the year that was

2004

It was not the best year for most of us.

Mother nature was vindictive this year. Sought retribution for all that man took from her. An eye for an eye she said. Our children for hers. And so 300 and counting were lost in the flashfloods up north. We should have learned our lesson from the 3,000 deaths in Ormoc a decade back. Instead we gambled some more, risking innocent lives that weren't ours to risk. Well, we lost again didnt we?

And while the world celebrated christmas, mother nature, too, put on her dancing shoes and discoed until the earth moved with her. Her score - 8.9 baby, the fourth highest she's gotten thus far. The indonesians did not only lose Suharto this year, they lost hundreds more in the past two days.

Worse, the earthquake produced killer Tsunamis that have hit the coast lines of Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia and 4 other Asian countries killing almost 12,000 people in total. 12,000 souls.

Politics took also an interesting turn this year. Two weeks ago, FPJ left his kingdom of millions kingless. Guised as a sacred ceremony sending off the dead, i watched the circus unfold on TV.

An indignant best friend and opportunistic political ally in the person of a fat duck vowed to keep the fight for justice. His justice: to see his dead friend declared as the rightful winner of the last election and to find a way to finagle his way out of his sorry state now.

A grieving widow who has declared personal war on anyone who has ever thought her husband was a stupid nitwit in the past.

The show was capped by a horse-drawn carriage carrying his coffin that stopped traffic in the city. Make no mistake about it, it was nothing less than a circus and what elvin would have rightly labeled as mass hysteria.

The ukraines have elevated political vendetta to a whole new level, or perhaps brought it back to greek times, as betrayal through poison ate up the good looks of Victor Yuchenko. But the poison has not affected the great man that he is. Good luck to you man. Here's to you changing your world.

The americans have decided that they either really like gwbush or would like to see a sequel to moore's fahrenheit.

On a personal level, this year was a learning experience for me. Found out a lot of things that i never knew about myself before.

Yes, it could have been better. But it could have been much worse too.

So 2005, lets see what you have for us.

am i a cayman crocodile? are you?

according to dr. brady barr, cayman crocodiles are often spared their lives because of their low-grade leather quality.

Put yourself, if you will, in the low-grade leather shoes of the cayman. Its a beautiful saturday and you, exhausted from lunching on your best-friend molly, rest your tired bloated body on the banks of a south american swamp. When, from a distance, you see hunters carrying weapons and tools that you've witnessed hurt many of your kind in the past.

You hear them in conversation. Pointing at something in your direction while excitedly uttering unintelligible sounds. You get on the defensive. You prepare yourself for battle.

And they pass you. They dont even look at you. They surround and capture instead the more-designer-coveted-higher-grade-leather of the australian saltwater crocodile resting a mile from you. (yeah i know, how did an australian crocodile end up in south america right? well, in my blog, anything is possible)

Do you say "thank god im not that pretty!" or do you feel hurt and rejected and let out a big "HMPH!!!"

See, if TV's regular programming is suddenly interrupted by an annoucement that alien life has made contact with earth and will be taking the best of our specie to study and experiment on, I'de be scared of course at first. But then, resigned to my fate, i would head to my bedroom, pack my stuff, and bid my family and friends goodbye.

But what if they dont come for me? Do i get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that im low-grade or do i walk around dazed and confused and hurt and rejected?

What if im just another cayman? Actually, im sure im just another cayman.

How sad naman.

my own personal tragedy today

The only friend i have left in the office is leaving on the 4th of january. He was bound to sooner or later. This company has always been too small for his talent.

But im gonna miss him.

when did i lose it exactly?

im talking about my humanity. i seem to have very little left.

deesj is genuinely affected by all the flash floods up north that left 300 dead. affected enough to feel guilty about the peking duck we had last night. affected enough to organize a group of people to help out.

am i saddened by it? yes.
am i willing to do what i can to help? yes.

but that's it. i dont feel any more than that. i cant offer any more but that.

what is this monster that i have become?

Go fish!

Had a very comfortable and rather lengthy coffee break with deesj yesterday. Discussions, that ranged from sex to christmas shopping to michelle pfeiffer’s monologue in the movie the story of us, inevitably lead to my love life. And why it has been virtually nonexistent for the past three years already.

My god! Has it really been that long? 3 years man! How can that number not shatter any modicum of self-esteem one has? How can that stretch not lead to the gates of self-pity where one is bound to ask “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?”

So peeps, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Lets get straight to it. Im prettier than most people I know. Hell, im willing to bet I’m prettier than most people YOU know. I am also, much to my misfortune and doing, larger than most people. I’ve been told though that size is not necessarily a factor in the laws of attraction. I am inclined to believe that these people are mistaken. But, for my sake, I hope they are not.

I do have the smarts. And, by God as he is my witness, I have the funnies too.

I am entertaining and exciting and stimulating and all that jazz and more.

So, what is wrong with me right?

Am i too loud? I can’t help it if I’ve been blessed with over-reaching nerves that cause my voice to jump a pitch or two higher when excited. And besides, being loud has its own merits. Especially within the hallowed walls of the bedroom (or the sala or the kitchen or the car or the garden.)

Or, maybe, I’ve been sending off a message to the universe that I’m okay being alone for now. So the universe heeds and delivers or, in my case, doesn’t just yet. My client said that I should remove all my solo pictures displayed on my desk cos these pictures is me telling the world “WORLD, LOOK AT ME, IM HAPPY ALONE!” but why ba? Im really cute naman in these pictures eh. Why should I not display them.?

Its not like I’ve been dead these past three years. You know that cliché ‘all good men are either gay or taken.’ Particularly true in my case. Although sometimes I wonder why that is with me. Do I purposely gravitate to the gays and the takens because my unconscious knows that nothing will come out of it thereby keeping me safe and snug in my bed of paranoia and fear. Lets face it, my ass was whupped big time in my last relationship. Can I be blamed if im not too hot to jump in an arena where my ass could be whupped some more?

So anyway, maybe im ready na rin somewhat. Maybe.

FRESH

it took a while to finally pin this word down and commit to it. it is everything i want the next year to be.

so there.

my word for the year i turn 30.

in 2005, let the universe clean me fresh and rid me of all my filth and baggage.

a rebirth of sorts. a beginning.

a blog of appreciation

for leslie and adi.

for keeping me company in what could have a been a very long night.

that party, despite its theme, did not rock at all. but you guys sure as hell did.

mwah.

a trip down memory central

march 8 1993

the day i turned 18.

i just really wanted to keep the celebration quiet and simple. neverring the non-refundable downpayment made to coconut palace where i was to party in a fuck-me-red-geena-davis-oscar gown, i opted instead for a nice, sumptuous dinner with the family at the roma restaurant in manila hotel. that and a trip to hongkong.

that was my plan anyways.

that morning, my tita picked me up to go to the parlor (jesi mendez - hee hee) for hair and make-up which my mother insisted on. she said i should be beautiful on my birthday. i thought i should be too.

the next stop after the parlor was this shop in glorieta that sold only sesame street items. it was my absolute favorite place then although i cant seem to recall now what the store was called. heniways, so there i was, fully made up, checking out sesame street stationaries (yes, stationaries) when elvin and rommel walked in. elvin, who was already an ex at that time, was there to buy me my gift. a gift, of course, that i demanded from him. he loved me then you see and would have given me the moon if i had asked for it.

anyhoo.

after the mall, we went to my titas house where i was to be picked up for dinner. i dont remember what time it was when bobby, my brother, finally came to get me. "We have to go back to the house to get them" he said. "hassle" i think i said.

when we got to the house, all the lights were off. "hindi pa yata sila ready. baba muna tayo" bobby said. "hassle talaga" i thought.

as i walked in the dark sala, fully made-up in a sundress by the way (yes the same sundress that people mistake for a daster in my hat-ching picture), the lights suddenly turn on and a very loud and excited "SURPRISE!!!!" greeted me.

they were all there. my family. my relatives. my good friends from high school (go HIP!) and one good friend from college (UST pa to - only one because i didnt really have friends there eh.) as if that wasnt enough, mongolian grill catered it and, guys, if you are from san agustin batch 92, you know that mongolian grill was the best thing then.

so after all the besos y abrazos that went around, my mother gently pulled me aside and said "go up to your room and change na."

when i entered my room, there, laid out neatly on my bed, was my gown. an hour later, beautiful and beaming, i recieved 18 roses and wishes from relatives and friends. the same people i would have chosen myself if i had a hand in the planning :)

so i didnt get my fancy schamancy dinner. so i didnt get to wear my fuck-me-red gown. so it wasnt all that quiet and simple. i was surrounded by people who loved me enough to take time out to be part of something i will remember forever. and i also got my hongkong na rin :)

that was the day i turned 18.

(tonight i will be attending the debut of a cisv-mate. i hope one day she will look back at it with the same fondness that i feel)

its 9 am

both in my world and jack bauers.

spent 9 hours of my past two days on 24. would have been glad to give more of my time to it too if it werent for work. the fact that i had to watch it on a laptop and earphones didnt seem to affect my viewing pleasure any.

our dvd player is a pretentious fuck. feeling all rich and classy and refusing to play pirated stuff.

sana you're just a SHINCO noh!!! get off your high horse.

the sun is the center of the solar system

i dont deny it. in fact, il even be the first to admit it. im as selfish as selfish can get.

i think that;

1. the world revolves around me
2. things or others do not really exist until i acknowledge that they do
3. i matter above all else

despite that....

i also dont deny and il also be the first to admit that i am as insecure as insecure can get.

i think that;

1. i will never be truly appreciated
2. i live in mediocrity and, therefore, i will die in mediocrity
3. i have the worst, absolute worst, drawings in the world. i also cant sing for shit.

ang thoughts ko kanina sa taxi

running on a treadmill.

thats pretty much my life.

constantly moving
profusely sweating
occasionally hyperventilating

where am i going? NOWHERE!!!

what if i am one of them people who are so deeply rooted, they die exactly as they were born. no better. no worse.

okay. being deeply rooted is actually a quasi-valid, somewhat-acceptable excuse for being stagnant. at least it connotes a firm foundation. but what if you're just plain lazy or scared to actually move forward. or worse, what if you're just too heavy na hindi ka narin carry ng gulong ng palad.

sometimes i really hate cab rides.

and then....

i ate na my sandwich.

now what.

MY GED!!!

ibang klase narin ang pagkabored dito. ibang klase.

klase, aint that a very sosyal person. person, first name sonny. sonny, aint that a brand of a tv and a partner of an ericsson. ericsson, aint that a hardening of a penis. penis, that means the end. tapos na.

you see! you see! SO MOTHER-FUCKING-SAVE-ME-FROM-THIS-DAMNED-OFISINA BORED!!!

oooooh.... my sandwich is here.

SANTA CAN YOU HEAR ME?

MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.



at santa, kung kaya lang naman....

realizations

** yesterday was a really good day for me. wasnt able to understand why until i was telling therese about it at lunch time earlier. Told her about my chat with 'him' and figured out why i felt so good about it after. Kasi while i was chatting with him, i had neither an ounce of bitterness nor an iota of hope in me, just a smile on my face that simply meant it was good to hear from him again.

And THAT is more than a big step. THAT is a closed door. TAH DAH!!!

** i realized that, of all my family and friends, the hardest person i will have to say goodbye to when i leave for spain is larry. just thinking about it now breaks my heart na.

** i will never ever mess with my hair again. i stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself every night waiting for my bangs to grow. cutting it is probably the only thing i regret doing in life. Im sorry tracy.

** the most frustrating thing in the world for me is being helpless at helping. i want to help out more but resources are scarce.

** youth is wasted on the young. money is wasted on the rich. power is wasted on the powerful. and sexy bodies are wasted on the ugly. SOMETIMES.

** i'de rather be decorative.

** i feel like im at the airport lounge, just waiting for my flight to take off. That's how im gonna feel until our boat sails off on december 10. everything from now til then is wait-time, waste-time.

AN ODE TO DRACH, RIYA AND RYAN (from me and tracy)

to the tune of 4-non-blondes' what's up?

25 years and your blogs are still
trying to say that same old thing
you wrote
there is no new addition

Drachler almost lost his life
Riya wants to make ets her wife
And ry… Chismis computation

And so we pray sometimes when we open your blogs
That you’ve somehow moved on like millennium clogs
We say hey
What’s going on?

And when we wake in the morning and we check your stuff
It’s the same old thing
Enoughs enough
We say hey
Whats going on?

And we say hey yeh yeh yeh
hey yeh yeh
we say hey
write on your blogs

And we say hey yeh yeh yeh
hey yeh yeh
we say hey
write on your blogs

hay mr. d.j.

the first two lines of the love song i heard on the radio this morning...

i hope that you're the one
if not, you are the prototype

never thought i'de see the day when i'de hear the word prototype in a love song.

God bless this group who call themselves OutKast.

kainis

i think i've officially lost my shea butter body butter.


I AM SO UPSET!!!

remember my name... FAME!!!

15 minutes is, according to wise men who have come before us, all the fame time we get in a lifetime. As to the degree of popularity each individual gets, they didnt specify. They also failed to expound on the unmerited privilege of others (like celebs) to usurp the fame time of the ordinary janes in this world. I believe that Juday's running fame time came at my expense. She ate up my 15 minutes displaying her friggin jaw all over the place while i wither in obscurity, destined to die in anonymity.

I can see my funeral now. 20 people around my casket (30 tops), a quarter of them geniunely grieving, the rest just suffering the heat of manila memorial, waiting for me to be buried so they can go on with their busy schedules.

Im really gonna make multo people who do not cry at my wake okay. Im really gonna.

And also, i would like some child to be named after me. I have a beautiful name naman eh - ETLERS.

for keeping the love in me alive

today, for some odd reason or other, i am writing about two of the bestest people in my life. a couple who have long held the "favorite" label in my books.

JOEL.
- Has been in and out of my life since puberty.
- Was one of the six guests in my 14th birthday party, 4 of which i had probably only talked to that night.
- Was the constant 3rd wheel that gave the niv-ets relationship fun stability. I now happily return the favor :)
- Is always up at two in the morning. A comforting bit of information to bored insomiacs like myself. Our "what if" situationers were highlights of text conversations.
- Has just canon-balled into his dream pool, backed only by a handful of cash and a loadful of people who believe in him.
- and yes, is, without a doubt, easy on the eyes.

TRACY
- The only person who has seen me at my weakest, wimpiest, sorriest state. (kinaya mo ba yon trace?)
- Has a family that i want to adopt as my own when i get tired of mine.
- One of four people in my life that i would give up a kidney for.
- Someday, on my deathbed, i will look back on my good days and will not be surprised if she's in 70% of them.
- sometimes, i think my mother wants to trade me for her. and you know what, i completely understand why.

JOEL AND TRACY

It was her birthday and she didnt have a lot of money left having spent a lot already for dinner. And for him, it was that time of the year when his financials were in dire straits. they stopped over for beer and stuff at a store that night, and she was slightly nervous as the cashier was adding up the cases of beer she had bought for the party. And then she looked over at him and the shit-i-have-no-money-na panic look on her face was instantly replaced with sudden concern as she asked him "babe, dont you want to get coke for your rhum coke?"

He did. i could tell that he did. it was so obvious that he did. But he knew where she was so instead he said, in the shyest-mode i've seen him since i've met him, "no its okay. im fine."

It was such a simple gesture really.

Or actually, when you think about it, it wasnt.

sometimes, i am a nonsense!

you know how sometimes, brought about by boredom or whatever, you ask yourself a question and you come up with what you think is a brilliant answer that, in your head, makes sooooo much sense until you start asking people the same question and suddenly the answer that you've already thought of just seems so......... stupid.

ETS: whats your greatest fear?
THERESE: {pauses and breathes deeply} never knowing what my purpose in life is
ETS: {slight nanliit} ahhh... how serious naman
THERESE: why? whats yours?
ETS: uhm.... losing my teeth

*************************************************************************

way, way back (high school pa to)


ETS: what is the one thing na you wish you invented nalang?
LEOY: CT scan
ETS: talaga? si guada TV
LEOY: ikaw?
ETS: mayonnaise

I LOVE MYSELF!!!

mansyon

this is, i believe, the first time i've ever brought the movie, the one that will have the chums fun schedule on sporadic pauses in the next month, up in my blog. Last night, i finally got into it.

while our role (gigis and mine)-(also adis pala) is not that "crucial" in the great scheme of creating the cinematic genius that mansyon is bound to become, it is nonetheless, uhm.... important. as any true foodie on the set would attest to.

okay - so it wasnt fillet mignon or prawns thermidore- it was good food all around and the people there appreciated it.

my personal pride was when rosslyn/roselyn/rosalyn/rosaline (aka dolores) broke a month and a half of pork fast for my binagoongan and did not have a moments regret after. hay.... i love her na.

also loved gigis sinigang soup. although im not a fan of bangus unless its daing (kasi sometimes it tastes like soil eh), i really loved that dish.

Dessert was vanilla ice cream courtesy of bachii and also barquillos from deesj.

anyway, mansion.

im not gonna pretend to know what im talking about here but i do have have 6 film units to my credit from doy del mundo so im gonna say what i will anyway. as of this point, i've only read the script and if the watch is as good as the read then mansyon is bound to be fantastic.

as fantastic as its director and creator.
as fantastic as its production manager.
as fantastic as its photographer and sound engineers.
as fantastic as monsters role (which escapes me at this point)
as fantastic as all the people i met last night.

realm of possibilities

A long time ago, I forget exactly when, I saw an episode of the twilight zone where a man met the part of himself that chose to go to war in Vietnam. As was later explained in the episode, that man, ten years earlier, was faced with the decision of going or not when he was drafted. He chose not to.

Ten years, a wife, a daughter and a war later, the man was still questioning whether he made the right decision. Apparently, it was the toughest one he had to make yet and he always wondered how different his life would have been had he gone.

As it turned out, as was revealed to him by a man in a wheelchair who showed up at his doorstep one night, a man who vaguely resembled him, he lost a leg in battle.

The man in the wheelchair was the part of him that made the decision to go and went.

Weird but such is life in the twilight zone.

Anyhoo, I was trying to take a nap when I remembered this story. And it got me thinking. How would my life be different if I had chosen to take another road from the one I actually took at one particular point.

What if I did drop that subject in law school and went on to become a lawyer?
What if I decided to stay in UST and went on to become a doctor?
What if I really did lose weight in one of my attempts to diet and exercise?
What if I took a cab instead of the shuttle this morning to work?

How different would my life be now? Would I be happier? Funnier? Richer?

In the movie sliding doors, gwyneth’s missing the subway spelled the difference between happiness and misery. Could it have possibly spelled mine when I went home earlier the other night when I could have stayed longer?

My world as I know it could have easily taken a 180 if I had done just one thing differently.

To someone like me, someone who jumps in the river to only later remember that she cant swim, the realm of possibilities that is out there and open to us is both empowering and paralyzing. On the one hand, there is a lot of room for promise, on the other, a lot of room for blame. On the one hand, liberation. On the other, dire consequences.

I’ve always claimed to believe in destiny. I’ve always claimed that I am exactly where I am suppose to be at any given point in time. The truth is, I don’t really believe that. I say that only because it is comforting. Because it allows me to shrug off responsibility a little because I can always just cry “but that’s life!” When things don’t work out, I allow myself to take a deep breath, sigh and say “hay…. buhay.”

My truth is though, when I am strong enough to say it, is this -

I have brought myself to where I am now. I have made myself into who I am now. My failures, as are my successes (few though they may be) are, solely and absolutely, mine to claim. In difficult times, these cute pudgy hands of mine will not be pointing fingers. Neither will they be applauding for anyone else in better days.

in a galaxy far far away

in a parallel universe, i am not an underpaid corporate slave to ego-tripping clients.

in a parallel universe, i am married and three months pregnant in sorrento.

solitaire

no, no, no. this blog is not about being alone or lonely or any of that parmigiano reggiano. last nights blog was a moment of weakness. ipagpatawad nyo na. tao rin lang po ako.

anyhoo, this blog is about the wonderful world of solitaire card play, and all of its derivatives that i have come to know and enjoy this past week.

a rundown and instructional manual of sorts;

the ones i already knew.

1. the simple one - hawakan ang deck of cards sa kanang kamay at i-enumerate lahat ng numbers at tao habang isa-isang binababa ang cards ng kaliwang kamay. ang object ay dapat hindi magtugma ang enumerated number sa card na naibaba.

example:
ace - ang naibaba ay four - go ka pa
two - ang naibaba ay queen - go ka pa
three - ang naibaba ay 9 - go ka pa
four - ang naibaba ay 4 - naku!!! lagot!!! patay.

kung mabuo mong maenumerate ang 13 cards 4 times na hindi tumama kahit minsan sa binabang card, matutupad ang wish mo.

2. your basic solitaire (also now known for me as a fun party experience with ryan and ramir)

alam nyo nato. meron nito sa windows.

3. equals 13 - yan yang gagawa kayo ng pyramid of cards faced down upto level 6, and seventh level up. you can take out two cards that add up to 13. ex K=13, Q+A+13, J+2=13, 6+7=13.

you get the drill.

Bagong salta

4. ang tinuro ni tracy - maglatag ka ng 4 cards dyan sa lamesa tapos pag may dalawang suit na pareho, itabi ang pinaka mababa. kung okay na ang first set, magbaba ng panibago at itabi ulit ang pinaka mababa. ang object ng game ay dapat puro alas nalang ang maiwan at everything else ay naitabi.

nakabuo na ako nito. yahoo!!!

5. ang tinuro ni adi - or ang tinatawag nating -GODS its a math. ilalatag mo isa-isa ang cards dyan at dapat may three consecutive cards that will add up to 10,20 or 30.

aaminin ko na, ang speed ko while doing this ay very balancing assets and liabilities. longer.

6. ang tinuro ni vives (OO! ni vives!) na coincindentally enough ay tinatawag na sudden death (hahahahaha!!! diba very vives). anyway, ang ganda ng game na ito. the objective is for all the cards to end up lang in one pile. and im so tamad na to explain the mechanics.

anway, i love solitaire. sino kaya tong mga taong ito na nagiisip lang ng games na ito ano?

parang i want to invent my own.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

in the past two weeks that i've been buried neck deep in work, i havent failed to notice the little signs everywhere that christmas is on its way. nights are fresco-er, days are not as scorching. last week i heard my first christmas carol for the year, jose mari chan reminding me not to forget the love i have for jesus. three days ago, cabbing back to the office, was a little surprised to see several parols outside cabalen.

i've always loved christmas. in the past couple of years though, christmas has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth. the kind that you just cant wash off with presents and holiday cheer. as far as associations go, christmas has always been about him. and hard as i try to forget, at christmas i remember.

tonight, i allow myself to wallow a little and to mourn, yet again, for all that i've lost. and for those who wont allow me as much, just close this page and move on to the next blog.

i miss him. i miss holding his hand. i miss kissing him. i miss the feeling of security when he was around because i knew, without a doubt, that nothing would harm me - not while he was there. most of all, i miss the person i was when i was with him. if you think i'm happy now, you should have seen me then. whole and complete. not quite the sap that i have become.

i have somehow convinced myself that the reason moving on has been quite a struggle was because it was not just about letting go of him, it was also about letting go of who i was. and although i suppose that i am probably a much better person for it, i am nonetheless broken and forever scarred.

i'm not in love with him anymore. i no longer hope that he comes back to me one day. but he will always be the one thing in my life that i would have given up everything for. and he will always be the one thing in my life who would have given up everything for me. and that, despite all the assholic things he has done since, is what i take with me.

sayang, had it worked, our story could have been one for the books. if it isn't already.

hmmmm.....

Your a Unicorn! Unicorns are pure, innocent,
magestic creatures that have a spiraling white
horn growing out of their forehead, and a white
graceful, horses body. Unicorns represent the
sign of purity, innocence, freindship, healing,
rejeventation, and truth. Your horn is rare
prized, but you tend to be naive, lured by a
childs cry. Unicorns are reare, beautiful ans
shy mythical creatures, and you are lucky to be
one.


What Mythical Beast are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

arkeo media

who would have thought peanuts could buy me a great avp?

GOOD JOB GUYS!!!

now comes the hardest part, payments. naku!!!

why am i waiting? slowly dehydrating. why am i waiting? why oh why

its 9:22 says my computer clock. its time to go home now says my tired weary body. i would too except im still waiting for the script from monster.

so the wait should explain the time i have on my hands right now.

okay, last night, the girlfriends were having a pint of ice cream and cinnabon at powerplant. and we started talking about 'passion'

i dont have it. for anything.

i really believe that part of my fascination with italy and the italian people is their culture and how it is all about passion. it speaks in their art, in their language, in their food, in their willingness to die and kill for family, love and whatever else they believe in.

i dont have it. for anything.

i wish i did though. i wish i had mamus passion for acting, or deesjs for photography, or drachs for music, or nivs for film, or even riyas for organization :) but as it is, i dont burn for anything. my life is blah. a steady leisurely drive to tagaytay instead of a high-speed car chase. and sometimes i want the exhilaration of a high speed car chase.

hay................

cinderelli, cinderelli, everybody cinderelli!

been shuttling back and forth from north to south this week. meetings in paranaque, quezon city, manila and makati have kept the nerves on egg shells, in dire need of calming. clients who have always been patient and friendly, are still, understandably, clients. and clients tend to believe sometimes that the world revolves around them and agency folk will wait, in eager anticipation, for their next demand.

thats how my past two weeks have been - demand after demand after demand. "Maite i need this..." "maite can you send me the...." "maite could we meet on...."

maite, maite, maite, everybody maite.

everybody wants a piece of me. just because im fat doesnt mean there's more of me to go around for crying out loud.

i need a break. or, at the very least, a complete 8-hour sleep.

conspiracy theory

sometime last week, im not sure where or why, but 5 of my accounts got together for coffee and plotted against me. they probably decided that i'm not doing enough already. probably thought that i was superwoman and have devised ways and set deadlines to test my powers.

truth is, im just a girl, sitting infront of a computer, waiting for next sweldo.

my favorite poems by pablo neruda (now this is what i call MUSH!)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

****************************************

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

********************************************

kabusugan

eto na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. ang daming things ang nagtra-trafic ngayon sa intestines ko.

breakfast: tortillos
lunch: pasta, 4 (4 man!) slices of pizza and two scoops of ice cream
merienda: more tortillos, macaroni soup, binatog and chocnut

I AM THE BUSOGEST PARZON IN D WERLD!
IM WANTED VOMIT!
IM WANTED BOX MY FACE FOR EATING MUCH TOO MUCH!
IM ALSO WANTED TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW!

if i were a book (raw)

You're Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of
people.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

because mamu asked me to

Which Alan Rickman Character Are You?

NOTE: i havent seen this movie so i cant verify its accuracy.

may beef rin naman ang pigs ah.... (for deesj)

to dispel misconceptions that i am all sunshine and roses, my top five pet peeves;

1. taxi drivers who, before you even set foot inside the cab, already demand that you add extra to the meter cos its traffic, or late, or some other reason. i will naman talaga eh. without them telling or reminding me, i will naman eh. asar.

2. DJs who love to talk (case in point - chico and delamar) i want to shoot them. if i wanted to hear conversation, i would round up the chums and have a far more interesting one. car rides from here to there is the only time na nga lang for me to catch up on 'music' eh ido-dominate pa nila ng 'issues' at 'point of views' nila na really are not all that amusing ha. i know, i know, i can just tune in to another station but, my brother pats, just because he sits in front, gets to choose the station and i am held prisoner to the stupid banter of these two.

in connection with that, i also hate it when DJs feel that they have to end their spiel exactly before the song begins. god, how hill-billy-willy?!?

3. buhok sa sahig ng banyo - specially sa gym. gross. gross. gross. although guilty rin ako dito so hee....

4. these fucking call back alerts from globe. its really stupid.

5. for some reason, and this is pretty illogical of me, but i really really hate pagkakamot sa ulo. not of the get-rid-of-an-itch-scratch kind. yang you ask them a question and they scratch their headler, i hate it. i hate it.

ika nga ni olivia newton john "I LOVE HUGH. I HONESTLY LOVE HUGH"

i didn't really understand the mass hysteria at first. yes, he was cute and all but, at the end of the day, he was the man who got caught with his pants down and his dick in divine browns 5-dollar-a-blow mouth. The fact that the stunning elizabeth hurley would have done it for free and more is but gravy to the testimony of how stupid this brit could be.

but i have spent countless, cold, lonely nights with him since. him as William Thacker in notting hill, him as daniel cleaver in bridget jones' diary, him as George Wade in two weeks notice and, the one that really knocked me down cold, him as the prime minister in love actually.

Reality check time: maybe, to borrow the words of a good friend i dont see anymore, MAYBE on a cold and rainy night in tuguegarao, maybe he will want me too. if only for a quick fuck. MAYBE. but i know the limits of my charms and this man will never ever fall in love with me.

SIGH....... such is life.

but there are a few men who/m i definitely think will:

1. Matt Damon - a brilliant mind with a lost soul, thats how i see him. I think he has yet to discover true love and i think i can show him if tadhana only lets him find me.

2. Colin Firth - he will love me in a repressed yet highly intense way. he will watch me as i sleep to make sure that i'm okay but he will leave before i wake so i will not know just how much he loves me.

3. Pablo Neruda (if he were still alive) - he will write poems for me and will hold my hand as he recites them to me.

4. Aga Muhlach - mamu said he's bland. but i think i can spice up his otherwise bland personality and he will forever be grateful to me for it. and i also hear that he's having problems with charlene.

5. David Kelley - because sometimes i see michelle in me. and i know he will too.

how sweet it is to be loved by you

i just read a blog - duckfeets - and it is, by far, the sweetest anything someone who isnt my boyfriend has done for me.

i am blown away mare. i was prepared pa naman to make you sweat a litlle thinking of ways to repay me for the weekend that i was deprived of. instead, i am deeply touched. with matching tears to boot.

it has to be said though, partly in the interest of reciprocity, but mostly because it would simply be an injustice of gargantuan proportions if it remains unsaid, that you have become a perpetual source of happiness for me.

that on many occassions, after a good day, i lie in bed thinking "if i had only seen riya, it would have been perfect."

that seeing your name on my phone automatically switches my button and i am instantly all lit up inside (arn't you somewhat glad that i didnt say 'turned on?')

that i am in constant awe of you - an old soul with spunk who gets along beautifully with 11-year-olds and parents alike. and that i sometimes consciously go on 'riya' mode when the situation calls for a different handle a maite cant pull off.

that despite the many people that surround me, there are only a handful i feel truly safe with. friends i can count on to love me and my bullshit. you're one of them.

and that yes, it would absolutely be a delight to have you on my side when we're old and gray getting massages and foot scrubs :)

am i ready for this again?

i adore kids. anyone who knows me knows that. kids can be the most honest creatures kasi (and i use the word honest without attaching the word malicious to it), they say what they feel and what they think without thinking of the consequences not because they're mean, but just because they're too innocent to know that it could be potentially damaging.

like yesterday, i was so bored here so i went to creatives supposedly to talk to dodo who turned out to be busy. so i approached amos instead. Amos is the 7-year-old son of one of the CDs. so I sat beside him to bond a little and also to eat his fries.

ETS: hey amos. do you remember me?
AMOS: yes. you're tita goddess. {kids are also easily brainwashed so i take advantage sometimes}
ETS: good. so amos tell me, what do you with your time?
AMOS: What do you mean?
ETS: When you're bored, what do you do?
AMOS: {gives me this blank look} what is bored?
ETS: {ets ignores the question and changes the topic} am i fat?
AMOS: Yes {says it matter of factly}
ETS: like just mild or super
AMOS: {looks up from his bag of fries} super {looks back down}

ganon lang yon for them eh.

anyway, im spending tonight and tomorrow night with riyas kids for india. im dreading it somewhat, no offense mare, but i really have no connection with these children. im sure they're endearing and all but i have yet to prove it. i was hoping i wouldnt have to but riya got herself bit by a mosquito and is now homebound with dengue and itchy feet.

im sure, at some point this weekend or perhaps throughout its entire duration, i will be comparing these kids to my own last year. and im willing to bet one hundred million dollars that this bunch will not measure up.

cos how can they compete naman with these adorable ones?

my cisv kids 

SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS

i had the most vivid dream the other night.

he was sitting two rows behind me in a classroom. the other people, me included, were having a rather passionate debate about something or other. and he just sat there in the corner, by the window, reading a book, lost in his own world.

i would look at him occasionally, to check on him. something told me that although i did not really have a friendship with this guy, we had a connection of some sort. at one point, he looked up from the book he was reading and met my gaze and i could tell he felt the connection too.

ika nga, may electricity there.

anyway, cut to cut to an open field na may washing machine na naconnect sa puno at si ets naglalaba ng damit. there were a lot of people around me, all of them caucasians by the way, na, for some reason, dressed in their sundays best drinking tea. weird. but yes, there i was, in the middle of a hoity-toity tea party washing my laundry in a washing machine connected to a tree.

someone tapped me on the shoulder, i turned around and it was him (by the way, this guy is really gwapo ha.) and with the most urgent look in his eyes, he said "i have to leave but there's just something i need to do before i do," and then he kissed me. that soul-draining, earth-quaking, got-me-in-my-boots-shaking kind of kiss.

surcharge of electricity dito. ibang klase. i can still feel it.

after we kissed, we just started laughing. you know that nervous laugh that makes you feel all warm inside. thats the one.

after we laughed and kissed some more, he said "come with me" and i said "okay" and we walked into the sunset, holding hands.

been desperately trying, since i woke up yesterday morning, to remember what he looks like. i fail. oh well....

the silogs of marinduque

mamu and i were chatting about the silogs (of marinduque). she's in love kasi with toci and misses him badly. i personally think toci is too sweet. my best friend is longga. sometimes though, i hang also with tapsi. tapos i said na kay toci ako hindi super close, mas close pa nga kami ni dangsi (cilio) na tawang tawa lang sya. two seconds later, i got this file from her. by the way, dang cecilio na ti-next rin bigla ni deesj from out of the blue yesterday morning.  

the third stooge... and why i love him

His name is larry and he’s my boss and for as long as I can help it, I do not want to work for anybody else.

My reasons;

1. because this morning, on our way back to the clients building from the loft, he whispered to me (as if reading the question in my head) “maite, mas mataba sya sa yo”

2. because yesterday, he came to our work area with the biggest smile on his face to announce “girls, I have a new boytoy for you. a new writer” and when we said “sir, ang bata nya” he answered “okay nga yon eh, MAKATAS.”

3. because kanina, knowing that I had a 5’o clock deadline for a proposal I hadn’t yet started at 3:30, he shyly reminded me na “maite, we have to submit that today ha” and when I said “u-umpisahan ko na sir” he is all at once reassured.

4. because whenever its dead silent in his car on our way to or from a client, he asks me about my love life. A conversation that almost always ends with “don’t worry maite, you’ll meet someone who deserves you.”

5. because sometimes he just casually announces “nagugutom ako” and then 30 minutes to an hour later, food comes for everybody.

6. because in one of our pitch presentations, when I told him that I might not be able to go, he said “but you’re my lucky charm.” (I know it was bull but still)

7. because when he overhears me borrowing money from someone, he immediately offers me “how much do you need maite?”

8. because when he asks me to clean my desk naman (cos you know naman ets), he’s so nahihiya pa.

9. because when I’m bored and I know that he’s not doing anything (or even if he is), I can just enter his office and talk about anything under the sun and I always leave the discussion with new learnings.

10. because he gave me a minimizer bra for my birthday two years ago. From marks and spencers. What boss does that?

the yogi in me

my body is in pain. which is really weird considering i wanted to do yoga to feel better, to achieve some internal balance i know i dont have. Really so much for that. i feel like my stomach is all smooshed inside. i cant laugh heartily (which is really the only way i know how), i cant exert effort when i want to make uu, and i couldnt do my crunches properly at the gym this morning.

but my god, was my instructor bendy!

food file 001

restaurant: Ang maliit na kusina ng diyos
company: gigi

the artichoke with gorgonzola dip (appetizer) - loved it. the first reason for me to go back there.

pork tenderloin with mushrooms and tarragon wine (my entree) - a disappointment. im not being difficult or anything but i expect tenderloins to be tender. otherwise, lose the adjective porky. Also, that mashed potato could have used a tad more taste.

crispy lapu-lapu - (gigi's entree) the chief found other ways to make it better. Had she not, it would have just been glorified fish sticks. glorified with what you ask - SINGKAMAS!

pecan pie (dessert) - the best i've had ever. although, some more pecans in there would have elavated it to a whole new level. second reason for me to go back.

PR - good. the owner came to our table for a not-so-quick chat. weirdly enough, he thought I was the fil-am and not blue-carrying passport gigi.

all in the family

this morning, i jokingly (or maybe not) accused my mother for the nth time of misplacing my passport. she looked at me like a child who isnt really sure if she's guilty or not and said "but why would i do that sweetheart?"

she was so cute. and i was just so suddenly overwhelmed with love for her that i had to leave right away cos i was scared that if i look at her a second longer i was gonna burst into tears.

its wonderful loving someone that much.

anyways,

yesterday was the blessing of my cousins office. it was also the first day of my sister on the job (yay!) so there we were in starbucks, my cousins, my cute pamangkins and my titos and titas, being very noisy.

our clan, on my mothers side, is a mix of everything extreme. when we get together, its either soooo fun or soooo scary kasi somebody is always almost about to throw a fit. eitherway, we're always always loud.

i love my family.

and yes, some more than others.

what's in a name?

after a presentation today, the client, whom i just met, asked me if i was the youngest in the family. i said no. and she said, "oh, i assumed you are cos maite, which is also the name of my youngest sister, means my little one and is commonly a name given to the youngest in the family."

hmmmm.... interesting.

anyway,

i am not easily awed. i am seldom blown away. my friendship, i give out unselfishly. but respect, been quite stingy with it.

today though, and this woman - the client i referred to above, is an exception.

she spoke and people listened. she would pause and people waited, with held breaths, for her opinion.

best of all, she had no idea that she is how she is.

makes me wish i met her when i was a child just so i can point to her and say "when i grow up, i want to be just like her."

some friends! hmph!

drach was obviously pilit to chat with me, arrian ignored my 65 buzzes and joel just invented some lame ass excuse to put down the phone.

and i am so very bored. and i still have to wait 5 more minutes before i can leave this office.

sucks my life man.

how cute naman slugger noh?  

viva españa!

in coelho's highly overrated book the alchemist, he said that if you want something bad enough, the whole universe will conspire to help you achieve it.

last sunday, we had a family thing at home. my cousin ana and i decided, almost on a whim really, to move to spain and find work there. i mentioned it to my parents and, surprisingly, they were all for it. in fact, they were even encouraging. urging me to take some more spanish courses at instituto and they even mentioned that i should get in touch with CISV contacts there for opportunities.

so i have their blessing. good. but of course i dont have their financial backing. so thats what i have to do from now until then - save. im really not very good at handling my finances. my sweldo just go through my hands like water and i dont know where it goes. but okay, from now on, il always keep my financials in check. i dont know how but il find a way.

timeframe: basta while im still 30. which gives me until march 8, 2006.

so yesterday i talked to paolo (my officemate about my plans). i talked to him specifically because i knew his brother works in the philippine embassy in madrid. as it turns out, the brother is coming for a vacation in two weeks. so i get to meet him and beg for a job. which paolo assures me im sure to get anyways.

plus free board pa raw while im getting settled.

okay, i know i love making plans i dont pursue noh, but i have a different feeling about this.

Chums, walang magco-comment ng SHAR!!! dito ha. send me nothing but good vibes okay? okay!

interlock

tisay ako eh. hindi mapagkakaila na may dugo akong dayuhan. pero my gead minsan, wala talaga akong audio-video lock. the words that are coming out of my mouth, it just really dont fit.

like before in high school, i was talking to this australian student who lived in dasma. eh, tatanungin ko lang naman kung bakit hindi na lang sya maglakad pauwi. but like this what i said you imagine:

dapat: hey melanie, why dont you just walk home?
ang lumabas: hey melanie, why dont you just woke hum?
ang ganda.

tapos one time when i did the first reading for mass, ayaw kong tawagin si jesus na "san of mon" ha.

mali.

and yesterday, during a meeting. sabi ni ets, in her somewhat modulated corporate tone

"we're taking the lead on this project. were spareheeding it."

God!!!

back in the groove

endorphins are the best.
so is perspiration.
i love sweating.
i love men who sweat in a non-dirty-and-mabaho looking way.
i think its sexy.
it gives birth to impure thoughts.
which i seldom have anymore.

okay, thats not what this blog is about.

this blog is about me, finding my groove back. for the past months (or years), i've been out of my element. going against the grain of my being so to speak. forcing myself to be jello when i am, in fact, for all intents and purposes, chocolate souffle.

god, that chocolate souffle in brenner was the best wasnt it?

i stray again.

actually, i have nothing more to say pala.

bye.

ashes to ashes

"today is a good day to die," said a pre-24 kiefer opening the movie flatliners. i dont think il be ready to say that anytime soon. the only time i felt ready to die was in pristine boracay, watching a freshly cleansed world after a typhoon, that time i thought okay na rin kung kunin ako ni lord ngayon.

tapos na yon. my fear of death is back. fear of what lies beyond the life i know.

in college, death was lengthily discussed in my philosophy subjects. i dont buy any of it. i mean, all arguments were made by people who were still alive so what do they know of the subject anyway. So none of the arguments from the logical to the scientific to the religious could appease my frightened little soul.

what if everything ends with our last breath. no white light. no heaven. no hell. no purgatory. just nothing. everything we are just stops being. everything that was becomes nothing.

i am more comforted by the concept of hell than nothing. for the possibility of hell implies the possiblity of heaven. the punishment of evil connotes the reward of good.

and heaven i can strive for.
and good i can achieve.

kaso, hindi ko sure ang standards ni God. so hindi ko alam if im ever good enough to merit me a piece of heaven.

then there's always reincarnation. globe had a promo before na you type your name and birthday and you send it to a certain number then they send you a text about who you were in a past life. stupid noh? pero sucker ako for these things eh. so text ako.

my name was luciana something. a candlemaker from italy. i was married to a wax supplier who worshipped me. i died peacefully in my sleep of old age and when i did, the whole neighborhood gathered around my house to light a candle for me.

how nice noh?

anyway, can you imagine nalang my sadness when i met the guy who was commissioned by globe to make up all this pastlife bullshit. not that i believed it in the first place. but it was a comforting thought.

anyway, about reincarnation. im not sure i buy that either. because really, how tiring naman to just be born and then die all the time. its nietzsche's eternal recurrence. a vicious never-ending cycle.

to me it means a soul never finding home. never finding rest. never finding peace.

hay.... basta siguro live well nalang noh? fuck death. concentrate on living.

rest in peace

the plan was to have coffee with the chums and then sweat a little in the badminton court with the work pals.

that was the plan.

and like all the other plans i've made in my life, there it went in flames.

let this be the cemetery of all the plans i've made, killed and buried:

1. urban kitchen
2. langit ko'y bawang
3. inbreeding
4. a law career
5. a gold medal in gymnastics
6. contract of immorality
7. kids by 25
8. a million by thirty
9. half a million by thirty
10.time deposit by 25

dreams that are in the ICU:
1. see the world
2. family
3. hot body

that beautiful thing called alaxan

i have migraines all the time. advil doesnt work for me. only two things do. a thousand mgs of biogesic can do the trick. sometimes.

alaxan does all the time.

it doesnt get rid of the pain. it detaches you from it.

you know its still there, but its suddenly far away. like a house up a hill when you're down in the meadow frolicking with the cows.

im frolicking now.

in celebration of my love for alaxan.

si rommel at si flossy...

they were going up the escalator when i saw them earlier.

the site of them both just melted me.

here are two people, with a past behind them worthy of a tele-novela series, holding hands, all lit up, so in love.

a leap of faith is never greater than that taken by scarred hearts who choose to love again.

tonight il say a prayer for them.
for things to work out this time.
for a happy ever after.
and yes,
for the wheelbarrow to keep on rolling! (lets just hope the chief doesnt witness this again though)

gigi is back

she's home and she came bearing such cool gifts.

and life makes just a little more sense again

because my gigi is back.

oh no here she comes. watch out cos she'll chew you up. oh wow here she comes. the compulsive eater. 

how apt

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

mister pure energy

so i was having lunch with monster and deesj at kitchen right. when suddenly, in comes gary v.

i look at him.
he looks at me.
i break into a big smile.
so does he.
i say hello
he says hi and comes nearer
i look at my plate
and realize that i am having missing ink
i look back at him with panic in my eyes
"sorry, im having squid"
he lightly touches me on the shoulder and says
"oh its okay"
and then i proceed to say the most stupid thing ever
"that's why im black."
what i wanted to say was
"im sorry but this dratted squid ink is stubborn on the lips and teeth. it clings.
please don't think i'm gross."
or something witty like
"didn't you get the memo? goth is back and so is bad dental hygiene."
but NO!!!!
i said
"thats why im black"

what the flying fuck was that?

Kill me nalang if....

1. i ever fall in love with a generic yuppie. the kind that lingers unnecessarily after the last drip of coffee at starbucks 6750 after office hours with their neckties slung over their shoulder. - BLECH!!!!

2. i'm ever out in / with any of the following items:
a. a jelly bag
b. big gold gaudy jewelry
c. open-toe shoes with stockings (lordy).
d. a heavily-logod louis vitton bag
5. bicycle shorts ( i mean really!)

3. i ever become one of them wives who will need permission from the husband nalang always to do something. Also, if i ever become one of those wives who will make sugod the kabit and make a scene in front of a crowd while shouting "walang hiya kang babae ka. mang-aagaw." in joel speak, CHEAPLER!. (although, hindi ko narin alam ang gagawin ko sa sitwasyon na yon noh. knowing me though, cryler nalang in a corner. with occasional thoughts of "aalis nalang kami ng mga bata" pero shar. weakler.)

4. im 40 without kids (cut-off was actually 35, pero mukang impossible na ata. a husband is preferred but considering the odds - not necessary.)

5. i ever take-on the "food is such a bother" attitude.

a quickie

im in a rush. the week is about to start and i am afraid of it.

anyways, i love the west wing. i love it. i love it. and so does my daddy.

cant wait to watch some more.

fall from grace

when you've managed to say no thank you to rice while eating kare-kare and lechon kawali and when you can easily omit the bread buns from a quarter pounder, you start to get cocky.

i was cocky coming into my 13th day. just one more day, i thought to myself, before i start the march with starch again.

but it was right in front of me naman eh. and it was freshly baked. and it smelled sooooo good.

so i had 2 oatmeal cookies today and it was absolutely beautiful.

***************************************************************

anyway, it was a cisv meeting that occupied my afternoon. i wasnt planning on going out today so i can watch the west wing but riya seemed in desperate need of my company (ey ri?).

anyhoo, this is probably the sweetest story i've heard all week.

jojo, a friend and the AL for Italy, proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years the minute she picked him up at the airport when he came home from camp.

he made the decision while in camp and he bought the ring in venice. how wonderful is that?

and then, when he saw her, he got down on his knees and said "Te amo. esposa me per favore" (i hope i got that right)

i just re-read what i wrote and it doesnt sound as romantic as he told it.

oh well.... hay..........

toxic eto

ibang klase. it started off with 9 items to cross out in my to-do list. All of which were deliverable before 11 this morning. and im not talking cute items okay, im talking cerebral aerobics here. hassle man. and then, as i was lining up another 6 things to do before close of business today (including a stupid meeting at 3), i get an email from HongKong asking for a comparative study of CSR efforts (Corporate Social Responsibility to the lay) of my clients' competitors by 5 PM tofuckingday.

anyway, being the magnificent worker that i am, its done.

all of it - done.

this day - DONE!

now im gonna have me some fun.

ETTI DAVIS EYES

Chema told me a long time ago that mine are the most expressive eyes he’s ever seen. It doesn’t hide anything. I can smile from ear to ear but my eyes, they betray me if it aint real.

I was looking at them last night and this morning.

They look tired, old, worn out and ready for retirement – like my favorite white tee.

Chema got this one right. Unlike, unfortunately, most of the questions in his med board exam.

for the love of tracy

since i dont like tracy getting mad at me anymore and in eternal gratitude for her efforts of even going to SM Bicutan just to read my blog, i have moved to a less complicated address.

yay!

ramblings

• all i want is one day, one day where i am not threatened by migraine or memories or carbo.
• i've been so impatient lately. i want things to happen in my life now. like leave. settle in italy or some place far away. im beginning to believe what i've always thought, my destiny beckons beyond the philippine seas.
• i miss my kids. sometimes i wonder about them and i think what if they get married before i do. one of these days, im gonna arrange a get-together. one of these days.
• a fear from the past has been haunting me lately. i've been told, time and again, that im gonna be the bomb if i lose the weight. but what if, knock on wood, i lose all this weight and it turns out that im not so pretty pala. like ruby rodriguez. so would i rather take my chances and burst that bubble or bask nalang forever in what i can potentially become?
• i miss gigi
• i miss mamu
• i miss maun - i wonder sometimes, okay-all the time, what he looks like without the bandana. and then in my head, when he's about to reveal - i stop. cos do i really want to know?
• been wanting to pray for the longest time. the soul-baring kind of prayer. can't seem to bring myself to do it. i dont know what to bare.
• Enough. enough now.- i miss that movie. maybe il watch it this weekend.
• i want my hips to be gone. well not all of it but some.
• i love gozen. he said kanina that i was his favorite. i dont know if he meant it. well, whether i am or not, he's mine.
• i love the chums and all of its sub-groups. especially those which i belong to: chicks who find leoy funny (CWFLF), and chums who find fun in mundane things (CWFFIMT)
• was texting with v kanina. she's back from italy. she said that assisi is the place to be raw. lots of hot, hot, heat. Mmmmmmmm........ sarap.
• i want missing ink. i cant wait til monday.
• i miss flaming hot cheetos.
• sometimes i want to party, sometimes i dont.
• Enough. enough now.

Of friendship and pinoy pride

“hi honey. I’m home. Missed you so much.” This was the text I got from therese the day after she got back from a month-long CISV camp in Norway. I know she probably sent it to ten more people but getting that text really made me feel wonderful about my life.

I do have great friends around me. I’de like to think that its because I know how to pick 'em. But I also know that they did some picking on their own too – and I am one of their pickings.

Great pickers these people around me.

Anyways, I had lunch with therese today. It was long overdue. And she filled me in on what happened in camp. Now, I don’t know if its because im about to get my period, or its because I miss camp too or maybe its this general melancholia surrounding me these days, but one of her kwentos literally drove me to tears.

The activity is called “stereotypes.” Camp is divided by delegation and each country has their own manila paper to pass around so that the other delegations can write what they know about that country – good or bad.

Germany will almost always get a swastika and sausages on their paper. The US will most likely get a football, HOLLYWOOD and the twin towers collapse. India will get elephants. You get the drill.

The Philippines, in therese’s camp, got beaches, coconuts, mango. They also got “poor,” “uneducated,” “presidents wife has a lot of shoes (cute),”and “speaks better English than Filipino.”

Therese told me about the speech she gave after that activity. It wasn’t anything I haven’t heard before so i was really surprised that it touched me the way it did.

She spoke of being poor and corrupt and deprived. She also spoke of how, despite all these, we are striving, as a people, to help our country.

After her speech, she went back to her delegation where 2 of her 4 kids were crying, proud of being Filipinos.

For all of ten minutes today, with tears in my eyes, so was I.

the gorgeous and the goddess

i had a comment on a previous blog from one duckfeet. i had no idea who duckfeet was so i decided to click on the link and give it a read.

two of her three blog entries mentioned singaw. i only know one person who complains about singaws as often as i complain about migraine.

welcome to blog gorgeous.

you know i love you to mush don't you?

www.brassinpocket.blogspot.com

Carbo is the enemy

hi. my name is maite and im a carboholic. i havent had carbs in 7 days.

(pause for applause)

when i was a child, i was forbidden by mother to stand up from the dining table unless i finish my food. most days, it would take me 7 hours to finish my lunch. so right after taking my last subo of lunch, my dinner plate would be set infront of me already.

so when i say i ate all day as a child, please take this to mean that i ate all day as a child.

eventually, the taste of food caught on and what was once forced down my throat and my somewhat svelte physique, i started to welcome with open arms.

a love affair was born.

i dont have a sweet tooth. chicka lang ako sa desserts and matamis things.

ulam was incidental, whatever is there is there.

rice, potatoes, bread and pasta - these are my must-haves. my non-negotiables.

eh kaso, leoy is right. we're turning 30 na next year and our metabolism is starting to run like our old ford laser car - slow mo actions. i also echo drachs sentiments, im not the healthiest person on earth.

so tragic as giving up carbs, even if its only for two weeks, is for me. it has to be done and it does have to be done now.

i only wish i had flaming-hot cheetos before i started. cos thats really all i think of these days.

thank you.

I LOVE MYSELF !

i was already sleeping when my mobile rang. it was almost one in the morning. it was tracy. bored from editing, she called to laugh.

i love it when, prior to a conversation or a hang, the objective is identified and forcefully achieved..

sometimes she'd text me to invite me over to "laugh." or i'd call her and say "hey lets laugh."

so thats what we'd do, laugh.

hay, i love laughing.

last night, she reminded me that when she was still with me at CID, everytime we'd say something funny or do something fucking fabulous (like, say, expose our bras to the madlang world), we'd just blurt out loudly "i love myself" and mean it from the bottom of our fat-covered hearts.

hay...

I LOVE MYSELF!

Yo Ga!

another day.
another blogger.
this time its a hunky with a husky.

welcome to blog ga!

www.memert.blogspot.com

because change is our friend

a new look.

ERM

to the only chick i will turn dike for :-)

well, you and jolie anyways.

welcome to blog.

www.galicious.blogspot.com

my feelings about punctuation (an indirect response to joels comment)

dont get me wrong. not that i have anything against capitals and punctuations (since i treat both of them with as much disrespect as the other.) i do have a valid reason for refusing to take it seriously.

one of my favorite anecdotes is one i read at a back cover of a book called "eats, shoots and leaves - the zero tolerance approach to punctuation" by lynne truss. I've downloaded it for your reference.

A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahah!!!

anyways, my attitude since i read that story has been "if im not sure i can do it properly, might as well not do it at all. unless i want some poor confused waiter in China shot dead by an upset panda."

Its better to be indifferent than stupid about these things.

if i were to orgy

i would love to be a groupie. not for a rock band or anything but for a movie cast. (would the word still apply then?)

anyway, the 5 movies that i would love to be a groupie for:

1. Oceans eleven - Andy Garcia, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Joshua Jackson (i pass on clooney)
2. Love actually - Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and that delicious italian that laura linney was in love with
3. Red dragon - Ralph Fiennes, Edward Norton, Gary Oldman
4. SWAT - Colin Farrell, Olivier Martinez
5. Pirates of the Carribean - Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly

A spotless mind

4 days ago, on our way back from tagaytay, I was telling joel how I felt I wasted a good two years of my life with the asshole and that I want those two years of my life back. In my head, there were so many things I could have done in those two years instead of building a future I evidently would never have.

A very subdued jim carrey knocked some sense into me last night.

Am I really ready to erase all traces of the bad knowing that it will likewise erase all memories of the good?

The last scene, where carrey was ‘okay’ to fall in love again despite knowing how it will eventually end up, that was an absolutely beautiful moment. A great testimony to the stubbornness of the human heart and mans faith in love, hopeless as the situation seems.

Stupidity and bravery - We need both to trust and to love and to live.

Good film.

Fearing Alzheimer’s

I was home early last night. as I plan to be for the next two weeks to help me avoid carb-temptation as I start, yet again, another diet. South beach this time.

I decided that its time for some serious reading again. None of these novels, best categorized as cute, that I’ve been reading these past months.

Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, a book I’ve vowed to read ever since (along with the Bible and War and Peace) was my first candidate. I couldn’t find it. What I found instead were dust-covered copies of Camus’ The Plague and Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground.

Two books I know, for a fact, I read in college.

Two works of art, in fact, that Im certain I’ve written reviews for for one philosophy course or another.

Two literary pieces that I remember enjoying and learning from.

AND

Two stories that I absolutely have no recollection of as I blog.

So I scanned through Underground last night. déjà vu was what it felt like. A place I’ve been and abandoned without any real or vivid memory.

Scary thing is this is not the first time this has happened.

Many times, I’d be halfway reading a book or watching a movie when I realize that I’ve read/seen it before.

It scares me shitless.

My grandmother spent the last years of her life battling, no – wrong word, surrendering to Alzheimer’s.

I hear its hereditary.

And Im scared shitless.

Bury the dead. It stinks up the joint.

this is one of the better lessons i picked-up from a tom cruise flick. makes plenty of sense. at least, it does to me. and i think i'l put it to practice right about now.

it doesnt matter how much time you spend obsessing over the things you did or did not do. Or the infinite possibilities that play out in your head had you done things differently. i can coulda, woulda, shoulda my sweet fat ass till im blue in the face but it won't make an iota of difference to my here and now.

what's done is done.

bury it.

cry if you must... but bury it and walk away.

Enough. Enough now.

my feelings exactly.

an ode to bachii

to the tune of another day in paradise

He is out on a night with the chums
You can see he’s not comfy
He smiles but the look in his eyes
Tells you loud he is sleepy

Oh think twice
Before you spend another day with him to socialize
Oh think twice
Its just another day for him
to wish and pray nalang he dies

You attempt, you really do try
Get to know him bit better
But the truth is you know deep inside
He just wants to go homeler

Oh think twice
Before you spend another day with him to socialize
Oh think twice
Its just another day for him,
To wish and pray nalang he dies

putting things in perspective

i've often been asked by several different people why i never seem to get angry. they're right. i rarely do. i have learned early in life that my anger only upsets one person, ME. and i have decided that i love myself way too much to upset me.

when life gets in a whack, as it usually does every couple of days or so, i take two steps back and try to see the bigger picture. generally, i ask myself "this thing that is irking the bejeesus out of me, will it matter at all this time next year?" most often the answer is no, so i let it slide, smile and move on.

like this morning for instance.

the first email i read was from a client who was, apparently, unhappy with the writing of a press release. she wanted a little more.... heart. initially of course, my reaction was "its a fucking press release ma'am. we are not trying to win a goddamned pulitzer here!"

two steps back.

this time next year, i will be thinner.

and that is what really matters.

an ode to leoyauc

to the tune of against all odds...

Why did you just walk away from us?
Just disappeared for many days
All we wanted was to see him go
Instead you gave us space

Leoy you know naman
We didn’t mean no harm at all

When we take a look at you now
Sometimes we see a trace
A look that reminds us
That behind that smile
You have been through bitter days

When you take a look at us now
Do you secretly make a fist
When you are out with us
Do you secretly want to box a smuchies

When you take a look at us now…
When you take a look at chums now….

mush monster

thats what mamu calls me after my rather infamous 'amore' blog. i think il take it. no point fighting off who i am anymore.

i am the queen of mush. there. i said it.

anyway, the blog actually started off as a list of my favorite lines from movies. it focused on love eventually cos rain does that to me and it was pouring thursday.

anyway, my top ten favorite lines from movies; (the lines that either gave me goose-bumps or made me wish i thought of them, most of which may actually be meaningless to those who have not watched the movies)

1. The Godfather II, Al Pacino - you're nothing to me now fredo. not a brother, not a friend.

2. Bonfire of the vanities, tom hanks - its lonely at the top. but what a view.

3. Steel magnolias, shirley mclaine - you are a boil on the butt of humanity.

4. Return of the king, Aragorn - My friends, you bow to no one.

5. The usual suspects, kevin spacey - the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe that he didnt exist.

6. The Godfather I, Al Pacino - I'm with you now pop

7. The Godfather III, Andy Garcia - Love somebody else

8. Devil's advocate, Al Pacino - Vanity, my favorite sin

9. The return of the king, samwise gamgee - i cannot carry it for you, but i can carry you

10. Thelma and Louise, thelma or louise - You get what you settle for

advertising schmadvertising

im not in advertising.  i say that with neither pride nor regret.  unlike some friends, i dont have any passionate feelings about the industry.  its there.  sometimes what they do matters.  sometimes it doesnt.

today, i attended a whole day seminar conducted by three industry legendaries.  2 of them have proven their worth to me today just by being wonderful speakers.  The ones who did are raul castro and emily abrera.  they almost made me want to shift to creatives in the off chance that i might someday work with them or, at least, watch them present.

i love pitch presentations.  done by very good presenters and backed by excellent materials, presentations transform into theatre with really good visuals. 

speaking of theatre, the afternoon was a workshop conducted by the tanghalang pilipino.  i was in the group taught by robby guevarra, who also turned out to be fanstastic.

lots of brilliant people out there.  brilliant at what they do.  and, most importantly, brilliant people who love what they do.

maybe someday someone will look at me and say the same thing.  

if i can just figure out what it is im brilliant at already.   

joels beck and call girl

thats what i've become today.  actually, thats what i've been for the past week.  the go-to chum to keep him company when he's alone and waiting for tracy to come back from QC.  i don't mind keeping him company. after all, he is my #4 fan.  I owe him something somewhat because of that.

right now, we're at the e-lounge using public computers, one seat apart, chatting.  its the first time i get to hear the audibles of YM beta.  

great fun!  

  


 

Amore

 
i think it was in january of this year when i had that conversation with therese.  we were talking about how, at this age, people have probably already met the love of their lives and, in all likelihood, i will only be someone somebody just settles for.  its not a part im looking forward to take but a part i know il take anyway cos i'm yet too scared to make solitary an option.

she asked me what it was i wanted really.  i thought long and hard before i gave an answer.

"i want to be someone's answered prayer."

that would be nice, wouldn't it?  for someone to thank God every night cos he's sleeping next to you.  i realized right after i said it of course, how more screenplay-ish it sounded than realistic.  makes me wish that i were in a romantic movie instead.

anyways, my top 10 movie quotable love quotes;

1.  As good as it gets, Jack Nicholson -  I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

2.  He said, she said, Kevin Bacon - I dont want to be with anyone else but you and i dont want you to be with anyone else but me.

3.  When a man loves a woman, Andy Garcia - when my wife hurts, i want to say "hi, are you okay?  is there something i can do."  so fuck me.

4.  Say anything, John Cusack (to the dad) - What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.

5.  City of angels, Meg Ryan - When they ask me what I liked best, I'll say it was you.

6.  When harry met sally, Billy Crystal - I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

7.  A beautiful mind, Russell Crowe - I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you.

8.  Sleepless in seattle, Tom Hanks - it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

9.  The princess bride, Cary Elwes - As you wish

9.  Chasing amy, Ben Affleck- I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I could'nt allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitiation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it. there is'nt another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

where have all the zagus gone?

 

i was at the mall with adi two days ago when i suddenly had an unshakable craving for zagu (mocha flavor.)  it was rather odd since i only had it less than 10 times when it grew wild and abundant (very much like my body hair) in the metro.

i was never really a fan of the icy-pearly delights.  i enjoyed it when i had it but i never lined up for it or anything.  In 2001, pop business rolled out the latest bandwagon - and 82% of entrepreneurs with capital jumped in.  Like mushrooms it sprouted.  At any given time, you could find two within a 20-meter radius.  It wasn't a health treat.  Truth be told, it wasnt that fantastic tasting either.  But it was new and it was everywhere so pinoys drank and drank and drank until...........  well.... until they stopped.

and so monday night, when i desperately wanted one, there was none.

10 things i want back from the food industry:

1.  Magnolia chocolait in a bottle - i dont remember much from my childhood but holding, shaking and drinking from a bottle of this one stands out in lights.

2.  Horlicks - are you still out there?

3.  Cola candy

4.  Mushroom burger in makati

5.  the original mojos - none of these cute spud slices devoid of taste

6.  Mcdonalds milk shake - i've read enough archie comics to know that its what goes with burgers and fries.  bring it back.

7.  Lays salt and vinegar potato chips - which is probably still out there, i just cant find it anywhere.

8.  the shawarma fever - about 5 years prior to zagu, there was shawarma with a stand in every street corner to prove it.

9.  lipps candy - the best lipstick on earth

10.  magnolia chocolait in a bottle - deserves mentioning twice

she bangs...

 
i am very afraid.  now that the novelty of having bangs is gone, i imagine im looking more and more like nats.  which isnt necessarily bad, its just not what i want to look like at this fragile state of my life.

keeping the playing field level (aka I LOVE ADI TOO!)

 
i love adi so much i would gladly, willingly and whole-heartedly give up my zinger for him and buy him a couple more for good measure.

sorry trace, i have to be in the race here.

my power of choice (a series initiated by monster)

 
puchasing power. lots and lots of it.  of the eternal, perpetual and evarlasting kind.     

buddha bless me yet again por favor.

love actually

 
i saw this movie six months after it came out in the cinemas.  i had to use my brothers laptop to watch it since our cheapo dvd player, feeling all arrogant and stuff, refuses to play pirated copies.  

my first thought after i saw it was fuck, i have to revise my top ten movie list again. 

hence, my top ten movies

1.  the godfather trilogy 
2.  the lord of the rings trilogy
3.  moulin rouge
4.  shawshank redemption
5.  love actually
6.  usual suspects
7.  beauty and the beast
8.  as good as it gets
9.  best in show
10. steel magnolias

my top ten light love happy-ending movies

1.  love actually (well, except for emma thompson noh)
2.  beauty and the beast
3.  as good as it gets
4.  notting hill
5.  american president
6.  when harry met sally
7.  while you were sleeping 
8.  he said, she said. 
9.  clueless
10.  pretty woman

the alter ego of pleasant

 
its not easy being a willful pollyana.  i've been one for the past ten years or so. 

depression hit me at 18-19, i was an inconsolable wreck for no good and obvious reason.  i had no idea what was up my ass so, naturally, i didn't know how to remedy it.  i would cry at the drop of a pin, in the middle of a volleyball game, anytime, anywhere. 

one morning, before waking up, before i even opened my eyes, tears were already falling in rivers.  that was my rock bottom.

that same day, i vowed to myself never to be miserable again.  happiness, i decided, was in my full control and the only  way to get there was self-delusion.

self-delusion.  i have read the book and written my own interpretation of it.  its what keeps this girl happy. 

you're not stupid or naive.  you see the bad but you dont allow your mind to process it.  you put on your best pair of rose-colored glasses and focus on the good and tell yourself repeatedly that this is the only thing that matters because this is what makes you happy. 

most times, it helps you sleep better at night.

some times, the demons come and you're forced to face them because you're just too tired to fight them off already. 

and in these few moments of weakness, life shoves reality down your throat and bullies you into swallowing it.

and you reach the conclusion, after 29 years of observation and experimentation, that life fundamentally sucks big time.