindi pa sapat ang trenta porsyentong ina-awas sa sweldo ko at ang naunang 10% na pinapatong sa bilihin kaya naman pong laking tuwa ko nung malaman kong i-e-extend pa ang maari kong maitulong. Kasi naisip ko na hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon na makatulong sa bayan. Katulad na lamang nung isang bilyonaryong beho na hindi ipinagbayad ng buwis. Kawawa naman sya - hindi sya pinagpala katulad naming inuumaga na madalas sa pagtratrabaho.

Simula po nang kayo ay naupo bilang pinuno ng ating bansa ay nakahiram na po kayo ng higit na salapi sa pinagsamang nahiram ng dalawang presidenteng sinundan nyo, ang swerte talaga namin at napakagaling nyong ekonomista. Pero ang higit na mas maswerte ay ang daang-daang nakatira sa payatas dahil simula nung tumuntong kayo sa posisyon ay mas may pinagpipilian na silang pagkain ngayon. Dati kasi, sardinas lang po ang lagi nilang kinakain sa araw-araw na ginawa ng dyos. Pero ngayon po ay hindi na paulit-ulit ang kinakain nila. Kung lunes ay patis ang ulam nila, sa martes naman po ay toyo at sa miyerkules ay asin.

Ang himbing siguro ng tulog ninyo sa gabi dahil alam ninyong ang dami nyong natutulungan.

***************************************************************

I saw you on TV last week defending the passing of the extended-VAT. You stood there (or you might have been sitting down - i dont know how big a difference that would make anyhow), and you stared straight into the camera (as, no doubt, your consultants have trained you to do) and you told every Filipino who had nothing better to do than watch you that night how this EVAT will benefit us all in the long-run as it will be use for servicing our debt and improving the lives of every Filipino. You told us that it is the only way to do this. That making me part with more of my hard-earned money is the only way to do this.

Excuse me ma'am, and please correct me if I am wrong for I am but a lowly middle-class citizen with no economics degree to back me up, but wouldn't it be better if, instead of passing this EVAT, you go after the millionaires who refuse to pay their taxes. I'm sure you can talk to them easily since most of them are your friends. Maybe that's a better first step than this.

Or hey, how about taking a little from the pork barrel you reward your pet pigs. Or, at the very least, making sure that they spend it well, to the benefit of all citizens and not just the people in your favor. How's that for plan b.

Madame, I am pass wanting you out of office. For me, that option was taken off the table the day the congressmen you bought on sale threw your impeachment case out the window. And I do not want your resignation. Resignation is far too graceful an exit for a cheater stupid enough to get caught to take. So I will not march the streets of Edsa or carry a "Resign" sign in Mendiola. I will demand from you something far more difficult than your resignation. I want you to right what is wrong. You have always claimed to be upright and decent and moral, please rectify your errors now. I don't expect miracles from you madam president, just take concrete steps to lead us to the right direction. And I promise you, I will do what is necessary as a citizen to help you raise this country from the mire.

We were once great. We were once the envy of our neighbors. We were once the promise of Asia. Unfortunately, I never got to see that day but I hope I'll still be here when it comes back.

Salamat po.

ets

P.S. Please coordinate with gigi re lunal removal. Might increase likebility factor.

CALLING A SPADE A SPADE (i mean, come fucking on)

A couple of months back, Dove launched its latest campaign that aimed to redefine our concept of beauty. An ambitious feat considering it has to erase years and years of hollywood brainwashing and societal fat-bashing. Sadly, its been centuries since songs have been sung about women my size. If I wasnt so much attached to cable and paracetamols, I would definitely take the first flight back to the rennaisance where men would fight over me (and jenni and gigi and mamu) and the kate moss's of this world would be the ones with the "great personality."

But as it is, I live in a world where the extra larges have it. And they have it at a whopping 69% baby. And so do the flats, the agings, the boys and the ugly spots. Visit this site to see how they clobbered the extra sexys, flatterys, ageless, babes and beauty spots.

I wonder if the peeps who brought the worldwide campaign to the Philippines are knocking themselves in the head with their precious soap bar.

See, here is where i think their campaign is flawed.

They are riding on the very same mindset they are trying to change. In other words, they are eating their own tail. All they're doing really is replacing old labels with new, sugarcoated ones when what they should be doing is scrapping them altogether. Fuck extra-large or extra-sexy, screw flat or flattery, what you really ought to ask is 'is she or is she not beautiful anyways whether you see her as aging or ageless.'

Because you know, it is entirely possible to be beautiful and extra-large at the same time. It is completely within the realm of possibility to be freckled/blemished and beautiful too.

I am a fat girl. I always say this to anyone who would listen. And I say it for one reason and one reason only, because it's true. And I don't get offended when people call me fat (I mean dont get me wrong, I wish I weren't as fat as I am,) but I am eh.

What does bother me is that when I tell people that I am fat, they give me this look as if I had just insulted myself. This look is immediately followed by "no, don't say that." But why? What's wrong with being fat. What's wrong with acknowledging that I am fat? It doesnt mean that I'm insecure because I'll be the first one to tell you without my eyes blinking that fat as I am, by God I am beautiful.

So, if it were up to me, this is how I would run this.

the groove is in the house

god bless your heart chum. claude's blog

unearthing such lovely treasures

Last night, given insomnia and lack of cable in my life, i decided to look through my letter box which contains, well, letters (duh?) from friends, family and lovers (naks - lovers.)

So i found this letter written by gigi dated November 23, 1993. The letter contained a really short essay she wrote about me. Here it is.

THE PRETTIEST FAT LADY

There's this ultimately fat young lady at the early age of 18. She was so fat that she has to lie down when buttoning up her BIG brother's jeans. She was also very sloppy and never cared for how she looked. She would eat like she has never eaten before. But nevertheless, this fat young lady was so pretty and had a face that could brighten up the gloomiest day. She doesnt realize this. But of course we still cannot deny that she is still ultimately, overall, over the top FAT.

god ang bait ni gigi ah.

heartbreak is a bitch

Listening to him tell his story, I was brought back to a time and a place I would willingly give up my liver for to forget. Fuck it, take my knees na rin.

Fact is, heartbreak is nowhere near world hunger or a nuclear war threat in the hierarchy of things that should keep us up at night. But there it is, the bitch that breaks the strongest, dupes the wisest and spoils the sweetest. The one thing science will never find a cure for. The monster we can never run fast enough from. The pain no amount of alcohol or drugs can drown.

I’ve been there enough times to know that nothing I can say or do will help much. I can make you laugh now until your sides split but tonight all you will remember is that you will wake up tomorrow to another day without her.

So lets skip the pleasantries – I’m sure you’ve heard enough of them already. Let’s talk about what we both already know. This is gonna hurt like a 48-hour labor. And its gonna hurt tonight as much as it did this morning. And it’s gonna hurt as much as soon as you sober up. And its gonna hurt anyways despite the thorough analysis of all the probable whys and hows.

It’s gonna hurt as much until it hurts just a little less. Its gonna hurt until it doesn’t anymore. Fact is, Its not gonna stop until it does. When that’s gonna happen is really up in the air. We can fool ourselves into believing that we can make it stop – but we really cant. We are completely at its mercy and all we can do is hope that it will be better tomorrow. Ika nga, hindi eto madadaan sa determinasyon.

But let me tell you something I’m sure you already know, and please forgive me for borrowing a truth that Hollywood has made a cliché – this too shall pass. Either we forgive or we forget, or if we’re really lucky we do both. Forget the hurt and the anger and bitterness. Forgive them for causing us pain. Forgive ourselves for not trying hard enough or trying too hard.

But until then… like this na muna your heart.

what if this is really as good as it gets?

Following a great weekend, i am suddenly paralyzed, scared shitless, by a thought that kept me up until two in the morning.

"What if I've already lived the best years of my life?"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." Thoreau

I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

savories*beefpotpie*chickenpotpie*lambkaldereta*binagoonganbaboy*
vegetarianlasagna*moussaka*vegetarianshepherdspie*
sweets*rhumbutterloaf*chocolatechipcookies*oatmealraisincookies*
flourlesschocolatecake*

all to die for.
all available.
all compulsive eater-recommended.

********************************************************************

hey, please order stuff from me. i want to lipo my thighs eh.

so sad

heard this song for the first time last night and it really really made me sad.

Tell me on a Sunday

Don't write a letter when you want to leave
Don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment
I'd like to choose how I hear the news
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Let me down easy
No big song and dance
No long faces, no long looks
No deep conversation
I know the way we should spend that day
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to know who's to blame
It won't help knowing
Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going


Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going
Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye


Don't run off in the pouring rain
Don't call me as they call your plane
Take the hurt out of all the pain
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

this is really my therapy

If you were to create the sountrack of your life, this would be the song playing when you are...

Lonely or down:
Everybody hurts by REM

In love:
La vie en rose by louis armstrong

Fighting with your significant other:
carmina burana (hahahahhahaha)

Having sex:
Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye


Nursing a broken heart:
In the wee small hours of the morning from the OST of sleepless in seattle

In need of cheering up:
what a wonderful world by louis armstrong

About to embark on a road trip:
Blister in the sun by violent femmes

Sunbathing on a tropical beach:
Nos Braços De Isabel from the OST of Woman on Top

Feeling groggy and need to wake up:
Xanadu by Olivia Newton John

Feeling suicidal:
The End by the Doors

Angry, very angry:
i wanna be sedated
by the ramones



Singing at the videoke bar:
Me and my bobby mcgee - janis joplin

Dancing by yourself in your room:
Ray of light - Madonna

Singing, dancing and drunk off your ass:
Ray of Light - Madonna

Playing air guitar:
Smooth - Santana and Rob Thomas

Just chilling out on a rainy day:
It's a beautiful day - U2

Reminiscing about your highschool years:
Set adrift on memory bliss - PM Dawn
All 4 love - color me badd

Reminiscing about your college years:

Ang Himig Natin
ang iyong awitin
upang tayo'y
magsama-sama

Getting married:
La vie en rose - louis armstrong

stolen from the birthday boy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DODO! MWAH!

and here's something i ripped off from your blog.

Three Names I Go By:
1. Maite
2. Ets (and its derivatives; ettie, etlers, ste)
3. Goddess

Three Physical Things I Like About Myself:

God! aabot ba to ng 3?

1. eyes
2. collarbone (which, by the way, just recently made its FIRST EVER appearance)
3. kilay (when its properly shaped by threading experts)

Three Physical Things I Don't Like About Myself
1. hips / thighs
2. my short short legs
3. HAIR HERE. HAIR THERE. HAIR FOREVER EVERYWHERE.

Three Things I Like About Myself
1. Delusional
2. Detached
3. Strong

Three Things I Don't Like About Myself
1. Delusional
2. Detached
3. Weak

Three Things That Scare Me
1. Bungi (losing my teeth)
2. Osteoporosis
3. Alzheimers

Three of My Everyday Essentials
1. laughter
2. carbs
3. gym

Three of My Favorite Musical Artists:
1. Louis Armstrong
2. Madonna
3. U2 (i just realized, thanks to limewire, that i really love them)

Three of My Favorite Songs:
1. La vie en rose
2. Its a beautiful day
3. Everybody hurts

Three Things You Want In A Relationship:
1. Laughter (barrels and barrels of it)
2. French kissing in the rain
3. Great conversations

Three Lies & Truths In No Particular Order:

Lies:

1. It gets better I promise.
2. Hwag mo nalang isipin (shar!)
3. You're not fat. There's just more of you to love. SHAR!!!

Truths:
1. It gets better I promise.
2. Happiness is a command decision.
3. So is love.

Three Physical Things About The Opposite Sex That Attract Me:
1. face
2. upper body
3. lower body

Three of My Favorite Hobbies:
1. Laughing
2. Sweating
3. Procrastinating

Three Things I Want To Do Badly Now:
1. go
2. somewhere
3. else

Three Careers I'm Considering/I've Considered:
1. chef
2. tv host (i seriously think i can do this)
3. is being a doctor's wife a career?

Three Places I Want To Go On Vacation:
1. Italy
2. Egypt
3. Amsterdam


Three Things I Want To Do before I Die:
1. Bungee jump
2. Climb a mountain (And im not talking metaphors)
3. Wear a size two

Three Ways I Am Stereotypically A Boy:
1. I can be an asshole.
2. I can be scum.
3. I am hairy.

Three Ways I Am Stereotypically A Girl:
1. I can be fickle
2. I love romantic comedies
3. I over analyze every thought, every action, every word until what I'm left with is nowhere near what was.

Three Celebrity Crushes:

1. Bo Bice
2. Colin Firth
3. Hugh Grant

kaya pala ganito ako

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 50% Schizoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||| 34% Borderline |||||||||||| 50% Histrionic |||||||||| 34% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Dependent |||||||||| 38% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

HIGHEST - SCHIZOTYPAL - 74%

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

LOWEST - OC - 22%

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

ISANG PAGHIHIMAGSIK LABAN SA MGA DAYUHAN SA NGALAN NG BAWAT PILIPINO!

Meron akong bagong mga kaibigan na mula sa isang bansa na itago nalang natin sa pangalang 'bonjour.' Kagabi ay inimbita nila kami sa kanilang tahanan para maghapunan. At doon, sa kanyang lamesa ay nagisnan namin ang isang diksyonaryo na nagsasalit ng mga salitang bonjour sa pilipino na nabili nya sa kanyang bansa.

Ang tawag sa diksyonary ay 'Le tagalog' de poche at sa kover nya ay isang drawing ng, sa tingin nila, ay isang pilipino.

Eto po sya.




Eto po ang ilang sa aking mga katanungan ng nakita ko ang nasabing drawing;

1. Saan ko po kaya naiwan ang aking mga sapatos?
2. Bakit ko suot sa ulo ko ang bowl ni slugger?
3. Pagsinabi kong nakatira ako sa camagong UPS2, ang ibig ko bang sabihin ay ang kalye o ang puno?
4. Mahilig nga ba akong kumain ng saging talaga?
5. Magkano kaya ang binayad sa akin ng disney nang ginampanan ko ang role na abu sa pelikulang aladdin?


************************************************

Eto pa.

Pagkabuklat ko netong maliit at manipis na diksyonary, nakita ko na pinili talaga nilang i-translate ang mga "importanteng" pangungusap na sa tingin nila ay magagamit madalas dito sa atin.

Eto po ang aking top 5 sa translations;

1. Maraming lamok dito!
2. Pwede bang pakipatahimikin mo iyong aso?
3. Pwede bang gawan mo ng paraan ang tungkol sa baho?
4. Pwede bang iharap mo ang iyong baril sa ibang lugar?

at ang aking paborito

5. Pwede bang pakilagyan mo ng orinola sa kuwarto ko?

Dyos ko, ganito ba ang tingin nila sa atin?

******************************************8

At sa ibang dako, kinwento naman sa akin ni carmen na ang argentinian ex nya ay nakabili rin ng isang spanish to tagalog diksyonary na kung saan isa sa mga pangungusap na trinanslate ay;

"pakiayos po ang aking kilay."

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

To my marc and her christian...

It was a beautiful wedding on a hot humid day. And while her bridesmaids (this one in particular) contributed 7% to the worlds oil production that day, she remained beaming and lovely and oh-so-happy in the arms of the man who vowed to hold her and love her forever.

THE MEN IN MY LIFE

Despite the blatant lack of that ONE man in my life, I have to say that I’ve been pretty blessed with the men that surround me everyday. This was my epiphany last night. So this morning, I would like to celebrate these men who are slowly restoring my faith in the non-scumness of their gender.

My family;

1. My daddy

who, apparently, has been getting computer lessons from my sister and has been building his “papa” folder on itunes on his own. Last Sunday, I checked what my pop had on his playlist. And there, hidden amidst the expected gypsy kings and Santana collection, was the makabagbagdaming

No no no no
Don’t phunk with my heart

Apparently, my daddy is big big fan of this black eyed peas hit.

2. Bobby

Why I don’t watch more of his gigs is a mystery to me. Ahhhh… maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t have a car noh?

Anyhoo, he’s really really good. And he sings “Mary had a little lamb” with so much soul it makes me want to erase the kiddie version from the memory of the world.

3. Pats

I’ve always thought that he was the most generous among us cos he always brings home food and stuff for us.

When I got home the other night at 2 in the morning, I found his key to our front door resting in the keyhole of our front door. You know, to make it easier for the thieves to rob us. That’s how generous he is eh.

4. Michael

Who wakes up in the middle of the night to make kumut pats. Who will greet me with the biggest smile on his face everytime I go home. He’s really an angel. And he just turned 24 yesterday.

God I love him so much.

My chums; (in alphabetical order)

1. Adi

If I had to pick a favorite – he would be it. I have to say, his sarcastic funnyness, combined with impeccable, adorable delivery, never fails to bring the house down! Well, mine and tracy’s houses anyway.

I read somewhere one time that you know you’re with a real friend when you can spend a long time with them without saying a word and leave feeling like you’ve just had the best conversation of your life.

Adi is one of the few peeps that make me feel that way.

2. Bachii

For helping me appreciate the beauty in normalcy.
For making me realize that fun times aren’t lost in systems analysts who make the most dependable friends.
And, most importantly,
For introducing curry to my eggs.

I will be perpetually grateful.

3. Drach

Who, I just realized yesterday, I can rely on for serious discussions about life and such at odd times. And who expands my vocabulary through his random usage of big words like verisimilitude and picaresque.

4. Leoy

Who insists on calling me at the busiest of hours to make me listen to songs that he “composed.” Who gives the best mind-blowing lightshows on earth. Who will always be, despite my repeated public denial, my handsomest friend.

5. Niv

Who is probably the most grounded man I know and who has the amazing gift of making it seem that happiness can be so effortlessly achieved.

Miscellaneous;

1. My boss who is my very own dark angel.
2. My assistant who is the newest soul on the block.
3. Ryan E. – hahaahahahahahaahahahahahhahaah! No seriously, ryan e. just for being so fucking gorgeous.

im really a gaya gaya

Seven things that scare you:

1. losing my teeth
2. alzheimers
3. osteoporosis
4. outliving my family
5. ghostlers
6. deathler
7. being forgotten as soon as i leave the room or die

Seven things you like the most:

1. Rainy days
2. a tall cold glass of fresh milk
3. laughing
4. sweating
5. good hair days
5. big dogs
6. small dogs
7. forehead kisses

Seven important things in your room:

1. my sister
2. my books
3. my banyo
4. sesame street collection
5. my letter box
6. pictures
7. my turtlenecks

Seven random facts about you:

1. I am as hairy as a baboon.
2. I have the memory of dory.
3. I can live on starch alone.
4. I can make uu at will.
5. There's always a party inside my head.
6. My hips are bigger than manhattan.
7. I make a fabulous rhum cake

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. sicily, sorento, venice, florence, barcelona, egypt
2. bungee jump
3. fuck on a motorcycle
4. sex with a chick (curiousity more than preference)
5. go on a cruise with my family
6. write a book or a script
7. eat meat again

Seven things you can do:

1. lie outrageously
2. host childrens party
3. a jab, straight and left hook combo
4. apparently, i can draw ambo and monster
5. find order in chaos
6. organize fun indoor games
7. stuff

Seven things you can't do:

1. bluff
2. swim
3. ride a bike
4. give up carbs
5. put on blush properly
6. keep my desk organized
7. stuff

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. men who look, smell, feel and act like men (androginity is not my thing)
2. funny! fanny! phanny!
3. wit wit witty
4. i love men who sweat yummily
5. can cook
6. can sing or dance or both
7. masarap kumain

Seven things you say the most:

1. Gads
2. I'm so busog!!!
3. I'm so gutom!!!
4. Hay
5. That's true
6. Ulol!
7. I'm so fat talaga!

Seven celeb crushes (local or foreign)

1. Bo Bice
2. Colin firth
3. Hugh Grant
4. Reynaldo Gianechinni (that yummy yummy man i posted two or three blogs down)
5. Piolo Pascual
6. Raymond Bagatsing
7. Angelina Jolie

Blame it on the vowel

MUSH ALERT!!!
(pasensya na. tao lang)


The problem with the vowel is that it forces you into realizations that beat self-delusion to a pulp. And so you find yourself alone in the living room, having a conversation with a doogie on a monday night.

I've pretty much accepted the possiblity that i will probably end up alone. I'm really okay na with that.

But what i've come to realize on that blasted monday night is that no matter how equipped i am to handle the bigger 'stuff', it's really the small things that break me.

- Like not having someone to watch a stupid movie with because they have no other choice but to keep me company.

- Or not having someone to lounge around the house with on a rainy sunday afternoon.

- Or those silly private jokes that no one else understands and appreciates.

- Or someone whose voice suddenly springs to life when they get your call at 3 in the morning just to say hi.

- Or text messages that mean nothing ang everything at the same time.

Yan. The small things. Silent but deadly.

hi

it's 4am and im still here with no sign of work ending really soon. which means one of two things;

1. i dont have time na talaga to go home so i will have to either go to jennis or 719 to take a quick nap before i have to be back here at 9 tomorrow. ay, later pala. 719 is closer but jenni's is priority because she has a heater. it really depends right now on the person who's gonna drop me off.

this also means that pats will have to drop off my clothes tomorrow. ay, later pala.

hassle pare.

2. Or - i really wont leave nalang this office talaga and just go to the gym to take a bath tomorrow. ay, later pala.

But really as of this point, i just really want to make u.u. naman.

GOD SARAP! 

I am a gaya-gaya :-)

From chockwit to duskwatcher to me.

Write 15 statements anonymous to people on your friends list and then pick 5 people to do this as well.

- You make me prouder everyday.

- I love you more than your momma.

- Someday, when you're ready, i will hold your hand and watch regine concerts with you.

- Ika nga ng kanta "And I'm doing just fine. Getting along very well...."

- You seriously deserve someone better. like me :)

- I would gladly be an old maid if you'll be one with me.

- You will find someone fabulous to love and who will love you fabulously.

- It's really up to you. Eitherway, you'll have to find happiness in the choices you make.

- Enough. Enough now.

- You should try to make her happier. She deserves to be happier.

- The key to a more relaxed life is to loosen your bra straps :)

- You're truly my favorite person in the whole wide world miski you repeatedly lied to me before. mwah.

- Next to my mother, you are my 'contact in case of emergency' person and i love you to bits.

- I miss you naman eh.

- It gets better. I promise :)

***************************************************************************

it's really up to you.

oooh.. me too. me too.

You are Coraline! You are quirky, strange, and
charming. Some people may find you a little
alarming and not always get you... But they can
piss off, right? You are the kind of person who
always needs to be entertained, otherwise you
get uncomfortable. You probably still enjoy
everything you did when you were little, such
as childrens books and Disney movies. Youre fun
to be around and are usually the life of the
party.


*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

thanks therese. i now know myself better because of you :)

LSS

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?"

Jeff Buckley
You are Jeff Buckley! You're influential to many young and old, and very talented. You have charisma and grace that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1997 from a drug-induced drowning in the Mississippi River.

my newest mantra

okay its not exactly new. i've said it before but i never got around to practicing it. but yesterday i realized after i had two bites of that stupid honey cake after snarfing an entire bag of flaming hot cheetos that most of the stuff i ingest aint worth ingesting at all.

so, from this day on, as God is my witness, i promise to never again, for as long as i can help it, eat mediocre food and that every pound and every inch that i gain will be worth gaining.

WHAT IS NOT WORTH EATING A LOT OF IS NOT WORTH EATING AT ALL!

WOW!!!

Today, i had lunch with 13 mountain climbers who will devote the next three years of their lives in training to do what has never been done EVER before - plant the Philippine flag at the summit of Mt. Everest in 2007.

WOW!!!

hurry before it spoils

Is the world wide web ready for her neurosis and her absolutely amusing gibberish? i think so.

To know and love her the way i do, www.perishables.blogspot.com

welcome sweetie.

change is good

if they were to ask me, here is what i have to say;

Guys, we've had a good run. Four years aint bad at all. I was there for the first 18 months of the relationship and i am here for the last couple more and, all in all, i would say that it was all good. But the time has come to reconsider this relationship. I know you have been thinking about it for a while now and maybe you should know that we have been too and the truth is maybe, at this point, we both would be better off finding someone new.

But, let me say this, as difficult as it had been (especially in the beginning cos now i really don't care anymore), it was still a pleasure working with all of you.

And thats what matters really. Its never the fact that it ended, because all things end eventually, but its really everything you got from it that made you better. For me, the best thing was meeting a man i can never have unless he gets divorced/annulled or is an infidel.

Please god let him be an infidel. Kidding kidding.

huuuuu..... kidding.

Kidding nga eh.

(God, i should really control these voices in my head)

I really love slugger now noh. But carolina was, and will always be, my princess. And for some reason, i miss her today more than ever. This picture was taken the day before she died. Ang taba ko lang sa picture na to noh pero never - ang ganda nya lang eh. 

is it a sign? is it a sign?

okay, so i finally decided, and with permission from mamu and trucs, to make a move.

but my prop - my one and only prop - is not in stock anywhere.

so hwag na?

pumapatak patak patak patak......

And while i love the rain like anything, i really prefer it outdoors.

how class talaga my office.

my mamushika

It was probably only the 2nd time i hung out with her. We were all having dinner at pio pazzo when i finally felt comfortable enough to tell her the truth about my "relationship." It wasnt the easiest thing to do mind you. It was like pulling teeth --- pahirapan talaga. But several tissue exchanges later, she finally found out.

And that night, despite the fact that i hardly knew her really, I decided that she was going to be my good friend.

You see, when you meet someone as amazing as she is, you don't leave the fate of your friendship up to chance. You take control, look her in the eye and tell her "mamu, lets be close!"

And now she's my mamushika.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

why i am not a writer

I wanted to be one until mamu (bless her trusting heart) gave me an assignment to write about this tomboy turned chick. This (copied below) was the first draft i submitted. It still went through some revisions before it was printed.

LIVING STRAIGHT

“I was in second year high school when I started courting this girl. I would send her love letters, give her gifts, spend all recess and lunch breaks with her – your basic ligaw moves,” Sam shares. “But then I got confused. I started thinking if she was what I really wanted. I decided she wasn’t and so I stopped – just like that.”

No surprises here really. This is how most high school romances end anyway and we all know that this is how most boys would choose to end it – just stop cold, no warning, no tips, no heads up. At some point, we girls have found ourselves looking through a glass window on a rainy day listening to sappy songs wondering “Why isn’t he writing me anymore? Why isn’t he calling? What did I do wrong?”

Sam’s story however is not your usual run of the mill boy-fizzling-out story. She actually went through a thorough self-reflection before she stopped writing those letters. Nope. Those were not typos. Sam is a she. A chick. A sister. One of us. And a beautiful member of the fold at that.

“It was a confusing time,” she explains. “High school was different and I didn’t really know who I was yet.”

It was the shift from a co-ed grade school to an exclusive girls high school that rattled Sam’s world. She grew up like most of us did. Hating boys and, yet, somehow fascinated by them. She had her share of crushes. Actually, she confides to having more than her share of crushes. Being young still though (nene pa), she never gave any of them serious thought.

High school for her, on the other hand, was a completely new playing field. For the young and highly impressionable, the littlest of influences can totally rock one’s self identity, if not alter it altogether. And this was exactly the kind of situation Sam found herself in.

“There were two sets of girls in high school,” she tells us. “There were the girly-girly, kikay girls who were so into their hair and dressing up. Then there were the tomboys. The ones who had their hair cut like a guy, who dressed in baggy pants and loose shirts,” she expounds.

Its easy to understand how a girl who neither falls into one of these two extremes can get confused. High school, its been said more than once, is a survival zone. You can’t afford to be neutral. The ‘loser’ label will be cast on anyone who stands out and not being in a group will definitely make one stand out. In an all-girl school, the divide is more apparent. If one were to survive high school, one must choose which group they belong to and commit themselves to it.

Although Sam wasn’t entirely sure who she was yet, she knew exactly who she wasn’t. She wasn’t one to spend an hour fixing her hair. She wasn’t one who would lose sleep over a zit. She wasn’t one to wear skirts and tight-fitting shirts. The decision seemed obvious, she belonged to the tomboy category.

She had her first crush on a girl when she was a freshman. She was a member of the school theatre group and so was she. They spent a lot of time together during meetings, rehearsals and get-togethers and she found herself being drawn to the nice junior whom everybody liked. But nothing resulted from this crush except a casual friendship.

It did start something though. From then on, she, and her other friends, started having crushes on this girl or that but it was pretty much just talk until her sophomore year.

It was a girl from another class, also a tomboy, who pretty much made Sam take her first steps towards that direction. She had a crush on her, she admits that much, but she wasn’t prepared to take any further steps. Her friends, however, thought differently.

“I was pressured to court her,” Sam confesses. “My friends, despite my hesitation, encouraged me to go for her.” And so started the love letters and sweet gifts. “I would pick her up from her class and we would take our breaks together. That sort of thing,” she adds.

One day though, the truth became harder to ignore. “I really thought about it and I decided that it just wasn’t right for me.”

Making the decision to stop courting the girl was easier than making the decision to start ‘becoming’ a girl. After all, being a tomboy was the only life she knew and all around her were friends in the same boat.

On her junior year in high school, life decided to give her a little twist to help her think clearly. What she thought would be a simple appendectomy turned out to be something more serious. They found a huge cyst in her right ovary. At such a young age, she was faced with the thought that do not usually hit women until their late twenties – what if I won’t be able to have kids.

That was when she realized that deep inside, she wanted children of her own and, with that, a husband beside her. “It suddenly became very clear and uncomplicated. For the first time in my life, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted in life.”
Thus, the make-over begins.

The first move was to stop wearing her hair like Portia Ilagan. She didn’t just start growing her locks, she started styling it as well (don’t scoff, this is a very big step.) Next to go were her clothes. Her baggy pants and her loose collared shirts were packed and sent to Eloys. Her skin felt textile for the first time as she bought her first baby tee and bootleg pants. Her shoes suffered the same fate. Bye bye loafers, hello open-toed sandals.

“Its funny ‘cause I really felt awkward when I tried on bootleg pants for the first time. It was definitely a big change.”

Expanding her wardrobe was not the only thing that needed to be done and she knew it. She then proceeded to expanding her circle of friends. “I decided to give the girly-girl groups a chance and surprisingly, I had fun with them also,” she admits. “I started going out and meeting new people and I started having crushes on guys again and it felt right for me.”

I’m sure Sam is not the only girl who has been through something like this. Some of them believe that it is their true identity. For a good number of them though, it’s a choice imposed upon them by their environment and their friends. The self-uncertainty that we all have at that age (and that some of us never get to resolve) also does not help.

Our puberty is defined by our high school years. At this stage, our hormones are raging and, emotionally, we start wanting for the romantic kind of love. In an all-girl set-up, the problem is obvious, with a blatant lack of the male specie, the females are left to fend for themselves. The tomboys assume the role by filling up the void that the absent gender fails to do.

In a smaller arena, take the theatre for example, women will take on men roles should there be none around. For some, the role playing continues even long after the play has ended. What is as profound as discovering one’s true self is simplified by the most basic tenet of economics; the law of supply and demand. We need men – we get men by becoming men.

Aside from economics, our woman nature might even mislead us. Girls, unlike boys, are more appreciative of beauty and will not hesitate to admit it. Which is why we don’t have a problem proclaiming our affection for Angelina Jolie whereas you will never hear a guy admit that they just can’t get enough of Brad Pitt. So some young girls might start thinking but why do I find her so hot. I must be gay. Which is not always the case. But once that mentality sets in, it might be hard to erase it.
It is easy for a girl to fall into that trap. What is scarier is that its even easier to stay in it. Sam is lucky that she was able to figure things out at a young age. When I ask her if she would have discovered what she really wanted if she did not have that scare of not having children, she hesitates before she answers. “It might have probably taken me longer but I believe that eventually I would have figured it out just the same.”

Unfortunately, not everyone is able to find themselves as Sam did. “Some of my tomboy friends are still the same. In some of them, I really feel that they are where they need to be to be happy. But for some, I still feel that they were trapped into it because they don’t know any better. And that really makes me sad.”
Looking at Sam today, one will never suspect that her teen years were fraught with confusion. She’s become your typical hair tossing, belly button-bearing hot chick. Her life is not worry-free mind you. Like most of us, she fell in love (yes with a guy) and had her heart shattered to bits as well. But with a firmer grasp on who she is, she is able to overcome these problems with a smile on her made-up face and she is able to move on at the snap of her manicured finger.

R.I.P. FUN (1975 - 2005)

There was a time when fun and i were inseperable. Where i was, fun would surely be soon after. In my most desperate of circumstances, fun would come running, eager to take my blues away. There were even times when others would look disapprovingly cos fun and i would insist on being together in such inopportune times.

Those days are gone now. And so soon after the demise of yet another dear friend, time. Fun and i took time for granted when we were together. How could i have known that losing one naturally meant losing the other.

To time. To fun. To rock n roll.

***** I am writing this at 6am at the office because i have ten minutes to spare before i leave for my 7am meeting in roxas. see what i mean. *****

sana someday...

i can rest naman.

im really so tired na eh. so very tired. working on weekends, not going home earlier than 1am in the past two weeks. really sticking to a one-hour lunch break. so tiring and, yes, unrewarding.

tomorrow i have a four-page supplement coming out in 2 publications. on thursday, after my press con in makati, i have to rush to subic to take care of my event there on friday. And im sure that despite my hard work and long hours, the slightest typo or the most insignificant shortcoming will be what my clients will remember.

it's a thankless job i tell you. WAHHHH!!!! (thats me throwing a fit)

Anyhoo, last night (actually this morning at 3), on my way back to the office from a meeting, i realized that i've been fairly lucky with my cabdrivers. I mean asking for additional fare on top of the meter rate is delightful compared to the "wanna sniff some ether so i can rape you and take all your money" types.

To top it off, stress doesnt seem to help in supressing the appetite. In fact, i think i eat more now that im stressed cos my mind is someplace else so i dont feel that im just snarfing down everything in sight. Like for instance this uraro in front of me. My god i really love uraro.

Okay. i just re-read what i wrote. you know what i am, im a leaper. from topic to topic with no transitions to connect my thoughts.

i really have ADD talaga. and by ADD i dont mean amazing dedes.

did i just actually write that?

i suck because...

1. i wasnt able to watch the big-screen premiere of mansyon and big time, works of art of two of my greatest and most talented chums because i had a meeting in sm north.

2. i never got around to helping monster with the PR plan for big time (i so sowwy monstah. i so sowwy)

3. i had three dinners last night. i think im becoming a hobbit na.

4. ive been eating pringles cheezums the whole day despite my kabusugan.

5. i wasnt able to go to the wine tasting tonight because of work again.

as of this point, i just really want to go home.

pasikip ng pasikip ng pasikip ng pasikip

ang mga pantalon ko.

FOR THE RECORD:

I did not cry because i felt bad for the thief.

I did not cry because i felt sorry that she got caught.

I cried because i was genuinely hurt by the betrayal of someone i thought was a friend.

I cried because i sincerely wanted to understand why what happened happened.

And i know i seem wimpy and weird to everybody else and im sure that everybody else is fucking right cos, after all, every body else IS in my shoes. And I’m sure that the thief is probably snickering somewhere telling people "hey, you find maite alvarez and make her believe that you're her friend and then you steal from her cos she's the one who ends up crying pare"

IF SHE THINKS THAT THAN THATS HER PROBLEM.

THATS WHY SHE'S THE CHEAP SLUT THAT SHE IS!

AND IM NOT GONNA FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE I DONT MEASURE UP TO HER STANDARDS (OR OTHERS FOR THAT MATTER) OF WHAT A VICTIM SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO.

Im not letting her get away with anything. Forgiveness is one thing but justice is another.

I will make sure that she pays for what she did one way or another (and i just dont mean financially.)

I will not trust her again.

I cannot be her friend anymore.

BUT

i do feel bad and will continue to feel bad about the loss of a friendship that i thought was real. And, you know what, this may not even be the last time I cry about it.

SO FUCKING SUE ME!

another kind of heartbreak

This morning it ended amicably. Two other people were there, one to mediate and the other another victim. They both did all the talking. I just sat there quiet and listened. So did she.

This morning I felt something i haven't felt in a while - heartbreak. Over the loss of a frienship and of a friend and that naive part of me that believed that friends didnt do this to each other.

This morning she accepted the consequences of what she did without a fight. She signed a document that legally binds her to pay us back. And we assured her that no criminal charges will be filed.

This morning, looking at her and trying to understand why she did what she did, I was reminded that before all this happened, a friendship was there and it felt real, at least to me. And I was reminded that I have also wronged and kupaled friends before and that, for some divine reason, the universe had forgiven me.

I truly truly hope that the universe will forgive her too. Cos i think i already have.

cheap

It's been a tough week. Been walking around since tuesday with a heavy heavy feeling. Been yo-yo-ing back and forth from being sad to being angry.

I discovered that my credit card was missing on tuesday. After i called hsbc, i found out that my card had been used and the amount totaled to roughly nine thousand bucks. We've investigated and all evidence point to one direction and it points to someone i consider my friend.

My friendship had just been compromised for a couple of bottles of lotion and a handbag.

I've never met anyone so cheap. so fucking galactically cheap.

Bo in a bottle

Never has the desire to pleasantville myself to a TV show been so strong as it was yesterday and is today.

Oh dear lord i think i truly love him.

******

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

 

presko

I've been checking my friendster account on a regular basis again. Kasi i've reconnected with some media folks, one of whom i had a really big crush on, and everytime i open my friendster now i really really hope that i have a friend request from him.

Pathetic. Absolutely.

But never. This blog is not about me. It is about this dude called richard. This richard i dont know. This richard i've never met or heard of before.

This richard who sent me a very very simple friendster message.

may i have ur cell#

Maybe he's too lazy to spell out a short word like Y-O-U-R or maybe he's too busy to waste time spelling out N-U-M-B-E-R, but i would have really appreciated it if he had at least the decency to end a question with a question mark. I mean its just, after all, one pindot on the keyboard.

I mean really. do men think women will respond to this? And really, does he think i would just give it out like that?

Wala man lang please.

love me or leave me (embarassing??? songs)

I'm taking up joels call to owe up to my pop sensibilities.

Although, musically speaking, i have no other sensibilities than that of....

1. Pop! (dirty pop) / nsync - its the first song on the playlist when i borrow pats' ipod to go jogging every sunday. and yes, in true maite fashion, i sing along with it very very loudly for all the neighborhood to sing.

2. Groovy kind of love / phil collins - mahabang mahabang istorya. at kung u-umpisahan ko, iiyak lang ako. but whats not to like about a song that celebrates a groovy kind of love.

3. Have i told you lately that i love you / rod stewart - it feels my heart with gladness and it takes away my sadness, ease my troubles thats what this song does.

4. Ray of light and, by God!, everything madonna - if madonna says its cool to say zephyr, then zephyr here and zephyr there, zephyr zephyr everywhere.

5. Let's wait a while / janet jackson - at a time when kids were having sex way before they were ready, miss janet stood up and said 'hey, it's cool to wait before its too late'

6. Dirty diana / michael jackson - absolutely my ultimate favorite michael jackson song.

7. Honey / mariah carey - used to be my first song always when videoke-ing until i realized that there was no way in hell i could pull it off. i do think i can pull off those shoes though.

8. Boys / britney spears - i just have to have a britney here somewhere and this is my favorite.

9. Especially for you / kylie minogue and jason donovan - hee, im so sorry.

10. How did you know i needed someone like you in my life - Simply put, I LOVE GARY V.!!!!

Hey, i would also like to admit that i really secretly like sydney sheldon books. hee.

Tofu or not tofu

I personally think that i've been having too much of the damned thing. Dont get me wrong, my taste buds are not complaining (at least, not yet.) A tofu meal still makes me water despite the bad rap its been having.

But there it is. The bad rap.

My mother won't let up with the uric acid attack while mila (office groovy mom) said that it might actually have something to do with causing alzheimers. And since id rather not have the first and am terrified of the other, i've been trying to lay off tofu for a while.

Well... except for lunch today where i had that damned thing again.

Anyhoo, what is up with manila man?

What the fuck did we do to the sun to make it hate us so much?

Where the fuck does the breeze hang out these days? Definitely not around makati. And Im sure as hell its not in my house either. Will somebody please find out and book me the first flight out of here!!!

Okay, Next.

I seem to be bleeding from all possible areas. First off, its like the dam has broken down south and the overnights and the ultras are not doing its job very well. Second, my gums started bleeding while i was brushing my teeth last night. And Third, i had a nose bleed this morning, the first i've ever had in my life.

I normally wouldnt be worried except i was just rejected as a blood donor two weeks ago because apparently my rbc count was disturbingly low.

So where is all this blood coming from?

It's the heat i tell you. What else could be causing it? the tofu?

FATTER

yup. thats really me. gained six pounds since i last worked out three weeks ago.

thats two pounds fatter every week i didnt gym.

JA-HEE-SA-HUS!!!

In fairness to my fatter self. There were some attempts in the past three weeks to work out. Two to be exact. And only two because i've been busy as hell.

BUH-HEE-SEE-HEE!!!

Anyhoo, i went to the gym last wednesday to really break some major sweat on the running machine. Eh, ang da-i kong socks! papano na yon? so, i just homeler myself in my workout clothes with pink old lady slippers.

Tapos today, I was really walking towards the gym na talaga when, all of a sudden, as if i had no control over my fatter feet, i turned around and headed back to the office. And like a woman in trance with absolutely no control over her actions, i called my mother and asked her to pick me up right away.

Tomorrow talaga i promise to work out na.

PRO-HUH-MI-HIS!!!

PISCES WOMAN

Thats me.

And according to a website in dire need of an editor who actually speaks english, this is who i am.

She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality. She is weak and sensitive when it's come to "Love". She can cry if her best friend is breaking up, and she can be over excited when her friend gets a new boy friend who is a good looking and rich even it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprise to see that she is shy just because she is in love. More or less it will be in Pisces woman. She loves small animal and gifted in training animals.

She has sixth senses and she can guess what will happen next, it's her nature. Even she has a good sixth senses, she can not pick or foreseen her own choice of lover. She can not tell if she meet a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.

She likes to buy and pick her own cloths. She likes to dress cute and be cute. Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and she has a nice skin.

Her hands and feet are small and soft. Pisces woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them. She is a hot lady that everyone wants her. Whether she has a man in her life or not , she will never try to over powered any man. It's not even in her
thought.

She thinks man can handle things better, and she will make her man feel that way. She is an easy going person, so being with her is easy. She is a confident woman and likes to make people who stay with her happy. She knows how to please and how to comfort a man.

If something is wrong, she will try to make other people belief that it's must be because of someone else, not because of her love one. She will not push her man to be ambition but to make him feel like he should be happy with the way he is now. She is happy with you for what you are now.

A Pisces woman , if she has a bad childhood, she will always remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person. She will pity herself and feel sorry for herself. She tends to hurt herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you can never tell which path she going to take. If you love her , then hold her tight because she never knows why she did what she did or what she will do next.

A complex character. You may think she is a shy innocent type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong. You might think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again. She has been through a lot, a tough cookie. She is a dreamer and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know so well.

Be very careful if fall in love with Pisces woman. She can be a total different person before and after. She can be an angle before and later a witch, but everyone is not perfect, right? She will be soft and gentle most of the time, so not to worry. She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently got hurt. She is the type who can cry her heart out.

She can have a secret fear inside, when she says she does not need anyone. She badly needs someone to protect her, but sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy. She does not like to follow any fixed rules. She can be a good housewife if you know how
to handle her.

Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100% woman. If she wants to be sweet, she is a real angles.

ETTI DOES ALEGRE (and i dont mean alona baby)

April 21-24

One of the perks, if not the only one there is actually, of handling one of my accounts is that every year we choose a nice spot somewhere, gather up the media and bring them there for r and r.

This year, we went to cebu. Sogod, cebu. Alegre beach resort, sogod, cebu.

When my client first said that we had to send someone a day before to go around town and make sure that everything was in order, i raised my hand and jumped up and down and said "ME! ME!"

Never mind if the first time i was in Cebu i went straight from the airport to plantation bay. Never mind if the second time i was there i never even left the airport.

In my head, those two times that i touched down in Cebu practically made me a local.

So there i was in the middle of the mactan international airport all alone and lugging around 6 friggin backdrop banners for the event.

And of course, because i am, after all, me, i was not able to make hotel reservations. So i just literally went with the first guy who approached me and invited me to a hotel room.

The hotel room smelled weird. If i were a better writer i'd attempt to describe it but since im not i just hope that you know what im talking about. Anyway, after sleeping for an hour, i made my way to my first site in downtown cebu and then to my second site in mandaue city. And then i went shopping at SM cebu where people just insisted on talking to me in cebuano. geezler.

That night, i met up with an old friend for dinner. Bong is my bisaya great friend who sat next to me in law school. Who, apparently, i forced to admit that i was his best friend two weeks after we met (god i love myself.)

It was really good seeing him again.

When he brought me back to my hotel a little before midnight, i just realized how creepy my room was. It was a big room with dull orange carpet and stained wallpaper. So, just so i didnt have to be alone for a long time, i called for a massage. That cost me 1,000. Fuck.

The next day was sweet reunion with the I.T. press. The last time they saw me was in 2002 when i was 205 lbs. So when they saw me, God! kaya ba nila?!?

Anyway, it was truly one of the most fun work weekends i've had. Although the beach in Bohol was nicer, the fun i had in bohol does not even compare to a fraction of the fun i had in Cebu.

I owe it, of course, to the peeps with me.

Clients who, in fairness, rocked. Fun fun officemates. Media peeps who are really wonderful peeps (two of them i think i'm officially in love with.)

On top of that, there was, of course, despite my limited choices, great food.

And the rooms were just simply absolutely breath-taking!!!

All in all, it was fun times man! fun fucking times!

An ode to my unborn, not-even-in-the-ballpark-of-being-conceived child

If I Could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes I would
If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go
If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could
If I live in a time and place where you don't wanna be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won't have to be your way
If I knew
I would try to change the world I brought you to
And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would
If I could

Some things i just dont understand

Last monday, brian, the youngest brother of marc who is one of my bestfriends, went to consult a doctor because he was not feeling well. He was diagnosed with leukemia.

Yesterday, two days after, he passed away.

He was the good one. The one who made sure that his sisters were safe. The one who always looked out for his ate marc.

He was 25 years old.

On saturday, his parents are coming home to bury their son.

*******************************************************

When she was barely two years old, my sisters kidneys started failing. She was put on steroids and was scheduled for a transplant.

My mother and my sister had to move to manila to be able to get medical treatment. Me and my brothers stayed with my grandparents in the province. My dad went back and forth to make sure that we were all okay.

After being away for a week, my dad went home to manila and rushed to my sisters crib. My mother walked in on him crying quietly as he watched my sister sleeping. He told my mother later that he cried because when he saw my sister that night he didnt even recognize her at first because of the steroids. And that for the first time in his life, my father - the supreme alpha macho male - felt helpless.

My sister didnt need a transplant after all, but her kidneys were still weak. She was in and out of the hospital for the first ten years of her life. She was not allowed to play, or to swim or to go to regular school because it might have aggravated her condition. She grew up on tasteless food because her kidneys couldnt take salt.

She finally got better in her teen years. And she grew up to be an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny human being. We all hoped that that would be the end of her suffering.

Two years ago, they found cysts in her ovaries, one of which was bigger than her uterus. Nobody in the family said it out loud but i knew we all felt the same thing. When is life ever gonna give her a chance to really live life?

I remember i called tracy the night i found out and i remember crying to her cos i couldnt understand why life was picking on my kid sister.

Less than a year after the cysts in her ovaries were taken out, they found new ones in her uterus.

She cried that day she found out. My sister, who has always been strong, cried inconsolably that day. And my mother, who sat and cried beside her too, just kept telling her it was going to be okay.

My sister is truly the strongest person i know. She fights her battles bravely with a smile on her face. If she ever did complain about all that has happened to her, she kept it to herself.

********************************************************

I often wonder how people like my sister and brian are chosen. Deesj believes that things happen randomly to random people. Cos really, when you look at life, nothing really seems fair.

Cos why was i spared and my sister not?

But I've also always believed that life is tougher on the strong because the strong can take it. So maybe, just maybe, i've been spared because i'm weak. Because maybe, if i were living my sisters life, i would just complain and be bitter.

I once read a story about a hunchback who was madly in love with a beautiful maiden. And the maiden couldnt bring herself to love him because he was ugly. One night, the hunchback told her that he was really suppose to be born handsome. But before he was born, the gods took him and showed him the reflection of the girl he was going to fall madly in love with, the girl was plain and deformed. So he prayed to the gods to transfer all her deformities to him because he didnt want her to grow up being scorned by other people. And so he was born a hunchback and she a beautiful maiden.

Maybe my sister told God before we were born to spare me and my siblings of any real heartaches. To just give it to her because she's the strongest of all of us.

I know that really sounds trite and stupid but sometimes i resort to the trite and stupid to try to understand why things are the way they are.

(god umiyak ba ako habang sinusulat ko to?)
(at god may kahabaan noh?)

He's still making funny faces. But now he does them in heaven. 

me, myself and i

last night after cd's exhibit at saguijo (where the music was superb), the chums played one of its favorite games "sino sa chums ang....?"

i was declared the winner in two categories (it would have been unanimous too except i contested both)

I am, according to my chums (and some fucking chums these peeps are)

THE MOST NARCISSISTIC
and
THE MOST ANNOYING

let's consult mr. webster shall we. (actually dictionary.com - anyhoo)

nar·cis·sism
Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See Synonyms at conceit.
A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.

okay, so they do have a point here noh. let me, however, repeat what i said last night and please forgive the obvious cry for help.

The reason why i love myself so much is because nobody else does :( and besides, really lets be honest, what's not to love :)

Also, let me point out, that i have insecurities beyond measure which is probably why i overcompensate with narcissism. What is perceived as self-love maybe just a smokescreen to take away the focus from my desperation to hold on to the little self esteem that i have.

BUT WAIT....

As an adjective, narcissistic is defined as characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance

I actually do not.

Life goes on without me and it will go on happily. I have no delusions that i am indispensable or even remotely consequential.

And as much as it pains me to admit it, the truth is, although i am greatly loved, i am not needed. And that is my heart-wrenching truth.

Now, if the basis of being narcissistic is having an inflated idea of their own importance, then joel passes me by a mile.

Okay, annoying.

Yes, this is true. If i were not me watching me, i'd be annoyed by me too. I am loud and "malikot" and really too perky sometimes eh.

BUT , (of course there's always a but)

you have to admit, im quite adorable once you get to know me :)

DO I LOVE TALKING ABOUT ME OR WHAT?

some other categories last night;

Most matapobre - adi, as was blatantly obvious in his drunken state last saturday
Most likely to kill - deesj, rage is a dangerous thing
Most like to be rich (given a level playing field to start with) - joel and drach
Best singer - mamu or drach (i forget)
Best dancer - me
Best in english - mamu for me. although may humihirit na gigi. hindi ako nadadaan sa accent eh
Best in tagalog - si deesj daw
Lowest self esteem - tracy
Highest self esteem - Monster and then gigi (although sabi ni gigi umiiyak rin naman sya sa gabi)

********************************************************************

CUT to CUT to yesterday

I was trying to fix my officemate, lance, up with arrian who is one of my funniest and sexiest friend.

so i showed lance her picture and he said "she's very pretty but she looks like my cousin"

to which i replied of course "so?"

and he said "so?, can you even imagine kissing your cousin?"

if these pores could talk ano..

anyway, i quoted joel who quoted drach from way back when

WALANG PINSAN SA TITING TULISAN!

cut to cut to saguijo that night.

sinigaw lang sya ni diego onstage eh.

etti does bohol (and chicka lang)

Maganda naman siya - i mean, probably one of the most beautiful places i've seen - but since i haven't really been around very much - im not the best judge for tourist "must-sees."

Anyhoo, while the beach is, unquestionably beautiful and the water was at a very comforting temperature (albeit 42 million starfishes and sea urchins), there was really one question burning in my mind while i rocked my hammock overlooking the beach -

WHERE IS THE LIFE HERE?

please tell me where is the life in the island of bohol. because i was really there for 2 days and i dunt see it. i really dunt.

people - none!
activities - none!
good times - none!

But you know what i love about bohol - tarsiers! my geads they are really the cutest. i think one hundred tarsiers turn over their grave everytime we compare them to milo because really a big insult for them.

here are some trivia i picked up about tarsiers from our tour guide;

1. tarsiers are highly suicidal (okay, baka dito pareho sila ni milo) - they are easily stressed especially when they are moved to a new environment. they also dont like being touched very much. And you know how they kill themselves - they bang their heads on the tree until they die. As our tour guide said "they are the original head bangers" HAR HAR HAR!!!

2. They have the softest bumbunan raw. like pillows. which is probably why they bang their heads on the wall when suicidal para fast death.

last night also, i was selected to be the special guest judge sa costume party. The theme of the party was "Pirates of the Carribean" so the guests really careered it ha. I mean they rented or patahid their costumes. Now, some of the guests are really not the brightest or the most attentive to detail because they really dont pay attention to the theme.

So maybe they just read 'carribean' and they come dressed as chiquita banana (colorful costumes and fruits on their head and all)

hay geads.... i really gave them a zero there.

anyway, pictures from bohol i had to take with my cellphone cos i forgot to bring a camera.